Chapter 1349: ‘Selling Crutches’ (Second Half)
Translator: Legge Editor: Legge
On TV.
Confused, Yao Jiancai parked his bicycle and walked over. “Hmm? What’s going on? Who’s abducting (guǎi mài) you?”
Dong Shanshan said clumsily, “No one, his crutches are for sale (guǎi mài).”
Yao Jiancai looked at him. “You want to abduct (guǎi mài) people?”
The audience laughed, “Hahahaha!”
Zhang Ye glared at him. “Are you blind? Abduct? If I want to abduct, would I abduct someone like her? Would you buy her off me?!”
Dong Shanshan did look ugly in costume!
The audience laughed, “Hahahahaha!”
Yao Jiancai spoke in a northeastern accent, “Hey, just what is going on between the two of you?”
Dong Shanshan gave a dry laugh. “We’re a couple, and we’re just having fun here!”
Zhang Ye also laughed. “Hur hur hur, there’s nothing to do, so we’re just having fun!”
Yao Jiancai said into the camera, “These two, having fun by selling the wife on the New Year?”
…
Backstage.
A staff member came running over.
“Boss! The viewership numbers have exploded!”
“What? How many are there watching now?”
“We can’t get the figures yet!”
“Then how do you know?”
“The staff tabulating the viewership data told us! They said that since Director Zhang’s skit began, the viewership numbers shot up in a straight line! It has grown to a crazy amount of viewers!”
“Good! Good! Very good!”
“It’s still Zhang Ye who has the most appeal!”
“Come on, Director Zhang! Let’s see how high of a viewership ratings you can achieve!”
“Are we going to break the record this time?”
“It all depends on how the skit does!”
…
The skit continued.
Yao Jiancai had successfully been tricked by Zhang Ye.
Zhang Ye smiled and said, “In recent days, have you noticed that any part of your body is feeling different from before? Think about it, think hard about it!”
Yao Jiancai touched his head. “I don’t feel that anything is different, except that my face keeps swelling.”
The audience laughed. “Hahahaha!”
Zhang Ye snapped his fingers. “That’s right! But this isn’t the main illness! Do you know why your face is swelling? Because of necrosis of your peripheral nervous system causing your upper body to swell.”
Yao Jiancai was startled. “Then where am I getting affected?”
Zhang Ye pointed. “Below the waist, and above your feet!”
Yao Jiancai: “My legs?”
Zhang Ye: “Spot on!”
Yao Jiancai shook his head. “No, that can’t be. I don’t have any major problems with my legs!”
Zhang Ye rolled his eyes as he pointed at Yao Jiancai and said loudly, “Take two steps forward! Two steps! If you’re fine, just walk two steps to see how it feels! Walk!”
The audience:
“Hahahaha!”
“Aiyo, Zhang Ye is really too much!”
“How wicked of him!”
Yao Jiancai got frightened. His movements were very stiff. “Alright, alright, two…two steps. I’ll take two steps if you want me to take two steps.”
Zhang Ye: “Stop! There’s nothing wrong with your shoes, right? One is higher than the other?”
Yao Jiancai: “These are sneakers, they’re almost flat!”
Zhang Ye: “That’s right, so it’s your legs that have a problem. One of them is shorter! How about this, I’ll give you a tune-up. Do you believe me? When I lift my hand, raise your leg, as high as you can, then slam it into the ground when I lower it. Do you believe me? There’s definitely a problem with your legs: Your right leg is shorter! Come, raise it!”
Dong Shanshan watched curiously from the side.
Yao Jiancai nervously raised his leg!
Zhang Ye’s swung his hand downward!
Yao Jiancai followed and stomped his foot!
Raise!
Stomp!
Raise!
Stomp!
Finally, Zhang Ye pointed at him. “Stop! Do you feel numb?”
Yao Jiancai said dumbfoundedly, “I do!”
Dong Shanshan hurriedly pulled Zhang Ye aside and asked in bewilderment, “Eh, how did his foot become numb?”
Zhang Ye rolled his eyes. “Of course. You’d feel numb if you stomped your foot too!”
…
The live audience burst into laughter!
“Hahahahaha!”
“Aiyo, I can’t take this anymore!”
“This cheat!”
“Old Yao has been scammed again!”
“Hahahahahahahaha!”
“You’d feel numb if you stomped your foot too? What a classic line, damn!”
…
Zhang Ye: “Start walking, start walking! Don’t control it, I’m 100% sure your leg has a problem. Don’t control it, relax! Let’s go! Keep walking! Walk, faster! Walk, don’t think. Why don’t you follow my lead? Keep walking, bit by bit, let’s go.”
Yao Jiancai staggered behind Zhang Ye. The more he walked, the more unsteady he was. “Aiya, aiya, aiya, oh my God!”
Zhang Ye smiled and said, “Right, now walk by yourself!”
Dong Shanshan said in surprise, “He’s tricked a good pair of legs lame!”
Yao Jiancai turned around. “What did you say?”
Zhang Ye chuckled and said, “See that? My wife saw it. She says that your leg has become lame from being idle.”
Yao Jiancai was almost in tears. “My dear sis, then why didn’t I notice it earlier?”
Dong Shanshan laughed. “That’s because you didn’t meet him earlier. If you did, you’d have already been crippled!”
…
At Zhang Ye’s maternal grandma’s house.
His third sister was cramping up from laughter!
His second sister was crouched on the floor and clutching her stomach as she laughed!
The entire family was staggering from laughter!
“This is too funny!”
“Little Ye is terrible!”
“How did he even think of something like that!”
“Hahahahaha!”
…
The skit was getting to the best parts.
The laughter of the audience didn’t stop!
Yao Jiancai: “Use a crutch?”
Zhang Ye: “Please sit down. After you use a crutch, your legs will start balancing out and then gradually get better. Back then, when an old man noticed that my leg had problems, my wife didn’t allow me to see a doctor because it pained her how much it would cost. In the end, I was crippled.” He patted his leg and said, “There’s a steel plate inside and I can’t bend it.”
Yao Jiancai said in surprise, “This leg is crippled?”
Dong Shanshan: “No, this is a good leg.”
Zhang Ye harrumphed. “What are you saying! Would I have needed crutches if it was a good leg?”
Yao Jiancai: “That’s right.”
Dong Shanshan interrupted, “Those crutches are not—”
Yao Jiancai got angry. “Aiya, my dear sis! Can you please stop messing around already? This is a discussion between two patients, so why do you keep trying to interrupt us!”
Dong Shanshan was exasperated!
…
Backstage.
Some of the performers who had finished their acts had also gathered around to watch the Spring Festival Gala.
Like Zhang Yuanqi.
Like Chen Guang and Fan Wenli.
Like Ci Xiufang and her team.
At this moment, they were all laughing hard at the skit!
“Hahahahaha!”
“I’m crying I’m laughing so hard!”
“I can’t take it, I can’t take it anymore!”
“I’m dying from laughter!”
…
On TV.
Yao Jiancai: “Then where can I buy crutches?”
Dong Shanshan said, “It just so happens that we have a pair of crutches here that we could sell to you.”
However, Zhang Ye appeared to get annoyed. “What are you saying? Stand aside! What are you trying to sell? If you sell them, what will I use? How can you behave like this? Women are so stingy. Why can’t I just gift it to him?”
Yao Jiancai: “Don’t!”
Dong Shanshan was stunned. “You’re not selling it anymore?”
Zhang Ye picked up the crutches and handed them to him. “Here, take the crutches!”
Yao Jiancai said agitatedly, “Aiya, bro, I can’t take this for free. I have to pay for it.”
Zhang Ye smacked his lips. “I know what you’re like. Women, if they want money, you can’t just not pay them. I have to uphold your honor, so if I don’t accept the money, that would mean I’m looking down on you, isn’t that so? I still have to accept it. So alright, just pay me half the amount. 100 yuan.”
Yao Jiancai immediately said, “Ai, sure, sure, sure.”
Zhang Ye smiled and said, “If you pay me any more than that, I’ll be angry with you!”
Yao Jiancai fumbled through his pockets for cash for a long time. “Aiya, bro, I only have a total of 32 yuan in my two pockets.”
Dong Shanshan took the money that Zhang Ye received and sighed. “We’ll just take it then and get however much we can get out of it.”
But at this moment.
Zhang Ye suddenly stared with wide eyes at Dong Shanshan. “What of the bicycle?” He shouted at her, “What of the bicycle?!”
The audience laughed, “Hahahahaha!”
Yao Jiancai slapped his forehead and quickly went to push the bicycle over. “Aiya, that’s right, that’s right!”
Zhang Ye stared at Dong Shanshan and said, “How can you be like that?”
Dong Shanshan was so angry that she almost cried. “I didn’t say I wanted the bicycle! It was you who said you wanted the bicycle!”
…
The audience:
“Hahahahaha!”
“I’m dying of laughter, aiyo!”
“This is hilarious!”
“What of the bicycle? Pfft, hahahaha!”
“That is such a classic line!”
…
At Old Wu’s parents’ house.
Li Qinqin was laughing and wiping away her tears simultaneously!
Wu Mo was gasping for air from laughing too much.
“I’m dizzy from laughing!”
“Why is it so funny!”
“When did she say that she wanted the bicycle!”
…
On TV.
Zhang Ye said angrily, “I’m so sorry for that. This wife of mine is really getting out of hand. How can she say that she wants the bicycle as well!”
Dong Shanshan said in anger, “I didn’t say that I wanted the bicycle!”
Yao Jiancai hurriedly said, “My old bro, don’t be angry. I feel that my sis here isn’t wrong in saying that. For a person with a problematic leg like me, I might as well bid farewell to this bicycle!”
It was another classic line!
The entire audience’s laughter roared like the thunder!
It was so loud that it nearly tore through the roof!
Dong Shanshan became so angry that she snatched the bicycle. “No! You can’t take another person’s bicycle!” Then she pushed it back into Yao Jiancai’s hands. “Hurry up and take it back; bring it home with you. You don’t know how badly he’s cheating you!”
Yao Jiancai also said angrily, “You’re the one who’s cheating me! How can you be like this? I’ve been wondering. The two of you live together as a couple, but why are you such different people!”
Dong Shanshan: “…”
Zhang Ye smiled. “Bro, please accept these crutches!”
Yao Jiancai said gratefully, “My old bro, this must be fate!”
…
The audience cramped up with laughter again!
“Hahahahaha!”
“Old Yao is such a fool!”
“Zhang Ye is too damn immoral!”
“It tickled me for sure!”
“Aiyo, I need to catch my breath!”
“I’ve never watched such a funny skit before!”
…
The skit was nearing the end.
With the conclusion, it brought the skit to a wonderful close!
Zhang Ye pushed along the bicycle that he had earned and said to his wife, “What are you still looking at? Don’t tell me you’re feeling bad? Come, let’s go elsewhere!”
Dong Shanshan said, “Where are we going?”
Zhang Ye kicked up the bicycle stand and gave a smile. “Let’s find someone with a bad leg and sell this bicycle to them!”
The skit ended!
At this moment, the entire venue was seething with excitement!
The Chinese people around the world were overflowing with excitement!
Thunderous applause erupted!
Applause!
Screams!
Cheers!
It went on for a long time!
…
Watching TV.
Tang Dazhang’s face had turned green with anger!
How was that possible!
How could that be possible?!
He had pulled it off!
Zhang Ye had actually pulled off this finale act!
Quite a lot of people from the crosstalk world who were waiting to see Zhang Ye make a joke of himself were silenced!
…
At Zhang Ye’s maternal grandma’s house.
His three younger sisters had gone hoarse from all their shouting!
“That was awesome!”
“Our brother is so awesome!”
“This skit is perfect! It’s so good!”
…
At Director Li Ke’s house.
“That was really a good performance!”
“The skit’s script was even better!”
“Those three are such a good match!”
“Yeah, they have so much chemistry together. This skit is simply godly!”
…
On Weibo.
“The trump card!”
“Yeah, so they actually did leave the trump card for the finale!”
“I had thought that the crosstalks and skits before this were very godly. I was wondering how Zhang Ye would end things off, but I never expected this at all! Nothing else fucking comes close to this!”
“This is the funniest skit I’ve ever seen!”
“Agreed!”
“I laughed from the start until the end!”
“Me too, my stomach hurts from all that laughing!”
“It was amazing!”
“Yup, it was fantastic!”
“It was so good that I cried!”
“It was unbelievably good!”
“Zhang Ye really brought out all of his tricks for this year’s Spring Festival Gala!”
“This is what you fucking call a skit! This is what a fucking Spring Festival Gala should be like!”
At this moment, all of the TV viewers saw a momentary illusion!
—The Spring Festival Gala has returned!
The enchanting Spring Festival Gala from the yesteryears had finally made its comeback after all these years!