My seat, to which Bessie and the bitter Miss Abbot had left me

riveted, was a low ottoman near the marble chimney-piece; the bed

rose before me; to my right hand there was the high, dark wardrobe,

with subdued, broken reflections varying the gloss of its panels; to

my left were the muffled windows; a great looking-glass between them

repeated the vacant majesty of the bed and room. I was not quite

sure whether they had locked the door; and when I dared move, I got

up and went to see. Alas! yes: no jail was ever more secure.

Returning, I had to cross before the looking-glass; my fascinated

glance involuntarily explored the depth it revealed. All looked

colder and darker in that visionary hollow than in reality: and the

strange little figure there gazing at me, with a white face and arms

specking the gloom, and glittering eyes of fear moving where all

else was still, had the effect of a real spirit: I thought it like

one of the tiny phantoms, half fairy, half imp, Bessie's evening

stories represented as coming out of lone, ferny dells in moors, and

appearing before the eyes of belated travellers. I returned to my

stool.

Superstition was with me at that moment; but it was not yet her hour

for complete victory: my blood was still warm; the mood of the

revolted slave was still bracing me with its bitter vigour; I had to

stem a rapid rush of retrospective thought before I quailed to the

dismal present.

All John Reed's violent tyrannies, all his sisters' proud

indifference, all his mother's aversion, all the servants'

partiality, turned up in my disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a

turbid well. Why was I always suffering, always browbeaten, always

accused, for ever condemned? Why could I never please? Why was it

useless to try to win any one's favour? Eliza, who was headstrong

and selfish, was respected. Georgiana, who had a spoiled temper, a

very acrid spite, a captious and insolent carriage, was universally

indulged. Her beauty, her pink cheeks and golden curls, seemed to

give delight to all who looked at her, and to purchase indemnity for

every fault. John no one thwarted, much less punished; though he

twisted the necks of the pigeons, killed the little pea-chicks, set

the dogs at the sheep, stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit,

and broke the buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory: he

called his mother "old girl," too; sometimes reviled her for her

dark skin, similar to his own; bluntly disregarded her wishes; not

unfrequently tore and spoiled her silk attire; and he was still "her

own darling." I dared commit no fault: I strove to fulfil every

duty; and I was termed naughty and tiresome, sullen and sneaking,

from morning to noon, and from noon to night.




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