You’re remarkable!
But I can’t stay with you just because you want
me to!
TINY (spoken):
This means no more kissing, right?
Jimmy leans in to kiss Tiny. But this time it’s on the cheek.
JIMMY:
You’re marvelous!
I don’t expect you’ll understand!
You’re delectable!
I know you’ll find another man!
And that other man can be
as wonderful to you
as you are to me!
Only he’ll feel the same
and it won’t be as lame
as me saying:
You’re wonderful!
But I can’t date you!
Jimmy exits.
TINY:
But I don’t want anyone else! (to audience) Or at least I thought I didn’t want anyone else. Then a few days passed. The Jimmy-sized hole in my life got smaller and smaller until I didn’t even feel it anymore.
I swore I would never date an actor again. Then I realized, um, I am an actor, so I had to hope that some other guy out there wasn’t swearing he’d never date an actor.
Mostly, I felt I had to widen the dating pool, because right now it was feeling pretty kiddie-sized. And even if I wasn’t quite ready to dive into the ocean of guys that was waiting for me after high school, I could at least find something of Olympic proportions.
Which is why I asked my parents to send me to drama camp.
I wanted my spring awakening, even if it was coming a season late. I wanted summer lovin’ that would happen so fast. I wanted to succeed at the business of love without really trying.
My mother sewed my name into all my underwear. But, really, it was another boy’s name I was ready to sew into my heart.
(looks down at clothes) I can’t possibly wear this to Camp Starstruck. I’ll be right back.
Tiny leaves the stage and changes into summer garb as Camp Starstruck is assembled on the stage in some manner by a variety of extremely enthusiastic musical-theater campers.
ACT II, SCENE 5
Tiny strides out in summer wear. When Joseph Templeton Oglethorpe the Third is mentioned, Ex-boyfriend #6 appears—he should be dressed as some character from some play. Use whatever garb is available, although Shakespearean dress would be pretty funny—this is yet another actor for Tiny to date.
The chorus should be Tiny’s fellow campers, each one more of a drama queen than the last. ’Cause that’s the way it is. (For further reference, please read E. Lockhart’s definitive tome on the subject, Dramarama.) Joseph sings along with the chorus, except for the chorus’s last line.
TINY:
(looking down at clothes) Much better, right?
Welcome to Camp Starstruck. Land of the misfit boys, and all the girls who love them. We put on eight musicals in eight weeks—one minute you’d be bloody, bloody Andrew Jackson, and then you’d blink and you’d be Daddy Warbucks or Porgy or Bess. The directors had all the power, and we worshipped and reviled them accordingly. The food wasn’t up to Oliver!’s standards, the heat was somewhere between Oklahoma! and 110 in the Shade, and the mattresses were more pea than princess.
But none of that really mattered. I had found my tribe. It felt like a family reunion for the family I’d never really known, a homecoming at the place where I was always meant to be but hadn’t known how to find.
The other campers have now finished setting up the camp, and Tiny’s ready to sing.
[“SUMMER OF GAY”]
TINY:
There was a time
when I thought I liked vagina—
but then came a summer
when I realized something finer . . .
JOSEPH appears.
I knew from the moment he took top bunk
how desperately I wanted into his trunk.
Joseph Templeton Oglethorpe the Third
left my heart singing like a little bird.
TINY AND CHORUS:
Summer of gay!
So lovely! So queer! Summer of gay—
TINY:
—set the tone for my year!
Mama and Papa didn’t know
they were lighting the lamp
the moment they sent me to
Starstruck Drama Camp.
So many Hamlets to choose from—
some tortured, some cute.
I was all ready to sword-fight
or take the Ophelia route.
There were boys who called me sister
and sistahs who taught me about boys.
Joseph whispered me sweet nothings—
Joseph whispers him sweet nothings.
—and I fed him Almond Joys.
Tiny feeds him Almond Joys.
TINY AND CHORUS:
Summer of gay!
So fruity! So whole!
Summer of gay—
TINY:
—I realized Angel would be my role!
Mama and Papa didn’t know
how well their money was spent
when I learned about love
from our production of Rent.
Tiny wraps his arms around Joseph.
Such kissing on the catwalks!
Such competition for the leads!
We fell in love so often and fully—
CHORUS:
—across all races and sexualities and creeds!
TINY AND CHORUS:
Summer of gay!
Ended soon! Lasted long!
Summer of gay—
TINY:
—my heart still carries its song!
Joseph leaves Tiny’s embrace, goes offstage. The tempo slows, in an “It turned colder” sort of way.
Joseph and I didn’t make it to September . . .
but you can’t unlight a gay-colored ember.
I will never go back
to the heterosexual way