My heart beat faster as I took in the sight of my husband. His flattened hair stuck to the sides of his head. He had bags under his glowing green eyes. He was still the most gorgeous man I’d ever laid eyes on.
Jake ran to me and planted his nose in my neck, releasing a deep breath into me. His skin was cold to the touch. “What a nightmare last night was. They discharged her. She’s back at the group home now.” He squeezed me tighter. “God, Nina. It feels so fucking good to be home.”
Doing everything in my power to fight back tears, I reluctantly pushed back. Even though I was tempted to stay in the safety and warmth of his arms, my mood was out of control, and it would ruin everything. I had to cool it, and that meant leaving.
“Why do you have your coat on?”
“I need to get out for a while. I didn’t want you to come home and not find me.”
“What? Why? Is it because I spent the night at the hospital?”
That wasn’t entirely the issue, but I implied that it was. “What do you think?”
“Baby, I—”
“Listen, last night was just a really rough night. You’ve never not come home before. Ever. I just…I got upset. It’s not only that. I need to clear my mind. I’ll be fine. I just need some space.”
“Nina, I’m sorry. But I just don’t understand.”
“Please don’t call me and don’t text me, okay? I’m serious. I just need to be alone for a while.”
The terrified look on his face didn’t stop me. I closed the door behind me and never looked back.
***
The stormy weather of the previous day had given way to a beautiful morning as mounds of white snow reflected the bright rays of the sun.
After a few hours of roaming our neighborhood and two stops into a couple of different restaurants that were open for breakfast, my exact destination was still unclear. Ice crunched beneath my Ugg boots as I continued to stroll along the side streets, still not ready to go home.
When I got to the tracks along Beacon Street, a Green Line trolley approached in the distance. It eventually screeched to a halt in front of me, and the doors opened. I impulsively got inside without paying attention to where it was headed.
I shut my eyes and let the swaying motion of the trolley ride calm me as I thought about the baby growing inside of me. The timing of my first pregnancy couldn’t have been worse. It was in the midst of first finding out about Ivy and dealing with all of the changes to Jake’s and my relationship that came along with that. The stress leading up to A.J’s birth was unprecedented and helped create the perfect storm that led to a really rough time after he was born.
I was determined that this baby would come into the world under different circumstances. Whatever demons or insecurities that remained inside of me needed to be eradicated in the next nine months.
Something written in pen on the back of the seat in front of me caught my eye.
Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.
I’d had a lot of fears in my lifetime. With Jake’s help, I was able to overcome many of them. But when you’re a fearful person by nature, often times, old fears are simply replaced with brand new ones. Ivy had been at the root of my anxieties from the moment I first found out about her. Even though Jake never gave me a reason to feel insecure, I couldn’t help it. Because I’d never met her, had never even seen what she looked like, she was like this mythical creature that held a small part of my husband’s heart. The times I became most insecure were the times that I focused on that one small part I didn’t have, rather than the majority I owned.
Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.
The next stop was Park Street. Vaguely, it registered that Park Street was where I could switch to the Red Line train. The Red Line would take me to Dorchester. Dorchester was where Ivy lived.
I wouldn’t admit to myself that I was actually considering going there. If it became truth, I would lose the courage to do something that might be necessary for my own mental health. Maybe I would just peek in the window. Maybe I wouldn’t actually say anything to her. But it just suddenly became clear to me that as long as Ivy was a faceless monster in my head, the fear of the unknown would always be there. How could you tackle a fear if you didn’t really know what you were dealing with? I took one last look at the words responsible for catapulting an ordinary day into one I hoped I wouldn’t regret for the rest of my life.
Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.
I stood up and clung to a metal pole as the trolley came to a stop.
After dumping change into the open guitar case of a man performing on the platform below, I waited anxiously for the next train—the train that would take me to Ivy’s neighborhood. I’d ordered a gift basket for the staff at the group home once as a favor to Jake, so I knew the address. I’d even stalked the house a few times on Google Earth, squinting my eyes to examine every last detail as if I’d get a glimpse of her.
Once on the train, I checked my phone. No text from Jake. Even though I’d told him not to text me, I was surprised but thankful that he listened. I wasn’t sure I could have gone through with this if he’d sent a message that made me feel guilty.
The announcement for my stop amped up the adrenaline running through my veins. “Fields Corner!”
As I exited the train, I took out my phone and entered the address into a GPS application.
It would be about a ten minute walk to the group home. As I followed the route, my mouth was parched, and my heart was beating out of control. With each step forward, doubt spread like wildfire. I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.