I was an anguissette and a sometime Servant of Naamah, that much, the world knew; trained to observe, to remember, to analyze. Not many knew that. Even those who did put little stock in it. I had been at the wrong place at the right time, nothing more. I nearly believed it myself, and sometimes, I think, it was true.
Others would find it easy to believe.
Who would the gatekeeper have trusted?
I could count them on my fingers. Caspar Trevalion, Percy de Somer-ville, Barquiel L'Envers; a half a dozen others. No more.
I could find out, as I had found out that Childric d'Essoms served L'Envers, as I had found out that Solaine Belfours was Lyonette de Trev-alion's puppet. People will speak before an anguissette, careless as with no other, not even the pillow-talk of the Night Court. I stroked the velvet pile of the sangoire cloak. Delaunay had sent all the way to Firezia to find dye-makers who could recreate it. We'd lost the art, in Terre d'Ange. That didn't happen often. Such a beautiful color, Melisande had said, once. It suits you.
It would be easy, so easy, to begin again; I was born to it, I thought, blinking away the red wash that hazed my vision. Joscelin began every morning with the smooth execution of the Cassiline forms drilled into him since he was ten, that deadly, private dance he now performed in the gardens of Montreve, while members of the household watched with covert admiration.
And I, I channeled my gifts and their awful yearnings into my studies, which I was loathe to abandon. No reason to do so, truly. What texts I had, I could easily forward to the City; aught else, I carried in my own skull. And there were Yeshuites aplenty in the City, to carry on Seth ben Yavin's teaching, and the Royal Library, and booksellers, too. And the bequest of Delaunay's house, largely unspent, enough to buy a home in the City, a modest home. Montreve.
There was Montreve, but it would continue; I was fooling myself, if I thought it needed my hand. It had its own staff and holdings, and I need never doubt the loyalty of Purnell and Richeline, happily installed, making of it a home such as his parents had at Perrinwolde, in the absence of the Chevalier and his Lady, Cecilie.
I could always come back. I would, too. I loved it here. Almost as much as I had loved being Delaunay's anguissette, bright star in Naamah's crown. Joscelin.
Ah, Joscelin, I thought, and could have wept. My beautiful boy, if not so chaste; truly, I had an ill-luck name. How many times had I proved a trial nigh beyond bearing, how many times had I promised; this is the last? The old priest—he was the same, I was sure of it—had said it. You have stood at the crossroads and chosen, and like Cassiel, you will ever stand at the crossroads and choose, choose again and again, the path of the Companion. My fault, my doing. I sank my hands into the deep, heavy fabric of my sangoire cloak. So many times I had worn it; so many assignations, always blind to Delaunay's purpose, obedient nonetheless.
It would be different, to do it knowing. It would be different, carrying the secret of my own purpose locked within the vault of my heart, playing counter to Melisande's deadly game. It would be harder.
My heart beat faster at the prospect, and the tide of desire surged within my blood, relentless and unending. How close need I get, before someone's careless lips spilled the secret, revealing their lord or lady to be the traitor of Troyes-le-Mont? For there were Ysandre's ladies-in-waiting, too, those three who had dared to follow her into the teeth of war. I knew their names and faces, locked in memory. Who knew, but that one of them was Melisande's last line of defense?
She always rewarded generously those who had served her. I touched my throat, still bare. No matter; her generosity too was emblazoned on my skin, the finial at the nape of my neck that completed my marque, forever etched by Master Tielhard's exquitely painful tapper, hers, her doing. A gown of sheerest gauze, studded with diamonds. They had bitten deep into my flesh, when I knelt for her.
They had bought me my freedom.
Melisande.
They might cost her freedom yet.
If I had lost my mentor, still, I was not without resources. I had the friendship of the sovereigns of two nations, the Lady of the Dalriada, the Royal Admiral. I had the kindness of a revered scholar of the University of Tiberium to aid me, the goodwill of the Yeshuite community, and a standing claim with one of the kumpanias of the Tsingani. I had friends high and low, and the enduring love of the successor to the Master of the Straits, my dearest friend.
And I had the Perfect Companion.
"Phedre?" Joscelin repeated my name, the question still in his voice, echoed in Gonzago de Escabares' perplexed gaze. So much thought, to have passed in the blink of an eye. I drew a deep breath and looked at Joscelin's face, familiar and concerned; against all odds, beloved.
No more dire prophesies, I had laughed, not reckoning with what I was, with what the priest had named me, sure and true. Kushiel's Dart and Naamah's Servant.
Love as thou wilt, and Elua will ever guide your steps.
"I'll tell you," I said, "Tomorrow."