“Oh, I want,” she says firmly. She blows a kiss to the baby and we make our way back to Mila’s room.
“We’ll be back tomorrow, Sis.” Maddy kisses Mila on the cheek. “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” she adds sternly. Mila smiles the gentle tired smile of a new mom, promising that she won’t. Not ever.
And with that, we duck from the room.
As we drive home, I pick up Madison’s hand.
“Are you OK?” I ask her solemnly. “That was intense.”
She stares at me.
“That was intense,” she agrees. ”I thought I was going to have a heart attack. First there was all that blood, and then Mila passed out. I didn’t know what to do. She died, Gabe. I still can’t believe it. But having you there in that waiting room with me… you make everything all right, Gabe.”
I feel choked up by her words, by the strength with which she handles everything in life. By the trust she puts in me.
As I put the car in park in the driveway, I kiss her forehead.
“I’m proud of you,” I tell her quietly. “Really. You think I’m the strongest person you know, but really, it’s you. You’re stronger than all of us.”
She rolls her eyes, but falls silent as we go inside.
We eat dinner in thoughtful silence, then sit for a little while in the living room, still quiet as Maddy lies on my lap. “We should go over to Pax and Mila’s house and clean up all that blood,” she tells me. “I know Pax will be staying with Mila tonight.”
I nod.
“We will. But we’ll do it tomorrow. You’re tired tonight.”
She nods and she’s shivering from cold and from the shock of what happened, so I suggest a hot shower. She stays in there for half an hour.
When she finally comes out, I hold out a towel for her and envelop her in it, pulling her into my arms as I dry her off.
She still doesn’t say anything and is even quieter after we collapse into bed.
“What is it?” I finally ask her, because the silence is killing me.
She sighs in the dark.
“It’s just that I know how fast everything can end. My parents were gone in an instant and tonight it seemed like Mila could slip away too. And in that one instant, my heart would be broken forever, I know that—because I’ve been through it before. Hearts are so fragile, Gabe.”
She pauses as she stares at me. I’m not sure what she’s wanting me to say. But she doesn’t give me a chance to reply at all before she continues.
“It reminded me of how fast I could lose you. Anything can happen and it scares the shit out of me. It scares me that you have that power over me.”
She stops talking and stares at me. Her hands are shaking and I pick one up.
“Maddy, you have that same power over me. It’s called loving someone. And yeah, it’s scary as hell. I hate knowing that loving you makes me weak… but it makes me strong too. Loving you makes me happy in a way that nothing else ever has, and that’s healthy, Madison. That’s healthier than anything else in the world. It heals a lot of shit. It’s even healing me and I’m fucked up. So before you over-think it and decide that loving me isn’t worth the fear of losing me, just remember how happy you are when we’re together. Fear is a choice, Maddy. But so is being happy.”
“I know,” she admits quietly. “My head knows that. But my heart is scared because it knows that in a moment you could be gone. Everyone always seems to leave me, Gabe. My parents, Tony. Mila almost did. And if you leave… if you leave nothing will ever be OK again.”
Her voice breaks and she cries, softly in the night, and it clenches my stomach into knots.
“Maddy, I know why you’re scared. Anyone would be in your shoes. You’ve seen too much loss. But death is part of life and the fear of it can’t stop us from living. That’s something I learned in Afghanistan. Being ruled by fear is worse than never living at all. We’re going to be fine, Maddy. You’re not going to lose me, not until we’re old and gray and tired. I love you.”
She is quiet and still as she huddles against me, her slender hands holding tight to mine.
“Then let’s make this work, no matter what. Promise me, Gabe. I know there’s shit to work through. But we can do it. Because all that really matters is you and me.”
Her voice is thin and anxious and I run my hands along her face, dropping them to stroke her shoulder. She trembles beneath my fingers and I hug her close. I know how much it took for her to say that, for her to commit to trying something long-term with me. It just confirms everything I’ve always known about her.
The girl has balls.
“Madison, everything is going to be fine,” I tell her firmly. “Now that I’m back, you’re stuck with me. I’m never going to leave you. Please don’t worry. There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore.”
I can feel her smile against my chest. And then she burrows even more tightly into me. I rest my hands on her side and stare down at her in the dark.
She sniffs. “The only thing I’m afraid of is losing you.”
“That’s not going to happen,” I answer her firmly, ignoring the ache in my chest at her words. “That’s never going to happen.”
I hold her until she goes to sleep, then I continue to hold her as long as I dare stay in the bed. When I finally know that I can’t hold my eyes open anymore, I carefully slip away to the chair.
The chair is cold and it seems like a thousand miles away from Maddy, but I’m still here with her. That’s the important thing.
I close my eyes.