TINY:
Just means there’s more of me to love!
WILL:
But that requires so much more effort.
TINY:
Darling, I’m worth it.
Tiny gestures to a bench that has mysteriously appeared onstage. (Okay, maybe the audience will see that it’s brought onto the stage at this moment. That’s okay.) Tiny gestures for them to sit. They do.
TINY:
So tell Tiny your problems.
WILL:
Can Tiny talk normal?
TINY (in his best Anderson Cooper voice):
Yes, he can. But it’s not nearly as fun when he does it.
WILL:
You just sound so gay.
TINY:
Um . . . there’s a reason for that?
WILL:
Yeah, but. I dunno. I don’t like gay people.
TINY:
But surely you must like yourself?
WILL (incredulous):
Why should I like myself? Nobody else does.
TINY:
I do.
WILL:
You don’t know me at all.
TINY:
But I want to.
WILL (freaking out):
Shut up! Just shut up!
Tiny looks hurt. Which is a very understandable reaction to such an outburst.
WILL:
No, it’s not you. Okay? You’re nice. I’m not. I’m not nice, okay? Stop it!
Now Tiny is sad for Will. Because Will honestly believes this.
WILL:
This is SO STUPID.
Will clutches at his head while he cries this out, like he feels he is going completely out of his mind. For once in his life, Tiny is the steady one. He just watches Will, waits. And the longer he watches, the more he cares. When Will finally lifts his head and stops being angry at himself, they hang in a strange, intimate moment.
TINY:
I never kiss on the first date.
Will looks at him with total incomprehension.
TINY:
But sometimes I make exceptions.
It’s as if gravity conspires to push them toward each other. They kiss, eyes closed. When they’re done, Tiny looks happy and Will looks scared.
TINY:
This is not where I thought the night was going.
WILL:
Tell me about it. (His tone softens.) But . . . I’m glad that you exist.
TINY:
I’m glad to be existing right now.
WILL:
You have no idea how wrong you are about me.
TINY:
You have no idea how wrong you are about yourself.
WILL:
Stop that.
TINY:
Only if you stop it.
WILL:
I’m warning you.
TINY
(standing from the bench, ending the scene, and addressing the audience):
Of course, when a boy gives you a warning, you should listen to it. Not because he’s necessarily right. But because he genuinely thinks he is. And most of the time, that’s more important.
Will leaves the stage. Phil and Djane enter, and Tiny flags them down.
TINY:
Guys! I’ve got so much to tell you!
ACT II, SCENE 10
Tiny is very, very excited about Will. As a result, he babbles uncontrollably to Phil and Djane. “DRUNK ON LOVE” is their take on this situation—and a resolution to the unbearable sexual tension between them that their friends have been enduring for weeks. Tiny should basically be talking the whole time, with his voice fading out as Phil and Djane sing. When he talks, he should sound very, very drunk. In parts where he doesn’t want to talk, he can also do a happy This Fella’s in Love dance. He should seem completely intoxicated by this new relationship—soon to be the most serious one he’s ever had.
[“DRUNK ON LOVE”]
TINY (spoken drunkenly):
So I’m sorry I didn’t go back to Frenchy’s to meet you, but I figured you’d guess I just took a cab, which I did, and anyway, Will and I had walked all the way down to the Bean and, like, Wrayson, I know I’ve said this before but I really like him. I mean, you have to really like someone to go all the way to the Bean with him and listen to him talk about his major major problems and also I sang for him . . .
DJANE (sung to PHIL):
Oh my God, who would’ve thunk?
PHIL (sung back):
Our dear friend Tiny is drunk . . . on love.
DJANE:
Get the Breathalyzer
and cue the synthesizer!
Our dear friend Tiny is drunk . . . on love.
TINY:
And I get texts from him like every forty-two seconds and he’s a brilliant texter, which is nice because it’s just a little pleasant leg vibration, just a reminder-in-the-thigh that he’s—see, there’s one. (checks phone) Aww.
PHIL:
It looks like our pal is out of his funk.
DJANE:
Tiny Cooper, drunk . . . on love.
PHIL:
His spirits are higher
than those of a frequent flier.
Tiny Cooper, drunk . . . on love
TINY:
It’s been eight days since I met him, and I haven’t technically liked someone who liked me back for eight days in my entire life, unless you count my relationship with Bethany Keene in third grade, which obviously you can’t, since she’s a girl.
PHIL:
Good ol’ Bacchus
needs in on this fracas.
DJANE:
Aphrodite’s throwing a fest
and Tiny’s the honored guest.
PHIL:
Look at him frolic.
Look at him skip.
It makes me wonder
if we should sip.
The music abruptly stops. Tiny stops. Djane stares. Did Phil really just do what she thinks he just did?
DJANE (spoken):
Did you really just do what I think you just did?