Fergus’s eyebrows pulled together. “But you said—”
“I know what I said, and I’d thank you to be more careful of what you say in public.”
His shoulders slumped. “Aye, lass. I wasna thinking.”
Remorse flooded through her and her step faltered. She hovered on the edge of pretending she hadn’t been harsh with him and asking his forgiveness. Fergus was in London pretending to be a servant well below his high rank of land steward because he was the kindest man she knew. When she had told him that she wanted to find her sisters, his response had filled her with hope and gratitude.
Blood ties shouldna be severed.
Her husband had told her the opposite. He’d said to think about the future and what their children would need—those strapping sons he had wanted so badly.
The past and future cannot exist side by side, Helena. Remember where you would be if I hadn’t taken you away and provided you with a home. Leave it behind you.
Tears pricked her eyes, and she turned toward the only man who had ever treated her as if what she wanted mattered. “Forgive me, Fergus. I don’t know why you tolerate me so.”
A corner of his mouth turned up as he held a handkerchief out to her. “You are a mite surly at times, but I tolerate you well enough.”
She dabbed at the tears before they spilled over. “Thank you. I mean that sincerely.”
His toothy grin appeared. “Run along, lass. We could have a long night ahead of us.”
She nodded and returned his handkerchief. “I will be back in a wink.” This was a frequent promise she’d made as a girl when Fergus agreed to take her and his sister fishing. Helena had been grateful for the moments she could forget about her lessons and earn a bit of freedom for a while.
She rang for her maid as soon as she reached her room. Ismay arrived with her characteristic smile, despite her eyes still being cloudy from sleep. Ismay was Fergus’s younger sister, and Robert, the coachman, was his cousin. In fact, every servant at Aldmist Fell was some relation to him. Only Helena’s governess had been an outsider.
When Wickie first brought Helena to the castle, he’d left her in the care of his servants. He rarely visited Aldmist Fell the first three years she had lived there, and when he did, their audiences were brief. He would demand an accounting of her progress from her governess, ask Helena if she needed anything, then dismiss them both.
Wickie wasn’t unkind in their encounters, but his intensity had made her squirm. It was like he was inspecting her for flaws. She had been relieved to see his carriage driving away from the castle at the end of each visit.
She had met Fergus about two weeks after her arrival. He worked as Wickie’s land steward and Fergus’s mother was the cook, which meant he took all his meals at Aldmist Fell.
In the beginning, Helena dined alone in the drafty hall, but the day she screwed up her courage and made her way to the servants’ dining room, Fergus had welcomed her. Being the highest-ranking servant, he’d overruled his mother and her governess, filled a plate for Helena, and made a spot beside him at the table. She ate every meal with the staff from that moment until Wickie returned and made her the lady of Aldmist Fell.
“Godspeed, milady,” Ismay said as she secured the last fastening on Helena’s boot.
“Thank you, my friend.”
They shared a quick hug, then Helena rejoined the men. Tonight she and Fergus would be searching another brothel. More aptly, he would be searching while she waited close by biting her nails.
Blast. She hated having to rely on a man, even if he was a good one. But what choice did she have? She couldn’t waltz into the brothel and demand information on her sister, or at least Fergus said she couldn’t.
He assisted her into the carriage then climbed inside for the ride to Whitechapel as he always did when he wasn’t pretending to be her footman. His brows lowered over his dark green eyes. “You should wait with Robert tonight. It’s not safe. I promise to return with any information I learn about Lavinia at once.”
She offered a bland smile. They had the same conversation every night. “If you find my sister and she’s reluctant to come with you, how do you propose to get her to the carriage without her sounding the alarm?”