“Look, I had to break things off. You don’t know my brother, but robbing Jet’s studio, taking everything that’s important to him, is right up Asa’s alley. I refuse to let someone I care about be my brother’s victim, because of me. Jet deserves to go on this tour, to have something just for him, finally. I did what I did to protect him.”
She sighed heavily and squeezed my hand. Some of the heat had faded out of her jade gaze.
“I think Jet is a big boy. I think if you were honest with him, he would not only be able to protect himself, but you as well.”
I shook my head vehemently. No.
“Asa is trouble and he just needs to go away.”
“So what? You think if he burglarized the studio, you can offer him the money and get the stuff back? I don’t understand.”
“I want the money to see if I can get the book back and get Silas out of town, and off my back. Asa is all about protecting Asa. If I tell him the studio had cameras, there’s a good chance he’ll take the money and run.”
“What if it was Jet’s dad? Rule and Nash were talking about it last night. They seem to think Jet’s dad is the most likely culprit. Apparently, there is a really ugly story there that neither one of them was inclined to share with me.”
It was my turn to sigh.
“I can’t take that risk. If it wasn’t Asa this time, it will be Asa next time. All this has made it pretty clear that no one is safe from him and the kind of havoc he can wreak. The closer you are to me the worse the destruction tends to be. I’m not willing to put Jet in that line of fire.”
We stared at each other for a long moment. I could see the wheels turning in her head, and could see her trying to put all the puzzle pieces together. I knew no matter what, she would come through for me. Shaw loved me, and since I had been with her when her world went upside down and sideways, I knew there was no way she would hang me out to dry when mine was hanging so precariously. Gulping down the fear, I bit down on my bottom lip and told her the truth that I had been shoving back for so long.
“Look, I don’t know about love, or being meant for someone, but I’m infatuated with him. He makes me smile just by being in the same room. When he touches me, I forget to breathe and when he sings to me, oh my Lord, when he sings to me there are no words to describe what that does to me. He has his own struggles, and his own bright and hot place that’s hard to get around because of the heat it generates, but that never stops him from trying to get to me. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. I hate that he ever thought I was so pure, so breakable, but now I feel like I’m shattered into a million pieces of remorse and regret, because he knows just how fallible I really am. I might be in love with him, but I can’t be, because I’m not willing to be the one who destroys him.”
I could feel pressure and moisture build in my eyes, so I dug my nails into my palms to hold it back.
“I haven’t cared about his plans for the future, or compared what a life with him would look like instead of with a guy like Adam, ever since he kissed me in the bathroom on Valentine’s Day at the Fillmore. He’s just . . .” I trailed off and had to close my eyes to keep the emotion from spilling out. “Everything. He is just everything I want.”
Shaw swore softly under her breath. “Then don’t do this, Ayd. You’re making a terrible mistake. I don’t just think he’s everything you want; I think he’s everything you need.”
This conversation had shades of familiarity. We had gone rounds when she was trying to figure out what to do with Rule, so I knew she was coming from a place of honestly wanting what was best for me and wanting to see me happy. But she just didn’t understand what I was dealing with; no one that hadn’t had to deal with Asa could. That on top of the struggle Jet had on his hands with his messed up-parents I don’t know why I thought I could ever play with that kind of fire and not end up seriously burned. We were two people forever marked by those around us, and it hurt to know it was enough to keep us apart.
“Look, Shaw, I really need your help. Things with Jet are what they are, but things with Asa are going to keep snowballing until Silas doesn’t have a choice but to come after me or—God forbid—Cora. Let me handle it and maybe, just maybe, when Jet gets back from tour, we can figure something out.”
Granted, that idea made me want to throw up, but I was nothing if not realistic. “I understand that Asa is a piece of shit and doesn’t deserve me going to the trouble to help him. I hate him most of the time, hate the way he made me feel about myself when I was younger, but my mama did anything, and I do mean anything, that was in her power to keep us together and keep us in a warm, dry place. I don’t owe her much, but I do owe her trying to save Asa from himself this one last time.”
Shaw grabbed my hand and pressed her palm hard against it so that I understood what she was going to say to me was serious and close to her heart.
“You don’t have to sacrifice Jet for Asa, when it’s clear one could love you forever and the other just wants to use you for whatever it is you can do for him. You know, I’m speaking from experience.”
I did know, but I also knew that if Silas got his hands on Asa and handed him over to whomever he had stolen the book from, it was going to end badly. I really didn’t care what happened to Asa, but if I could spare my mom from having to suffer the heartbreak and indignity of burying her son in a pauper’s grave, I was going to do it. And the truth was I couldn’t just watch him die. The added bonus was I got to keep Asa away from everyone I cared about, Jet first and foremost.
“And if anything happens to you, if so much as an eyelash gets damaged while you are messing around trying to clean up your brother’s mess, I won’t hesitate to call the police. You better let him know that I will tell Rule all about this, so he better beware of a whole lot of pissed off coming from the guys, when they hear the entire story. He cares about you and he doesn’t take kindly to people he cares about being manipulated and maneuvered unfairly by family.”
I rubbed my hand across my forehead and tried to get all the stampeding thoughts in line. It was nice to know I had an entire army of tattooed and decidedly dangerous dudes to take up for me, but it was also frustrating that nobody understood I just needed to handle Asa in my own way. If he was responsible for the theft at Jet’s studio, I was going to destroy him myself.
Shaw dug around in her purse and pulled out an envelope and slapped it down on the table between us. I looked at it like it was a live snake, ready to bite me. I couldn’t believe she was just going to hand over that amount of money, that she wasn’t going to make me sign an agreement in blood guaranteeing I would pay her back. Her eyes were locked on mine and I hated the sympathy that was shimmering there.
“I took a cash advance from one of my credit cards. Dad’s been so wrapped up in the divorce and trying to cover his ass, that he won’t notice it for a while.”
I gulped and had to swallow back the sudden rise of bile in my throat. It all felt so dirty and wrong.
“I’ll pay you back.”
She waved a hand, like twenty grand was only twenty dollars. “Eventually. If you want to pay me back sooner, get your head out of your ass and fix things with Jet. Tell him why you’re doing what you’re doing; he deserves to know before he leaves.”
That made me suck in a breath and grit my back teeth together. She got to her feet and leaned over the small table to kiss me on the cheek.
“I love you Ayd. I really hope you get this all fixed before it isn’t just broken, but ruined.”
I watched her walk out of the coffee shop and felt the world tilt on its axis. I had to blink rapidly to avoid the darkness that was starting to swirl around the outside of my vision. Everything, and I do mean everything, I had worked for, the person I had tried so hard to become, was mocking me. She was looking at me from that trailer in Woodward and reminding me that no matter how much distance I put between me and her, I was always going to be Ayden Cross, white trash, and perpetual fixer of all wrongs done by the Cross kids. I took the money off the table, added it to the five grand I had pulled out of my own account, and waited for the menacing figure who had been seated across the coffee shop the entire time I sat there with Shaw to make his way over to me. I wouldn’t put it past Silas to take the money and then demand to know where Asa was, so I had to put together a plan that kept everyone safe.
Silas looked even worse out of the dim light of the bar bathroom and I hated the way he ran appraising eyes over me.
“Where’s your bother?”
I wrapped my hands back around the coffee and met his stare head-on.
“I don’t know, but I’m going to find him and get the book back.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment and I saw his gaze flicker to the bag on the floor where I had stashed the money.
“You think you can work this so he gets outta Dodge, scot-free?”
I shook my head a little.
“I’ll get the book for you, but Asa is off-limits. He gets to go to Canada, Mexico, wherever the hell he ends up, and you leave me and my mama alone.”
“The people he stole from aren’t the kind of people that work that way. Retaliation in blood, Ayd. You’re smart enough to know that. Hell, you were always too smart for the shit Asa dragged you into. None of us could ever figure out what you were doing there, not that we didn’t appreciate it while you were. Probably the only chance most of us were ever gonna get to have a piece as hot as you.”
It made me want to hurl, but I just rolled my eyes. I knew how to get guys like Silas to give me what I wanted. I could flirt, could make suggestive come-ons, could take him to bed and make him forget his own name, but the part of me that refused to let that Ayden back just gave him a bored look and tapped short fingernails on the table.
“If you want the book, that’s the deal.”
“How do you even know Asa still has it, or that he’ll give it to you?”
I didn’t, but my brother wasn’t the only skilled liar in the family.
“He will, otherwise I’m handing him over to you to do with what you will. I didn’t ask for him to show up and get his sticky fingers all in my perfectly nice life here. If Asa doesn’t want to play ball with me, he can take his chances with you and the bikers.”
He narrowed flinty eyes at me. “I’m going to need some kind of insurance.”
I didn’t even act like I was surprised by that. I bent down and dug out the five grand. I shoved it at him, careful to make sure no part of him touched me.
“This is the last favor I’m doing for Asa. If he wants to steal and tangle with people who would kill him just as soon as they would look at him, I’m done. I’ll get the book, Silas, but if you follow me, if you harass my roommate or my mama anymore, I’m telling you that there are plenty of people here in this town that are willing to make sure you never make it back to Kentucky.”
He watched me without blinking. I think he was weighing how serious I was, and considering the fact that I felt like I was leaking poison and pain all over the place, he must have seen whatever it was he was looking for.