Regardless, Lucinda seemed happy with him, and that was all that mattered to me. The stay was short, and it was awkward with Jaxon giving him death glares every chance he got, but we ate good food, enjoyed our small presents, and took tons of photos as a family. It really struck me right then and there just how much these two people meant to me. Lucinda had taken me in with open arms as a child, and she had been my mother in every way my own mom wasn’t. I dreaded to think what life would have been like without her.
But the change had occurred toward the end of that Christmas break before our way back from Gosnells. After a laid back week catching up with Lucinda, she had drilled into me the need for independency. She’d said things that altered my perception, and I believed she did it out of love.
“I know how close you and Jaxon are, Sara,” she’d said when we were alone one evening. “I’ve been there with Jaxon’s father.” Lucinda never talked about Jaxon’s father, so this got my attention. “We were very much in love, but I was dependent on him, and when he unexpectedly left me, I had to start from scratch. I was four months pregnant with Jaxon with no plans, no education, nothing under my belt to carry me through. It was hard. I trusted him, and he used to tell me how much I was his everything. For him to go against everything I believed in, it was a shock and a heart break that I would do anything to prevent you from ever experiencing.
“I love Jaxon with every fibre of my being, but he’s going to make mistakes, and I don’t want him to have the power to hurt you like his father hurt me. You need to take care of yourself. You’re young and you’re learning, and that combination in a relationship can be toxic. Look after yourself first and foremost, and listen to your head more than your heart.”
Listen to my head more than my heart? I slept on that thought nestled in Jaxon’s arms. It kept me up most of the night. I wished I knew what happened between Lucinda and Jaxon’s father. What would have caused someone in a loving relationship to just up and go? That would never happen to Jaxon and me. He was so deeply in love with me, wanted me every moment I was around him, it was impossible he would follow in his father’s footsteps. Right?
I fought tears when I realized I was exactly in the same position as his mother. Vulnerable of heart ache, I’d willingly given Jaxon my heart without even thinking of what it might cost me. Stupid, foolish girl! How could I be so naïve? She was right. I was going down the same road she did allowing someone else the complete control of my affections. I couldn’t be that way anymore. I had to preserve a piece of myself in case he did hurt me.
Right before we left, Lucinda gave me a hug that lingered longer than usual. It was as if to say, ‘In case I don’t see you again, I love you.’ But of course I would see her again. This shift in her pulled on my heart strings and had me gulping back a sob. What was her problem?
Jaxon, oblivious to our chat and to this change in behaviour, gave her a hug, glared at Mark one last time, and jumped into his seat, holding my hand after he started the car and began our journey back to Winthrop. He was a bright star, raining his shine down on my mood and lifting me up to his level, making me forget the sad goodbye Lucinda had given me.
In hindsight, now that I look back on it, that ride home was the start of our tumultuous relationship. It literally began when I opened my mouth and declared, “So I’ve been thinking, I get a few nights a week free, and I want to put them to good use. Figured it would be time well spent if I landed a job and started making my own money.”
I looked over at Jaxon and studied his expression. His eyebrows scrunched together in thought, and then he leaned over and turned off the radio. “Can I ask why, babe?” I couldn’t decipher his mood in that monotone voice of his.
I shrugged. “Well, for one, I think it’ll be good to bring in some more income.”
“Is there something you want in particular that you think I can’t afford to get you? I promise, Tiny, whatever it is, I’m sure I can get it.”
I shook my head. “No, Jaxon, there’s nothing I want.”
Now he was confused. “We’re doing really well. We’re not struggling financially. My job makes fuck all, but I swear, Sara, I’ve got a lot stashed away from… Well, you know what from. So don’t sweat it.”
I sighed. This was his way of dropping the subject and getting his way. An unjustifiable anger bubbled in my chest at his nonchalant demeanour. “Jaxon,” I started again, trying to rid the edge in my tone, “I want to get a job for myself. When I said money, I meant that was a perk – you know, getting more income into the bank. But it’s really about me branching off and paving my own way.”
“Branching off?” He tore his eyes off the road and at me. I saw his eyes widen and a note of panic flicker.
“Not like that,” I hastily said, squeezing his hand tight. “I love you more than anything, you know that. What I mean is, I want to contribute and earn my own money and be a little independent.”
He let go of my hand and raked it through his hair. He was looking more and more uncomfortable by the second, returning his conflicted gaze to the road.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I demanded, irritated by his silence.
“Give me a second,” he muttered, moving into the emergency lane on the side of the busy road.
“You’re seriously stopping the car?” I rolled my eyes. “Fuck’s sake, Jaxon, I should have just waited until we were home to bring this shit up.”
He ignored my irrationally rude comment and turned the car off.
“Are you gonna talk or what?” I exploded, throwing my hands up in the air.
Jaxon, bless his heart, ignored that as well. He turned to me, licking his lips like he did when he was heavy in thought, and said, “I know you love me, but I get scared sometimes that this is too good to be true.” I rolled my eyes again. “You’re my world, Sara. You always were the most central part of my life.” Fuck’s sake, just tell me why you’re upset! I screamed internally.
He sighed and grabbed my hand. As if reading my mind, he said, “The reason I’m upset is because I feel like we don’t spend enough time together as it is. I work five days a week from eight til five, and I’m not complaining about that, but the days are long and I get tired, dirty and sweaty as fuck. The guys are great, don’t get me wrong, and the owner loves me, so there’s no pressure there, but all fucking day I count down the minutes until I get to see you. And even when I do come home, sometimes you’re still at school, and other times you’re out with Lexi. Again, I’m not complaining, but I value our time together more than anything.