“Let me see the bruise.”
Her words are stark, stilted.
I untie the scarf and let it fall to the floor. Mila gasps, horrified at Gabriel’s purple handprint on my neck.
“Oh my God,” she breathes. I nod.
“He wasn’t even awake. He didn’t mean to.”
Mila stares at me doubtfully. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” I snap. “I’m not an idiot. He was asleep. His night terrors are so real that he can’t even tell what’s real and what’s not. He thought I was someone else. He was completely wrecked by it, Mi. And now he’s gone. He wanted to protect me, so he left.”
I’m crying now and Mila reaches over to wrap her skinny arms around me.
“It’s OK,” she soothes me. “Shhhh. Go ahead and cry. It’s OK. It’s all going to be OK.” She pats my back and I cry and cry and cry.
When I’m done she hands me a Kleenex.
“He didn’t mean to do it,” I repeat for good measure, staring her in the eye. She nods slowly, her face expressionless.
“I don’t doubt that,” she says slowly. “I can see that about him. But that doesn’t change the fact that he did do it, Maddy. He needs some help. And if he wasn’t going to get that help, then maybe it’s best that he left.”
My eyes burn, but I don’t cry again.
“You don’t understand,” I mumble. “He thinks he’s un-helpable.”
She nods again, solemnly. “I’m sure he does. I remember that Pax was the same way. And what did you tell me?”
I turn my face, refusing to answer even though I remember very well what I said.
“What did you tell me?” Mila repeats firmly.
“I told you that he had to get help on his own, that you couldn’t fix him.” My voice is sullen because it seemed so very different when I was dishing out that advice rather than receiving it.
“And you were right,” she tells me gently. “And I’m right now when I tell you the same thing.”
“But he didn’t leave to get help,” I tell her limply. “He left for good, to protect me.”
Mila looks pained, her hand fluttering around to pat my back again. “I know. But maybe it will all work out and maybe he’ll be back. Someday. And everything will be fine. Trust me, when Pax left, I didn’t think he’d ever come back. But he did.”
I shake my head, changing the subject. I just can’t talk about it anymore. Not if I don’t want to break down again.
“I’m sorry, Mila,” I tell her tiredly. “I don’t mean to bring you down. You’ve got enough on your plate being stuck in bed. I really just came out here to help with the baby’s room. It needs to be organized and I doubt Pax will know what to do with it.”
Mila nods, eyeing me carefully. “Well, that part’s right. Pax has no clue what to do with the baby things. But don’t think you can’t talk to me, Mad. Trust me, I know how you’re feeling right now. If you need to talk again, I’m here.”
“Thank you,” I tell her softly, as I bend and kiss her cheek before I head out the door.
“Don’t give up, Maddy,” she calls after me. “I mean it!
I don’t answer. I just walk down the hall to the baby’s room and open the door.
A flood of sunshiny yellow greets me as light from the windows hits the yellow walls. Pax hired a painter to come in and paint it yellow, per Mila’s request. Since they don’t want to know the sex of the baby, they had to be gender-neutral. And Mila loves the sun.
Fuck the sun. I hate the sun today.
I look around at the unopened boxes, at the baby monitors, the stacks of clothing with the tags still on, the stroller still in the box. Pax has ordered all the right supplies, he just has no idea what to do with it all.
Which is why I’m here. Hopefully it will keep my mind off my own pain.
I get to work. I put together the changing table in a logical place in the room, next to the mahogany crib. I line up all the little baby care things on the shelf next to it: the powder, the lotion, the nail clippers.
I hang the mobile over the bed, adjusting the colorful kites so that they’re the right height. I put sheets on the crib mattress. I set up the baby monitor. I fluff the pillows on the rocking chair.
And then I sit in it and fold the tiny baby clothes so I can put them away.
As I stare at the tiny little undershirt in my hands, at the way it’s hardly bigger than my hand, my vision blurs as tears fill my eyes.
I won’t have this… not for a long time. Maybe not ever.
Gabe left me and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone else… so a family, a baby, a husband… a happy life… it’s out of my grasp.
I close my eyes and just let myself cry again, quietly in the sun… the sun that refuses to leave me alone.
I don’t know how long I cry. All I know is that finally I don’t have any tears left. I’m totally spent. My throat feels scratchy and hoarse and my eyes are hot.
I can’t cry anymore. It’s all gone.
I open my eyes to find Pax sitting across the room on the delicate white love seat.
“What the…” I’m startled. “How long have you been here?”
He stares at me, his hazel eyes troubled. “Long enough. Tell me where he is. I’m going to beat his ass.”
I shake my head, staring at my hands.
“Not you too. Mila already threatened that. Not that she’s actually a threat. He didn’t mean to hurt me, Pax. He was asleep. Like I explained to Mila, he has PTSD. He honestly didn’t know what he was doing.”
Pax shakes his head. “That’s not what I’m beating his ass for. I believe that he didn’t mean to hurt you. He’s not that kind of guy. I can tell. What I’m going to beat his ass for is leaving you like this. It’s a dick thing to do.”
My eyes well up again, even though I thought my tears were all gone.
One drips down my nose and onto my hand.
“I wish I’d never met him at all,” I confess painfully. “I wish he had never come here. Then I wouldn’t feel like this right now. I wouldn’t feel like someone yanked my guts out and put them back in all the wrong places.”
Pax stares at me, then crosses the room, kneeling next to me with his hand on my back.
“You don’t mean that,” he says gently. “You were closed off before. I don’t know shit about women, but even I could see that. This is horrible, I know. But at least you’re feeling something. You know?”
I stare at him incredulously. “Seriously, Pax? I would rather feel nothing at all than like this.”
He nods. “I know. I’m sorry that I’m not good with this stuff. All I can tell you is that you should just concentrate on yourself right now. I’m pulling the funding for DefenseTech, so you won’t even have to hear his name. Just focus on yourself. Gabe’s got shit to take care of and it’s not your fault.”
“I know,” I tell him. “I know it’s not my fault. And you know what? You’re right. Instead of focusing on him, I’m going to concentrate on working on myself. Lord knows there’s a lot of work to be done.”
Pax smiles slowly. “Well, there’s not that much to do. You’re pretty great, Mad. He has no idea what he gave up.”
My eyes tear up again. “I don’t want to think about him anymore,” I whisper. “It’s too hard.”
Pax nods. “I know. I’m so sorry, Maddy. I honestly can’t imagine what happened. Gabe’s a stand-up guy. Trust me, I know assholes and he’s not one. I hope that he can get his shit straightened out.”
I nod silently. “That’s not really my problem now,” I finally answer.
“Whatever you say,” Pax replies as he stands up. “I just want to see you happy, Madison. You really do deserve it. You’ve taken care of Mila for so long and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. But that’s my job now and you need to take care of you.”
“Thanks, Pax. Really. I mean it. I do love you, you know. I know you don’t like talking about mushy shit like this, so thank you.”
He grins. “Anytime. My advice isn’t always good, but it’s free.” At my quick look he adds, “But in this case it’s good.”
I roll my eyes as I stand up.
“I think I’ll run to the restaurant while Mila naps. I’ll be back with dinner.”
Pax holds out a fist for me to bump. “Awesome. Mila will thank you. She’s getting pretty damn tired of scrambled eggs, which is the only thing I can cook.”
I bump his fist limply and shake my head.
“It’s a good thing you’re pretty,” I tell him on my way out the door. I can hear him chuckling as I leave.
I don’t feel like joking. I honestly don’t. But maybe if I pretend that everything is normal, that everything is OK… maybe it will be.
Chapter Twenty
Gabriel
Fuck you, Gabe.
I stare at my phone, at the last words from Maddy.
My gut clenches with every word, more and more, over and over.
Fuck you, Gabe.
What the fuck did I do?
For two days I’ve been asking myself that question. And for two days I haven’t had a good answer. The only thing I know is that I can’t hurt Madison again and this was the only way I knew to protect her.
But God. God, it fucking sucks. All I want to do is pick up the phone and call her, to check on her… to explain.
You’re a fucking pussy.
Because I can’t. If I do, if I hear her voice, I might be tempted to forget all my misgivings and fears about hurting her and rush back to her. Not that she’d likely take me back at this point.
Fuck you, Gabe.
How I got myself into this situation, into a place where I love someone even though I know I can’t have her… it’s all my fault. I knew going in that I can’t ever be with anyone. That I’m not whole. That I’m not normal.
That I’m a monster.
That I’m the bad thing.
I knew all of this. And I chased her anyway… because I had to fuck her, I had to harness the storm that I knew she would be.
And now I love her and everything is fucked up.
I have no one to blame but myself.
With a sigh I return my attention to this fucking interview.
Brand set up some second interviews for an assistant, one who would be based here in Denver since this is where the factory will be. He did the first interviews, so I have to do the second ones. It’s only fair.
But I overslept this morning and so I had to meet this morning’s candidate in my hotel room, rather than the café on the main floor.
As she talks to me, her words run together, her voice fades to the background, and I don’t really give a flying fuck what she’s talking about. My thoughts are in Angel Bay with a gorgeous blonde.
“So, that’s about it,” the girl, Alex, finishes up, smiling at me. “And I’m available to start immediately.”