When we got to the hospital, I turned the ring around, facing the diamond into the palm of my hand. I didn’t want Sophia to see it right away. I knew what Mimi was saying about the thunder stealing. I knew she’d be happy for me, but this was still very much about little Mary Jane, and I wanted to make sure we saw her first.
We knocked, and Sophia gave us the go-ahead to come in. Sitting up in her bed, makeup flawless and hair shining, she was eating take-out fried chicken while Neil sprawled on the couch, holding Mary Jane close to his chest.
“Hi!” Sophia called out, pausing from her chicken frenzy for only a moment to say hello. “Sorry, I’m starving and this hospital food was just not cutting it. I just pushed a baby out of my coochie, and all they want to give me is Jell-O? Fuck that, I needed something real.”
Every thought I’d had about Sophia softening into motherhood went right out the window. Thank goodness.
Mary Jane let out the tiniest gurgle and coo, and four pairs of eyes locked on the bundle in Neil’s arms. Sophia beamed. Okay, she’d softened a bit.
“How’re you feeling, Mama?” I asked, crossing over to her and smoothing her hair back. “You look fantastic.”
“I do, I really do. You should have seen me this morning though, I looked dreadful. Now I know why the Kardashians have the glam squad stop by after every birth; otherwise you look half dead in every picture with your newborn.”
“You look gorgeous,” Neil insisted. “Before or after any glam squad.”
Sophia beamed again. Simon had sat down next to Neil on the couch, and was examining the pink bundle.
“Dude, you can totally hold her, just ask.” Neil puffed out his chest, causing the bundle to rise up and out.
“I guess I could, just for a minute,” Simon replied, stealing a quick look at me. I grinned back, grateful to get another chance to watch Simon holding a baby. Hello, ovaries, I wondered when you were going to sit up straight.
Sophia and I watched the two guys transfer Mary Jane between them with all the precision of a tactical nuke team disarming a warhead. It took all I could not to giggle out loud, but it was incredibly sweet. “So how are you feeling? Like, for real how are you feeling?” I asked Sophia, once the transfer was complete.
“Like I just pushed a baby out of my coochie,” she groaned, biting back into her chicken. “It hurt like a motherfucker. But totally worth it. Have you seen how freaking cute she is?”
“Pretty freaking cute I’d say,” I replied. “You up for some more good news?”
“Always,” she said through a mouthful. I turned the ring around. She screeched, showing me her chicken and waking her child.
“Soph! What the hell?” Neil cried out as he and Simon both looked at each other and then at Mary Jane when she started crying.
“Let me see that ring!” Sophia yelled.
“Why is she crying?” Simon asked, panicked.
“Her mother scared her half to death!” Neil yelled, also frantic.
“Everyone calm down,” I soothed, trying to move over toward the couch, but unable to do so because Sophia had a vicelike grip on my hand. I expected her to pull a jeweler’s loupe out of her nightgown.
“How do we make her stop?”
“Just walk her, Simon!”
“I don’t know how to stand up with her!”
“Is this two-point-five karats?”
“Call the nurse, she won’t stop crying!”
“Babies cry, Neil.”
“Someone help us!”
“Go get my baby from the Keystone Cops, would you?”
“Oh, for pity’s sake,” I said, snatching my hand away and crossing to the couch. “Hey, little miss, it’s okay,” I soothed, plucking Mary Jane neatly from Simon’s arms and cuddling her close. “Shh, shh, it’s okay. No more screaming, I promise. Everyone your parents know just happens to be crazy, okay? Shh, shh . . .” I brought her to Sophia, who began to lower the front of her gown.
“Oh, I, uh . . . I should step out, I, uh . . .” Simon said, getting up from the couch.
“They’re just boobs, Simon,” Sophia scolded, reaching up for Mary Jane and bringing her to her breast. It was surprising just how natural it all was. Here we all were, four best friends, one of whom had her tits out. And this was just how it was now. Except for Simon’s eyeballs, which were currently staring everywhere but where the action was.
Neil came over to stand by the bed, and he finally saw what Sophia had been screaming about.
“Hey, what’s that on your finger there?” he asked, looking down at my ring.
“What does it look like?” I teased, holding it up for him to see. He looked back and forth between me, the ring, and finally Simon.
“Dude?”
“Dude.”
“Dude!” Neil exclaimed, and picked Simon up off the couch in a giant bear hug. Which he was still doing when Mimi and Ryan peeked around the corner like a totem pole.
“We came to see Mary Jane and bring presents—what the hell is going on?” Mimi asked, staring at this weird tableau.
“Ask the bride,” Sophia said, nodding toward me.
Turns out they frown on screeching in the maternity ward. We were asked, very politely, to leave.
Once more, I found myself in a hospital waiting room with Mimi, Ryan, and Simon, although this time it was a very different subject from the night before.
“I can’t believe you’re engaged! This is so perfect. I was just beginning to feel my wedding planning blues. I had nothing new to plan! Now I can get started on yours! First things first, have you set a date? Do you know the venue? Evening? Afternoon? Black tie? White tie? I—”