“You doubt that I am with him?”
She sighed, crossing her arms. “You’re twenty one years old. Do you even know what you want?”
I remembered Ben’s words the first night he was here. “It doesn’t matter what age you are, Mom. You never really know what you want. It changes.”
“Yes, but you learn about yourself along the way. You come to find yourself before you take big steps.”
“I don’t think people ever really find themselves on their own. I think for every special person you meet, you take something from them with you. I think who you are is a built up of everything you’ve ever experienced. He makes me happy. It’s like seeing parts of me for the first time when I’m with him. That rush, that happiness, that need to be connected – he gives it all to me.”
And it really occurred to me then how far into him I was. I realized the more you fell in love with someone, the more you fell in love with yourself. You learn to value who you are because you mean the world to that person and you want to see what they see in you.
That’s what he did for me. The scars that were once associated with self-hatred and fear were now a symbol of a time where I was somebody I never wanted to be again. And looking at them every morning reminded me to keep changing my life for the better.
“I love him,” I then told her with certainty.
She swallowed back her emotion, but her eyes went red with unshed tears. “Then you be happy, Claire, and keep doing what you’re doing.”
When the six weeks were up, she gave me a heartfelt goodbye. We arranged visits for the next year before I drove her to the airport in what was now my car. I watched her stride away with all her bags and suitcases, but it didn’t hit me that she was really gone until I was home.
I walked through the house and felt its emptiness. She went chasing her happiness with Kevin, and she left behind a giant hole. It was bittersweet because I knew it would always come to this, and it was for the best.
I couldn’t reach out to Ben. He was away on business for a couple nights. He did this sometimes, and I kept my nose out of it, trusting his word when he told me before he was looking to get out of whatever he was involved in. When we were together, it was always just about us. We locked the outside world up, ignoring it to focus on each other and the special connection we had.
So because he was away, I called Emily up. I needed her company. I needed the sadness that came with Mom’s departure to retreat back into the ocean where the waves could carry it away.
Emily Jones never failed me, and I loved her to death for being there for me. She cancelled her plans with other friends and came over. We got fat off ice cream and watched trash television until the wee hours of the morning.
“Move in with me,” I told her before I fell asleep on the couch next to her.
To my surprise, she yawned and whispered, “Yeah, I think I will.”
It took her a week to bite the bullet. Bit by bit, she brought her life into the house, decorating the guest room into hers. She seemed content about it, but I always spotted a conflicted shadow in her eyes. Again, withdrawing from me something negative in her life that I wished she’d open up to me about.
My life was full and my last semester of classes were nearing the end as December approached and the heat of summer flooded in.
The days went on, the weather grew warmer, and I couldn’t be happier.
Chapter Fifteen
You’ll be disappointed by the answer
He drew circles around my clit, slowly stroking me. Pinned down with no control, I did nothing but ride it out. I gripped his hair as he continued to torment me, sucking and swirling until I couldn’t take it anymore. I gasped and my body went tight as the orgasm tore through me.
Fuck, would this ever get old?
His tongue continued stroking me for several more seconds before he gave me a kiss on the stomach and moved up to lay beside me.
“You still seeing stars, beauty?” he asked, pressing his lips along the base of my neck as I stared up at the ceiling in a daze.
“I don’t think I’ve stopped seeing stars with you since the moment I met you,” I let out breathlessly.
“You and me both,” he murmured in my ear as his hand trailed down the front of my body and settled between my thighs.
“You’ve ruined it. It’s not working anymore.”
His fingers roamed up and down my wet sex. “Not feeling anything?”
“I’m all numb after that. Back to back orgasms are really exhausting. That whole five orgasms in one sitting that I read about is so full of shit.”
He chuckled. “Five? That might be possible.”
“No, it’s not.”
“See, now you’re telling me it’s not possible, which means I’m taking it as a challenge. And you know how I am with challenges –”
“You always have to win, I know.”
So now that he was a man on a mission, he continued to stroke me, waiting for that lick of pleasure to come back to me. No matter how sexy he was naked, I really was dead down there.
“Did um…” Hmm, how was I going to word this? “Did you like going down on me just now?”
I turned my head to him, meeting those grey mischievous eyes.
“Have I ever not?” he asked, spreading my legs wide open for better access.
I ran a hand through my hair, splaying some over my cheeks to hide my blush, and I said, “I’ve been reading those women’s magazines –”
“I know, you’ve left some behind. Weird shit in there, little lady.”
I let out a laugh. “Yeah, well, anyway, there was this section about oral sex, and some chick was asking how to make her, um, you know, down there –”
“Her cunt?”
God, he’s vulgar. “Her hoo ha,” I corrected him sharply.
Those plump lips of his curved up. “Right. Her hoo ha. Continue then.”
Where the hell was I? Oh, right.
“So she was asking how to make her hoo ha taste better during oral sex. And they recommended –”
“Who recommended?”
“The sex advice people, or whatever.”
“Right, the ‘sex advice people, or whatever’. Of course.”
I ignored the humour in his voice and continued. “And they recommended she eat a lot of yogurt. Anyway, I thought that was interesting advice. Emily thought so too. So we’ve been eating a lot of yogurt.”