"Oh, that's a lie," Rip says. "That's a big lie."
"Why is that a lie?"
"Because Julian is how I met a girl named Rain Turner."
"I don't know who that is."
Rip parodies a brief scowl and makes a dismissive gesture with his hand. "Oh, dude, you handled that so awkwardly." He sighs, impatient. "That girl you've been hanging with? The so-called actress you promised to give a part to in your little movie? Does this ring a bell? Please, don't be an idiot with me."
I can't say anything. I'm suddenly gripping the iron railing. The information is an excuse not to look at him anymore. The fear, the big black stain of it, is rushing forward and it's in the heat and the vast expanse of empty terrace and everywhere else.
"You're shaking there, bro," Rip says. "Maybe you want to sit down?"
On the East Terrace I'm finally numb enough to listen as Rip starts speaking again, after he takes a brief call confirming lunch and texts someone else back and we're sitting on a bench in direct sunlight and I feel my skin blistering and I can't move and up close Rip's face is androgynous and his eyelashes are tinted.
"Anyway, so I meet her and I like her and I think we hit it off and then I'm not paying for it anymore and I'm actually thinking about divorcing my wife, which shows you how committed I am to this girl." Rip keeps gesturing with his hands. "I tell Rain to quit the gig and she does. I take care of everything - pay the rent for her and the bitch roommate in that dump on Orange Grove, clothes, f**king hair, the Beamer, personal trainer, tanning salon, whatever she wants. I even got her a gig at that place on La Cienega, Reveal, all these things that Julian can't afford to do - and guess what she still really wants?"
Rip waits. I'm processing everything. And then it hits me and I say in a low voice, "She still wants to be an actress."
"Well, she wants to be famous," Rip says. "But at least you're paying attention," he says. "That's basically the correct answer."
I can't unclench my fists and Rip gets up and starts pacing in front of me.
"I think you know by now it's never going to happen for her, but anyway Julian's been bragging about what a great friend Clay is and that he'll be sure to hook her up with you and this movie that I guess you have some hand in casting. Whatever. I mean, it sounded like bullshit to me but you've gotta have hope, right?" Rip suddenly stops and checks his phone, then puts it back in his pocket. "But when you first got into town Julian kind of riled you up about something and I guess you guys didn't exactly hit it off that night so he didn't ask you to help out." Rip sighs, as if tired of it all, yet continues. "Somehow she manages to get an audition - something I admittedly don't really care about or have the juice to do and anyway I think it's a waste of time because she has no talent - and so she comes in and reads for you guys and I'm guessing she's just f**k-awful but she has her charms and the rest is ... well, why don't you tell me what the rest is, Clay?"
I'm just sitting silently on the stone bench.
"I take it you've been banging her for a couple of weeks now?"
I don't say anything.
Rip sighs. "That's an answer in a way."
"Rip, please - "
"And then she splits for San Diego," Rip says. "Right?"
"She went to see her family."
"Family?" Rip scowls. "Did you know that Julian was in San Diego with her?"
"Why would I know that?" I say.
"Oh, come on, Clay - "
"Rip, please, what do you want?"
He considers this. "I want her." And then he considers something else. "I mean, I know, I know, she's just a dumb cunt actress, right?"
I'm nodding and Rip registers the nods and cocks his head, curious.
"If you're agreeing with me, then why are you so beat up over her?" he asks.
"I don't know," I say quietly. "I just am."
"Have you ever thought that maybe this - your little freak-out - isn't about her?" Rip says. "That maybe it's about you?"
"No." I swallow. "I haven't."
"Look, you're not the threat," Rip says. "She's just using you. However ... she really likes him." Rip pauses. "Julian's the problem."
"The problem? What are you talking about? Why is he the problem?"
"Julian is the problem," Rip says, "because Rain denied anything was going on with him until I found out about their little vacation in San Diego last week."