My dad walked up to me and pulled me into a big bear hug. I allowed myself a moment to just enjoy my dad's closeness before I backed away to look him in the eyes.
“Hey, Dad,” I said as he smiled at me. I could see the concern in his expression.
“Jackson?” he asked cautiously. “You doing okay?”
I looked down at the floor, not ready for him to see all of my feelings I’m sure were showing on my face. Most people couldn't read my emotions very easily, but my dad nailed it every single time. “Yeah, Dad. I'm fine,” I answered. There was a pause, and my dad didn't say anything, so I glanced back up at him. I just needed some time to wrap my head around the fact that Lex was gone.
“It'll be okay. I promise, son. You know that I love Lex like my own daughter, and your mom and I would've been thrilled to have her as a daughter-in-law. We saw the way you started to look at her after everything fell apart with Brad, and I’ll admit that we would have loved it if you guys became a couple. That being said, I need to be blunt because I think you need to hear this.”
“Dad,” I interrupted, “I’m not really ready to talk about it yet.”
“I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to listen and think about this while you’re working it all out in your head. I know you feel like you love her, and you probably do. But I'm just not sure that it’s the type of love you think it is.”
“You don’t know that!”
“Jackson, you aren’t the most patient person in the world. You know that. And yet you waited two years for Lex to come around to the idea of dating again. If your feelings really ran deep, I don’t know that you could have waited that long without doing anything about it. I’m sorry if what I am saying sounds harsh, but you need to think about whether or not your guilt over everything that happened just made you see her in a different light or if you really wanted her that way. Because, son, believe me when I say that when you meet the right one, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I don’t think you’re the type of guy who would spend a couple years messing around with other girls when she’s right there in front of you.”
I got the point my dad was trying to make, but right now he was just pissing me off. “Just stop right there, Dad. I’m not going to let you discount what I feel for Lex and what it means that she’s with Drake now.”
“That’s not what I am trying to do here, son. Maybe it’s too early for you. I get that you need time to figure this out on your own. Just promise me that you’ll think about what I’ve said while you’re doing that, okay?”
“Sure, Dad. Whatever,” I said, barely able to stop myself from rolling my eyes at him.
“So, awkward change of subject here, but I figured you might need to blow off some steam so I called the dojo to see if they needed any help. Sensei would appreciate it if you can help teach a few classes this week.”
“Great. I think I’ll just grab my stuff and head over there then. I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff I can do to help out if there isn’t a class going right away,” I said before heading upstairs to grab my karate bag.
I might not have been happy to hear what my dad had had to say, but he had really helped me out by setting things up for me to hang out at the dojo. It had always been the place I went to clear my mind. A lot of people didn’t get how fighting brought me peace. But karate wasn’t about the fighting to me as much as it was about self-control, focus, and discipline. And I could really use that focus right about now.
I knew it was going to be a rough couple weeks, but I hadn’t expected to be blindsided this early by that conversation with my dad. I’d hoped that he had already talked to my mom and we could all just enjoy this break without everyone asking me a bunch of questions about my feelings and shit. My time at the dojo was just what I needed to center me.
I spent a few hours teaching classes and loved the look on the faces of the kids when I would show them a new move. It reminded me of when my dad started bringing me to class when I was little. It was crazy to think that now the kids watched me and hoped they would one day be able to do the same moves.
After the class, I had the dojo all to myself and was able to run through some katas before I headed back home. As I began each kata, I took a single deep breath to clear out my mind and calm my nerves. Sensei had taught me that the kata should be regarded as a moving meditation of sorts. I envisioned that my imaginary opponents were real and used enough force so that every strike within the form could be a finishing one. By the time I was done, I was sweating bullets and breathing heavily.