He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I’m concerned with you, not other people.”
“I’m confused. You didn’t betray what we had, but you’re with Naomi? Are you . . . are you in love with her and hiding that fact from me?”
“Do you think I am?”
“Of course I do. You told me in front of her that you didn’t want me. Why would you say that if it wasn’t true? Why were you with Naomi if you really want me?”
He leaned forward, his mouth brushing against mine. “I can’t tell you why.”
“What?” I jerked back. “What sort of an answer is that?”
“The secrets I keep from you are not mine, Francesca. I can’t tell them to you without first receiving permission to do so.”
I put my other hand on his chest, intending to push him away from me, but with both hands touching his skin, I could feel to the tiniest iota the depths of his emotions. I closed my eyes against the despair and anguish a thousand times more horrible than what I had felt at his betrayal. His pain was so deep it seared through his being, from which he had no escape. He was tormented and tortured, his heart empty, his future bleak, and all because the one woman who could save him had abandoned him, left him alone, refused him. . . .
“Not refused,” I said, opening my eyes, tears scalding my face as I bit back a sob. For the first time since I had met him, he had wholly opened his thoughts and emotions to me, and the experience left me reeling. He hadn’t moved on with his life. He was the one who was betrayed, the one who was left to live in perpetual torment while I blithely went off to find myself, believing he’d be just fine on his own.
“Oh, Ben,” I said on another sob, and he was there, surrounding me, warm and wonderful and everything I wanted in the world. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been wholly selfish. But no one seemed to understand how frustrating it was to be told I had to accept you, had to redeem your soul, had to spend the rest of my life bound to you without regard to anything I might want. Not even you understood.”
“No,” he agreed. “I didn’t until that last call. Then I knew that you truly felt trapped by our bond. So I gave you what you wanted—time by yourself, without restrictions. I knew that in your frame of mind, you would not hesitate to rush out and do everything you’d felt unable to do before. And you did—you changed your hair, you left school and moved out on your own. You got a job that was a far cry from your history degree. I expected you to start dating. You didn’t. In fact, it seemed to my friend that you almost had an aversion to other men, refusing even what must be commonplace associations with them. That surprised and pleased me. It led me to believe that the situation wasn’t as hopeless as I first thought.”
I looked up into the eyes that I knew so well, now a warm oak color, the tiny little flecks of black and gold making his eyes shine. Why, Ben, why?
He knew exactly what I was asking. I sensed his withdrawal, the secrets he kept from me. I can’t tell you. I wish I could.
You told me once you couldn’t lie to me, that by being your Beloved, I held some sort of amazing power over you. You said you’d let me kill you, if that’s what I truly wanted.
And so I would, but I have oaths I must honor, Fran. I don’t like it any more than you do, and I assumed that since you weren’t ready to talk to me, that I would have time to take care of this situation before I would begin broaching the subject of courting you. A tiny little frown appeared between his brows, and without thinking, I smoothed it away. Why did you return now?
“I thought Loki had kidnapped my mother, but Absinthe says she’s in love, and just off on a love spree. I don’t know what to think, but I’m going to find out just what’s going on,” I said, feeling as dull as my words sounded. “How can I trust you if you can’t be honest with me, Ben?”
“You know what is in my heart. You’ve felt it,” he pointed out. “Can you not trust me to do what I must?”
I pulled my hands from him, my own heart somewhat pieced back together, but aching and bruised still. “I think it’s possible for a man to want to be with more than one woman at a time.”
“A man, perhaps. But I am not a mortal man. There is only one woman for me, and you are that woman.”
Part of me wanted to hear that, but the other part wondered if it was his heart speaking, or the Dark One who simply recognized his salvation. “Ben—”
“I know. You’re not ready to hear that. I apologize. I just don’t want you thinking that I am indifferent to you.”
“And Naomi?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“The situation with Naomi is . . .” He bit off the words as if he’d said too much.
I watched his face for a moment, not needing to touch him to feel his regret. Idly, I looked down to my fingers, touching the now almost faded marks, trying to make sense of what he said, and of emotions so confused and tangled I wondered if I’d ever straighten them out. “You’re not going to leave her, are you?”
He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again, his face hard and angular.
Having my answer, I touched the hair that swept back from his forehead to the nape of his neck. Ben’s hair had always been gorgeous, and now, worn about four inches long, brushed back and curling slightly on the ends, it made me want to run my fingers through its silky lengths. “You cut your hair.”
His gaze went to my head, a little smile on his lips. “So have you.”
“I liked yours better the way it used to be, when it touched your shoulders. I’ve always thought long hair on men was sexy.”
He slid his fingers along the back of my neck, pulling me forward until his mouth brushed mine again. “I prefer yours longer, as well. Tell me you understand, Francesca.”
“Well . . . I don’t understand, Ben. I just don’t.” I hadn’t intended to kiss him. I really hadn’t. But I had wanted to for so long, the need just overwhelmed me. “I think I want to kiss you, though.”
Passion flared in his eyes. His hands slid around my waist as he leaned into me. “What word will you say this time?”
I nipped his lower lip, sucking it into my mouth to take away the sting. “Do I still need kissing lessons so badly that I have to say words like ‘Mississippi’ against your mouth?”
“Absolutely not,” he growled, his fingers digging into my hips. I tipped my head up, my fingers in his hair, whispering against his lips just before I kissed him, really kissed him, relishing the slightly spicy taste of his mouth with a pleasure I felt down to my bones.
Ben had a unique scent that never failed to make me tingle; it wasn’t the chemical smell of a cologne, but something that came from within him, a scent that reminded me of frankincense mingled with leather, touched with the sharp tang that I remembered from a trip into an alpine forest. He smelled wild and untamed and dangerous, and I knew down to the very last atom that made up my body I would never get enough of it. Of him.
“Did you mean it?” he murmured against my mouth when I let him have his tongue back.
“Oh, yes.” The lust-filled haze in my mind cleared slightly and I realized I had no idea what he was talking about. “Did I mean what?”
He chuckled, a sound that had its origins deep in his chest. I was seated sideways on his lap, my side pressed against his torso, allowing me to feel the rumble of it in my suddenly sensitized breast. “Did you really miss me?”
I pulled away from the lure of his mouth, noting absently that his eyes turned to burnished oak when I kissed him. “Yes. Every night since we broke up, I’ve wondered what you were doing, and whether you missed me.” I paused, watching the little gold bits in his eyes glitter. “About this courting . . . I don’t know that it’s going to be the answer. What if you woo me and it doesn’t work? What if we don’t fall madly in love? What if we’re just the way we were, a vampire and his Beloved, and nothing more?”
“Then we will deal with that. If you wish to be free of me, then you will,” he said simply, and I felt a little piece of the ice shard that had pierced my heart melt away.
“You can’t very well date me and Naomi at the same time. It goes without saying that I don’t share.”
He said nothing, but tilted up my chin and took possession of my mouth in a way that made the kiss I’d initiated seem tame by comparison. The taste of him triggered so many memories of the past, and so many fantasies that followed in the long years without him. His tongue was as hot and bossy as I remembered, and I reveled in the scent and feel and taste of him. For a few seconds, I let everything else fall aside, glorying simply in the sensation of having him in my arms.
A pulsing red hunger rose in him, urging him to take what he needed, to fulfill the most primal part of him. I sucked his lower lip for a moment, releasing it to turn my head slightly, saying, “You’re hungry.”
He moaned as his lips caressed my neck, burning me with both the touch and the desire that spilled over from him.
“Go ahead, Ben. I may not be sure of a future with you, but at least I can feed you.”
His fingers were tight on my arm as his kisses burned even hotter on my flesh until his mouth was pressed against a pulse point. My heart thumped so loud I swear everyone in the Faire would hear it.
Feed, Ben.
Teeth stung across my skin for a moment, and I braced myself for his bite. With a profane snarl, he shoved himself back from me, stalking to the door, leaning his forehead on it as his shoulders heaved.
I stared at him first in surprise, then mortification. He didn’t want to drink my blood?
“I want to,” he said, his voice rough and tight. “Dear god, Fran, how can you believe I want anything but to Join with you once and for all? That’s all that’s filled my mind for the last five years. But I can’t. Not now. Not while . . .”
Hurt and confusion twisted around my heart. I looked at Ben, his head down as he faced the door, his body language reading anger and frustration. “Imogen told me once that if you fed from me, you wouldn’t be able to take blood from her or anyone else, that all blood but mine would be poisonous to you. You don’t want to drink from me because then you wouldn’t be able to feed from Naomi. Is that it, Ben? You’d rather feed from her than from me?”