“God…I love you,” she moaned into my neck, and my body froze. I had been wrong. I wasn’t the one in control. Emma owned me with those three little words.
“You love me?” I asked, but she lay frozen on top of me, her face buried in my neck.
“Look at me.” My voice shook as I prepared to look her in the eye. I needed to see the truth, to know that she felt what I did inside.
Her head slowly turned, and her sad, frightened eyes locked on to mine. There was more there behind the pain and the hurting, and it was undeniable. I slowly raised my hips, sliding deep inside of her. Her body began to move with mine, and we kept focused on each other as her body tightened around me, begging me to come with her. I filled her as she moaned, giving in to her own pleasure. In that moment, I became hers. I knew I would never be able to think of anyone else. As her body stopped trembling, she slid off me and curled up on her side, facing away from me.
I rolled onto my side, wrapping my arms around her from behind and pulling her against my chest. I trailed kisses down over her shoulder, and her body shook under my lips. I knew she was crying, and I didn’t know what to do. She had just professed her love for me, and now she was sobbing silently as I held her in my arms.
I cradled Emma until her body stilled and her breathing evened out and eventually deepened.
Chapter Twenty
I awoke at the crack of dawn, my body tangled with Emma’s. She looked peaceful, no hint of the inner turmoil she had when she had fallen asleep. I unwrapped myself from her and made my way to the kitchen. I prepared a fresh pot of coffee as I leaned over the counter, fisting my hands in my hair as I thought over my nightmare from the previous night.
I was in a crowded club and watching Emma in the middle of the dance floor with another guy. He kept touching her, and I begged her to stop, but she ignored my pleas. My head began to throb as I struggled to remember what had happened next. It was a blur of anger and desperation as I watched myself cut the brake line to the guy’s car.
A sound from behind me caught my attention, and I spun around to see Emma sitting at the island. I had not heard her come out of the room.
“Sorry.” She tucked her hair behind her ear as she looked over at me. I rolled my neck from side to side, stretching it as I tried to block the thought of another man’s hands on her. I didn’t know if it was a memory or just a fear. I grabbed the pot of coffee and filled our mugs, placing one in front of her. I grabbed the milk from the fridge and waited for her to dump sugar into her cup before I topped it off with a splash of milk.
She watched me spin the sugar container in my hand, and I caught the faint memory of her reaching for it. Next, I was inside of her, taking her from behind. My gaze fell to her while she was deep in thought. Her eyes slowly rose to meet mine, and her cheeks flushed as the incident crossed her mind. Mine. My eyes narrowed.
“Do you… remember anything new?” she asked as I searched her eyes, the nagging feeling that I wasn’t the only one who had secrets in this relationship.
“I wish I did.” My gaze fell to the sugar. I let it go and grabbed my mug, taking a sip.
“Hungry?” I asked as I made my way to the fridge and began to pull out ingredients for breakfast.
“I think I’ll skip breakfast,” she sighed. I began to crack eggs into a bowl, adding a splash of milk and a few spices. My mind wandered as I struggled to see through the fog of my memories. I cut up some cheeses and meats as I waited for my frying pan to heat up on the stove. She didn’t speak as I prepared our meal, but I could feel her eyes on me as I worked.
His face—I could see the face of the guy she danced with. But it wasn’t in the club that I was face to face with him. It was an apartment, and he and Emma were in the bedroom. My gut twisted, and I could feel myself slipping away to the monster that lurked just below the surface.
I turned from the stove and placed a plate of food in front of her.
“I don’t think I can.” She placed a hand over her stomach as I took the seat next to her and began to cut up my food.
“You need to eat something.” I put a bite of omelet in my mouth as she watched me, and my eyes met hers.
“I’m fine, really.” She smiled.
“Eat.” I tried to hide the twinge of frustration from my voice, but I was becoming less patient. I knew I hadn’t been a saint, but if Emma were aware of what type of person I was, why would she have pushed my buttons?
She picked up her fork with a bite of egg and blew on it before sticking it in her mouth. “Thanks.” She smiled, and I returned the gesture, pleased that she was listening to me. Good girl.
I finished eating my food in silence as I tried to push the few memories that had surfaced from my mind. I grabbed out plates and started to make my way to the sink to clean the dishes. Emma’s hand grabbed my wrist. “Why don’t you let me get that?” She pushed to her feet and took the plates from my hands.
I followed her to the sink and wrapped my arms around her waist as she scrubbed them clean.
“William…” her voice trailed off.
“Shh…” I whispered against her neck, tasting the salt of her flesh as the memory of having her bent over the counter and f**king her replayed in my mind.
“I don’t think we should do this.” I could hear the uncertainty in her voice.
“Don’t think.” My hand slid over her belly and into the top of her panties. I needed to hear her say those words again. I needed to know that my own mind was betraying me and that Emma was mine—no one else’s.
“I can’t.” her words knocked the air from my lungs, and I stilled my hand before pulling away from her completely. I ran my hands roughly through my hair, struggling not to scream. Maybe having her here was just more of the torture. I was stuck in purgatory. She turned to face me, and I struggled to hold on to my last thread of sanity.
“What’s the problem?” I reached out for her, but she pressed her back against the edge of the sink. It was a slap in the face.
“You don’t remember…you don’t…” Tears filled her eyes as she swallowed against the lump in her throat.
I stepped closer to her and rubbed the back of my fingers over her cheek. Beautiful, broken girl. I didn’t know if she wanted me to remember what I had done to her or if she wanted me to forget the things she had done to me. I was willing to block it all out just to keep her in my arms.
“It doesn’t matter. Whatever happened doesn’t matter now. We are here. We both want to be with each other. Why fight it?” I ran my thumb over the corner of her eye to catch a tear that threatened to fall, and her eyes closed.
“I may not know what I did to hurt you so badly, but I know that we once loved each other. I know you still love me or you wouldn’t be here right now.” I swallowed hard as I struggled to continue. “I know it hurts you to be with me, but you are willing to suffer through the pain to be by my side.” I moved closer until my body pressed tight against hers. “I know I love you too. I can feel it.”
I took her hand in mine and held it against my bare chest so she could feel how frantic my heart was when I was with her. “Give me a chance to make this right. I will do anything to make this right.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks as she pushed her lips against mine. My free hand snaked in her hair and pulled her against me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered against her mouth. “Start over with me. We can make new memories. I’ll be whoever you need me to be.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and held me to her as my lips moved possessively against hers, claiming her.
Chapter Twenty-one
I decided to let Emma determine the pace of the new chapter of our relationship and make good on the promise I made to her this morning. We started by going out on a real date to the movies. She picked a romantic comedy, and I suffered through it as I watched her laugh and smile at the screen. I held her hand as she got lost in the make-believe story. I pictured her in the movie store as she picked up a movie just like this and how I f**ked her from behind as I bent her over the couch that evening. I smiled as I thought of how different that date night had been.
After the movie, we went out to dinner at The Garden. It was nearly empty, but Emma was still nervous we would run into someone from our past. I thought of Angela and Allison, not even sure of what they looked like. The guy I had flashes of with Emma crossed my mind, and I struggled to push him from my thoughts. I comforted her and let her know that none of it mattered. The past was just that. It was another life for us, and we were starting a new one. One with no one to stand in the way of us being together.
I glanced over the menu, deciding what I wanted to eat, when Emma’s grip on my hand tightened. I looked up at her, worry marring her perfect face.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.” She smiled weakly and looked down at her menu.
I fought back my mild frustration at having to ask her twice.
“Please, just tell me what is bothering you so I can make it right.” I was sick of not knowing anything. The memories were barely a flicker in the back of my mind. It made me feel out of control.
“Hey, Professor Honor.” A cheery voice called from behind me. Emma pulled her hand from mine as I glanced up at the woman. I nodded and smiled at her, and she continued past our table.
“Who was that?” she asked as she leaned in closer.
“I have no idea.” I raised an eyebrow as I watched her relax and let out a laugh.
“She’s probably one of your students.”
“I’m a teacher?” That only made sense with my need for control.
“A professor at Kippling College.”
“You were one of my…” I let my voice trail off as I studied Emma’s face. The memory of having her bent over a desk came to mind, and my dick became hard at the memory. She was so innocent and eager.
We didn’t have any other interruptions at dinner, but Emma didn’t touch me for the rest of the meal, and it bothered me that we had to be so cautious in public. It made me worry that she was ashamed of our relationship. If she was so worried, why the f**k did she drag me out to do this? I swallowed my doubt and refused to let that side of my thinking take over.
As we left I offered to drive us home, but Emma refused. She blamed my memory, but I was sure the accident had something to do with her hesitation.
“You don’t even know how to get home!” she laughed, and I struggled not to let her comment offend me.
“Two lefts and straight through to Riverton Street.”
Her expression turned serious as her eyes searched mine.
“Me?” She sounded so small, so fragile. I shook my head as I looked down at the ground. The few memories that had come back to me were less than pleasant. She sighed as I opened the passenger side door and slid into the car. She joined me, cranking the radio as the car revved to life and we pulled out into traffic.
My phone rang and vibrated against my thigh. I pulled it from my pocket and glanced at the screen before sliding it back in my pocket. Fuck.
“Who was that?” The jealousy was evident in her voice.
“I don’t know.” I stared out the passenger window as she pulled over onto the shoulder of the road and slammed the car into park. .
“You knew enough not to answer it. Who was it?”
“Someone named Allison.” I cringed as I said her name. Emma clutched at her stomach as if I had hit her.
“You… remember her?”
There it was, the pain that I had promised to not cause her. It was my past forcing itself back into our lives. I thought of my threat to Allison about forgetting I existed. I wanted to make her regret her decision not to, and in that moment, the other face from the pictures became clear. Abby didn’t take my threats to stay away from me seriously either. The truth sat on my chest like a ton of bricks. My memory wasn’t gone because of an accident or because it was too painful to face. I had a break; I snapped when I nearly killed Emma.
“No. She called while you were gone. I had no idea who she was…at first.” The lies tumbled from my lips. I reached for her hand, but she recoiled from my touch. “I don’t remember her. I only have what she said to go by.”
She turned back to the steering wheel and laid her head against it. I wanted to scream. We had agreed to move on from what had happened. I felt alone and didn’t think Emma would ever talk to me again. What was I supposed to do? I needed to have some answers. I was losing my f**king mind, and the one person I had, refused to come near me.
“Please,” I said through clenched teeth. She didn’t look at me as she put the car in drive and pulled back onto the road. She was speeding and driving out of control. I fought the urge to say something to her. All I could think about was disciplining her. The urge to teach her a lesson and take control was overwhelming. She was throwing a tantrum, and she was being careless with her own life. I swallowed down my desires. I promised her I was different. I wouldn’t let history repeat itself, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t fantasize about how good it would feel.
When we reached my place, she put the car in park and got out, slamming the door angrily. She took the steps two at a time as I slowly exited the car and ran my hand angrily through my hair. She opened the door and was inside the apartment as I started up the steps.
As I reached the top, I stepped inside, my eyes scanning hers. My phone rang in my pocket, and Emma’s eyes narrowed before the same anger I was forcing myself to suppress showed on her face.
She shoved against my chest hard. My back hit the wall next to the door, and she knocked it closed. Her hands grabbed my belt, and she pulled against it, struggling to undo the buckle. I’d seen that look in her eye many times in my own reflection.