's some old bugger trudging through the snow,' he said. 'Been gathering wood, by the look of it. A bad night to be out,' he said. 'And I'm out in it too, come to that. Look, master, I'm sure you've done enough now to make sure----' SOMETHING'S HAPPENING DOWN THERE. HO. HO. HO. 'Look, he's all right,' said Albert, hanging on as the sleigh tumbled downwards. There was a brief wedge of light below as the wood-gatherer opened the door of a snow-drifted hovel. 'See, over there, there's a couple of blokes catching him up, look they're weighed down with parcels and stuff, see? He's going to have a decent Hogswatch after all, no problem there. Now can we go-' Death's glowing eye sockets took in the scene in minute detail. IT'S WRONG. 'Oh, no ... here we go again.' The oh god hesitated. 'What do you mean, you can't walk through the door?' said Susan. 'You walked through the door in the bar.'
'That was different. I have certain god-like powers in the presence of alcohol. Anyway, we've knocked and she hasn't answered and whatever happened to Mr Manners?' Susan shrugged, and walked through the cheap woodwork. She knew she probably shouldn't. Every time she did something like this she used up a certain amount of, well, normal. And sooner or later she'd forget what doorknobs were for, just like Grandfather. Come to think of it, he'd never found out what doorknobs were for.
She opened the door from the inside. The oh god stepped in and looked around. This did not take long. It was not a large room. It had been subdivided from a room that itself hadn't been all that big to start with. 'This is where the Tooth fairy lives?' Bilious said. 'It's a bit ... poky, isn't it? Stuff all over the floor ... What're these things hanging from this line?'
'They're . . . women's clothes,' said Susan, rummaging through the paperwork on a small rickety table. 'They're not very big,' said the oh god. 'And a bit thin . . .'
'Tell me,' said Susan, without looking up. 'These memories you arrived here with ... They weren't very complicated, were they ... ? Ah...' He looked over her shoulder as she opened a small red notebook. 'I've only talked to Violet a few times,' she said. 'I think she delivers the teeth somewhere and gets a percentage of the money. It's not a highly paid line of work. You know, they say you can Earn $$$ in Your Spare Time but she says really she could earn more money waiting on tables - All, this looks right 'What's that?'
'She said she gets given the names every week.'
'What, of the children where going to lose teeth?'
'Yes. Names and addresses,' said Susan, flicking through the pages. 'That doesn't sound very likely.' `Pardon me, but are you the God of Hangovers? Oh, look here's Twyla's tooth last month.' She smiled at the neat grey writing. 'She practically hammered it out because she needed the half-dollar.'
'Do you like children?' said the oh god. She gave him a look. 'Not raw,' she said. `Other people's are OK. Hold on . . .' She flicked some pages back and forth. 'There's just blank days,' she said. 'Look, the last few days, all unticked. No names. But if you go back a week or two, look they're all properly marked off and the money added up at the bottom of the page, see? And ... this can't be right, can it?' There were only five names entered on the first unticked night, for the previous week. Most children instinctively knew when to push their luck and only the greedy or dentally improvident called out the Tooth Fairy around Hogswatch. 'Read the names,' said Susan. ‘William Wittles, a.k.a. Willy (home), Tosser (school), 2nd flr bck bdrm, 68 Kicklebury Street; Sophie Langtree, a.k.a. Daddy's Princess, attic bdrm, 5 The Hippo; The Hon. Jeffrey Bibbleton, a.k.a. Trouble in Trousers (home), Foureyes (school), 1st fir bck, Scrote Manor, Park Lane-' He stopped. 'I say, this is a bit intrusive, isn't it?'
' It's a whole new world,' said Susan. 'You haven't got there yet. Keep going.'
'Nuhakme Icta, a.k.a. Little Jewel, basement, The Laughing Falafel, Klatchistan Take-Away and All Nite Grocery, cnr. Soake and Dimwell; Reginald Lilywhite, a.k.a. Banjo, The Park Lane Bully, Have You Seen This Man? , The Goose Gate Grabber, The Nap Hill Lurker, Rm 17, YMPA. 'YMPA?'
'It's what we generally call the Young-Men's-ReformedCultists-of-the-Ichor-God-Bel- ShamharothAssociation,' said Susan. 'Does that sound to you like someone who'd expect a visit from a tooth fairy?' 4 No.'
'Me neither. He sounds like someone who'd expect a visit from the Watch.' Susan looked around. It really was a crummy room, the sort rented by someone who probably took it never intending to stay Iong, the sort where walking across the floor in the middle of the night would be accompanied by the crack of cockroaches in a death flamenco. It was amazing how many people spent their whole fives in places where they never intended to stay. Cheap, narrow bed, crumbling plaster, tiny window She opened the window and fished around below the ledge, and felt satisfied when her questing fingers dosed on a piece of string which was attached to an oilcloth bag. She hauled it in. 'What's that?' said the oh god, as she opened it on the table. 'Oh, you see them a lot,' said Susan, taking out some packages wrapped in second-hand waxed paper. 'You live alone, mice and roaches eat everything, there's nowhere to store food - but outside the window it's cold and safe. More or less safe. It's an old trick. Now ... look at this. Leathery bacon, a green loaf and a bit of cheese you could shave. She hasn't been back home for some time, believe me.'
'Oh dear. What now?'
'Where would she take the teeth?' said Susan, to the world in general but mainly to herself. 'What the hell does the Tooth Fairy do with---' There was a knock at the door. Susan opened it. Outside was a small bald man in a long brown coat. He was holding a clipboard and blinked nervously at the sight of her. 'Er. . .' he began. 'Can I help you?' said Susan. 'Er, I saw the light, see. I thought Violet was in,' said the little man. He twiddled the pencil that was attached to his clipboard by a piece of string. 'Only she's a bit behind with the teeth and there's a bit of money owing and Ernie's cart ain't come back and it's got to go in my report and I come round in case ... in case she was W or something, it not being nice being alone and ill at Hogswatch-'
'She's not here,' said Susan. The man gave her a worried look and shook his head sadly. 'There's nearly thirteen dollars in pillow money, see. I'll have to report it.'
'Who to?'