I like Darren Criss and “Teenage Dream.”
TINY:
I like Liza in Berlin—
BRAD:
—and Rita on the West Side.
TINY:
I like Nemo with his dad—
BRAD:
—and Simba with his pride.
TINY (suddenly blurty):
I like all of these things,
it’s true.
But I also like
your body and
your smile,
your jacket
and your shoes,
your sweetness
and your jokes,
your style
and your smell.
In other words
what I guess I’m saying is
I like you.
Yes, you.
I really like you—
so much, too.
Yeah, it’s true,
I really, really like you.
I mean,
I really, really, really like you.
BRAD (spoken):
Oh. Um . . . oh. Thanks?
TINY (sung):
I like you I like you I like you
I like you!
I like you!
I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-ike you!
BRAD (spoken):
You really don’t have to do that.
TINY (getting really into it, not hearing Brad):
I liiiii-ike you.
Oh yes.
Oh really.
I like you so so so so much.
BRAD (spoken):
We’ve only known each other a month.
TINY (sung like “Tomorrow”):
I like you,
I like you,
I may love you,
But now I like you . . .
BRAD:
I can’t do this. I’m sorry, Tiny. But you’ve got to stop.
TINY (sobering now, more plaintive):
But I like you . . .
I really like you . . .
BRAD:
I’m going to go now.
TINY (spoken now):
But I like you.
BRAD:
I’m sorry. Really, I am. But I can’t be that. I can’t
do that. I really have to go now.
Brad exits the stage.
TINY (calling after him):
I like you!
This last one is the one that’s going to haunt him, the one that even he realizes is one too many, one too late. Brad isn’t ready, and Tiny isn’t ready for Brad not to be ready. So what might have been an amazing friendship gets dashed against the wall by romantic hopes. It’s weird to look at now, to see that although I felt we were the same, we really weren’t in the same place. I learned an important lesson: that just because a boy can recite the full tracklist to the [title of show] cast album, it doesn’t mean that he necessarily knows what the title of his own show is going to be.
Of course, this lesson didn’t come until much later. Right then, I didn’t feel taught. I felt tricked and trapped and traumatized.
Which makes it time to send in the Friend Brigade.
Phil Wrayson enters from the side where Brad just left. Dialogue below is spoken, not sung.
PHIL:
It’s okay. There are plenty of other boys out there. I’m sure you’ll like one of them, too.
TINY:
But I like him.
PHIL:
I’m sure there’s a better way to say this, but because that better way is just not occurring to me at the moment, I’m going to say it this way: He doesn’t like you back. Not the way you want him to.
TINY:
But that’s not fair!
PHIL:
I have absolutely no experience in this realm, but my gut instinct tells me that fairness isn’t really what breaking up is about.
TINY:
Breaking up? Is that what just happened?
PHIL
(looking to where Brad left, then turning again to Tiny):
Unless he comes back here in the next five seconds, I would say so.
They both count out five seconds. Tiny uses his fingers. At five, he releases a big sigh.
TINY:
Does it get easier?
PHIL
(looking and sounding like he has no idea what he’s talking about):
Sure! Of course!
Phil walks offstage. Which is really easy for him to do, considering.
TINY:
I thought I would be able to put Brad behind me and find someone better, smarter, more charming, and—most important—someone who liked me as much as I liked him. As the end of the school year came around, I dove right into the blue-eyed gaze of Silas, one of the other gay kids at our school. We didn’t have much in common, but I thought that being gay in common would be enough. I overlooked the fact that when I started talking about Les Misérables, he asked me if it was in French. Or when I mentioned “Memory,” he asked me what show it was from, and then found it hysterical that I would like a song that was sung by a cat. He’d talk to me, too, about things like politics, but I wasn’t really listening. I was thinking of something else. Or, more accurately, someone else.
SILAS, Ex-boyfriend #2, comes onstage and sits at a table—clearly, a date. Tiny sits at the table across from him. Looks him lovingly in the eye. The audience probably thinks, “Oh, this is going well.” Then Tiny opens his mouth.
TINY (to the tune of “I LIKE”):
Braaaaaaaaaaad! Brad Brad Brad Brad Brad. Brad Brad Brad.
Brad Brad.
Braaaaad.
Braaaaad!
Silas looks at him like he’s crazy and leaves.
ACT II, SCENE 3
Lynda the babysitter enters, followed by The Ghost of Oscar Wilde.
TINY:
What are you doing here? Haven’t you gone off to Oberlin by now? And who is that with you?
LYNDA:
This is more of a thematic interruption than a realistic one. And this is Oscar Wilde.
TINY: