"I had determined and was convinced that I could and ought. It was

not my original intention to deceive, as I have deceived you. I

meant to tell my tale plainly, and make my proposals openly: and it

appeared to me so absolutely rational that I should be considered

free to love and be loved, I never doubted some woman might be found

willing and able to understand my case and accept me, in spite of

the curse with which I was burdened."

"Well, sir?"

"When you are inquisitive, Jane, you always make me smile. You open

your eyes like an eager bird, and make every now and then a restless

movement, as if answers in speech did not flow fast enough for you,

and you wanted to read the tablet of one's heart. But before I go

on, tell me what you mean by your 'Well, sir?' It is a small phrase

very frequent with you; and which many a time has drawn me on and on

through interminable talk: I don't very well know why."

"I mean,--What next? How did you proceed? What came of such an

event?"

"Precisely! and what do you wish to know now?"

"Whether you found any one you liked: whether you asked her to

marry you; and what she said."

"I can tell you whether I found any one I liked, and whether I asked

her to marry me: but what she said is yet to be recorded in the

book of Fate. For ten long years I roved about, living first in one

capital, then another: sometimes in St. Petersburg; oftener in

Paris; occasionally in Rome, Naples, and Florence. Provided with

plenty of money and the passport of an old name, I could choose my

own society: no circles were closed against me. I sought my ideal

of a woman amongst English ladies, French countesses, Italian

signoras, and German grafinnen. I could not find her. Sometimes,

for a fleeting moment, I thought I caught a glance, heard a tone,

beheld a form, which announced the realisation of my dream: but I

was presently undeserved. You are not to suppose that I desired

perfection, either of mind or person. I longed only for what suited

me--for the antipodes of the Creole: and I longed vainly. Amongst

them all I found not one whom, had I been ever so free, I--warned as

I was of the risks, the horrors, the loathings of incongruous

unions--would have asked to marry me. Disappointment made me

reckless. I tried dissipation--never debauchery: that I hated, and

hate. That was my Indian Messalina's attribute: rooted disgust at

it and her restrained me much, even in pleasure. Any enjoyment that

bordered on riot seemed to approach me to her and her vices, and I

eschewed it.




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