"Yeah. Well, imagine if one of 'em suddenly showed up one day. You live your life wishing you had a father. Then suddenly you have one and you realize you don't have the vaguest idea what to do with him." She cast an uneasy look in the backseat at Ray. If he was faking sleep, he was really good at it.
I said, "Are you close to your mother?"
"I was until Gilbert. She doesn't like him much, but that's probably because he never paid her much attention. She's a bit of a southern belle. She likes guys who fawn."
"What about your stepfather? What's the story on him?"
"He and Gilbert are as thick as thieves. He never wanted to believe Gilbert's hitting me was unprovoked. It's not like he approved. He just always assumes there's another side to it. He's the kind who says 'Well, that's your story. I'm sure Gilbert would have something else to say about this.' He prides himself on being fair, not jumping to conclusions. Like a judge, you know? He wants to hear prosecution and defense arguments before he hands down his sentence. He says he doesn't want to be judgmental. What he really means is he doesn't believe a word I say. Whatever Gilbert does, I deserve, you know? He probably wishes he could take a pop at me himself."
"What about your mother? Didn't she object to Gilbert's hitting you, or didn't she know?"
"She says whatever Paul says. It's like an unspoken agreement. She doesn't want to rock the boat. She doesn't like conflicts or disagreements. All she wants is peace and quiet. She's just so thrilled to have someone taking care of her, she doesn't want to make waves. Paul always makes out like he's doing her such a big favor being married to her. I think she was twenty-four when they met. I was maybe five years old. So there she was, with an ex-husband in jail and no means of support. The only job she ever had was working as a drugstore clerk. She couldn't make enough to survive. She had to go on welfare, which she thought was the lowest of the low. Her big shame. What the hell. She needed help. It's not like I was illegitimate, but in her eyes, it was the worst. She never wants to have to sink to that again. Besides, with Paul, she doesn't have to work. He doesn't want her to. He wants her to keep house and cater to his every whim. Not a bad deal."
"Yes, it is. It sounds grim."
Laura smiled. "I guess it does, doesn't it? Anyway, when I was growing up, Paul was critical, authoritarian. He ruled the roost. He nearly broke his arm patting himself on the back for all he did for us. In his own way, he was good to her. He never gave a shit about me, but to be fair about it, I'm sure I was a pain. Probably still am, if it comes to that." She leaned her head back against the seat. "Are you married?"
"I was." I held up two fingers.
"You were married twice? Me too. Once to a guy with a 'substance abuse' problem," she said, using her fingers to mark the phrase with quotes.
"Cocaine?"
"That and heroin. Speed, grass, stuff like that.
The other husband was a mama's boy. Jesus, he was weak. He got on my nerves because he was so insecure. He didn't know how to do anything. Plus, he needed all this reassurance. Like what do I know? I'm hardly in a position to make somebody else feel good."
"What about Gilbert?"
"He was great, at first. His problem is, he doesn't trust, you know? He doesn't know how to open up. He can really be so sweet. Sometimes when he drinks, he busts out crying like a baby. Breaks my heart."
"Along with your nose," I said.
15
We passed through Greenville, Brashear, Saltillo, and Mt. Vernon, crossing sparsely wooded farmland on gently rolling hills. Laura fell asleep with her head against the window. Traffic was light and the road was hypnotic. Twice I jerked myself awake, having dropped into a moment of micro-sleep. To keep alert, I reviewed my intellectual Atlas of Texarkana facts, discovering in the process that the entire category contained only two bits of information. First, the Arkansas-Texas state line bisects the town of Texarkana, so that half the population lives in Texas and half in Arkansas. And last, the town is the site of a Federal Correctional Institution, about which I knew nothing else. So much for that form of mental stimulation. On the outskirts of town, I pulled into an all-night filling station, where I stopped to stretch my legs. Ray was still dead to the world so Laura traded places with me and took the wheel. Laura pitched in five bucks and we bought exactly that much gas. It was close to ten-thirty when we crossed the state line, with approximately two hours to go until we reached Little Rock. I settled into the passenger seat, slouched on my spine, knees bent, my feet propped up on the dashboard. I crossed my arms for warmth. The remaining damp in my blazer enveloped me in a humid cloud of woolly smells. The drone of the engine combined with Ray's staccato snores had a tranquilizing effect. The next thing I knew I was drooling on myself. I put my feet down and sat up straight, feeling groggy and disoriented. We passed a highway sign that indicated we'd left U.S. 30 and were now heading north on U.S. 40. "How far to Little Rock?"