“He didn’t,” Brian informed me. “Didn’t even break top ten.”
I felt my eyes go round. Jamie didn’t even break top ten? What? That couldn’t be right. He always broke top ten. He was number one. He couldn’t be beat.
“Yeah,” Brian mumbled, seeing my reaction. His brows lifted. “That’s never happened before. Even when Jamie was first starting out, he always placed. His head isn’t in it.”
I stared at Brian as a knot formed in my stomach. I could feel myself getting upset. Was he trying to make me feel bad? Like I was to blame for Jamie not placing? Why was this all my fault?
“So you know what happened then,” I said to verify.
“Yep.”
“He told you everything.”
Brian shrugged. “Pretty much.”
“Did he tell you he’s the one who acted like he didn’t care?” My voice grew louder, hiding my pain. “That when I told Jamie how I felt about that interview, about him not mentioning anything about me or us, he made me feel stupid for feeling that way? I was hurt, Brian. I was hurt and he didn’t give a damn about it. I may have walked out, but he hasn’t done anything to try and fix this. He hasn’t called. He hasn’t come here.”
“What have you been doing?” he asked.
My lips pressed tightly together. Brian cocked his head, eyes all-knowing.
Damn it.
“He didn’t claim me,” I argued. My face was hot. I could feel my flush creeping down my neck. “I was upset! I’ve been upset.”
“What’d he tell you about those interviews?” Brian asked. “He say anything?”
“Yeah. He said he didn’t answer personal questions. And maybe that’s true, but—”
“Not maybe,” Brian interrupted. His voice was somber. I watched him reach into his back pocket and produce folded-up pages that looked to be torn out of a magazine. He held them out for me to take. “Here.”
Brow furrowed, I hesitated briefly, letting my hand hover in the air before reaching out and taking them. I unfolded the pages and pulled them apart. There were three. Different issues of the same magazine. Rail. These were Jamie’s interviews.
“He never said anything different, Tori,” Brian said as I found the question and word-for-word answer he was referring to. The same ‘no comment’ answer I read nine days ago. “Jamie does those interviews ’cause he knows it’ll draw attention to Wax. It’s not about him. Yeah, he talks about what surfing means to him, why he loves it, but if you read those articles, Jamie is always putting emphasis on the sport, not him. And he name-drops Wax every chance he gets. That’s the kinda guy he is. He could be like everybody else and talk all kinds of shit about himself, brag, do it for the attention, but he doesn’t. And those dickheads at Rail and every other magazine that’s interviewed him, they tell him, flat out, the questions are gonna be geared toward surfing. They know not to ask him personal shit. He makes that clear before he even sits down. So when they go there, every fuckin’ time he gives them the only answer he can give without telling them to fuck off. He’s never said anything different. He never will.”
I look up then, lips parting, my breaths coming out short and quick.
“It’s not about you and him. Not in those interviews,” Brian continued, holding my gaze. “Jamie’s told you how he feels. That’s what matters to him. You knowin’. Your friends, your family, the people you care about. All of us. Christ, we all sure as fuck know. His family. Mine. Everybody in his life, babe. He’s never been quiet about it. And to the people that matter, he never fuckin’ will be. You just gotta decide if that’s enough for you.”
A dull pain shot through my chest.
It was enough. I was never Jamie’s secret. All of the people we cared about knew. Everyone in my life and in his. Jamie’s family, he’d told them all about me. His sister and his brother. He claimed me to them before I was even allowing myself to admit I wanted this as much as he did. They mattered. And Brian and Syd, my family, they were who mattered and God, I was so, so stupid.
I blinked several times as tears filled my eyes.
“He knows you were hurtin’, babe,” Brian shared, keeping his voice gentle now. “He wasn’t gettin’ it at the time, but you women gotta give us a break. We can be pretty fuckin’ stupid when it comes to you.”
A laugh bubbled in my throat. I brought my fingers to my lips.
“You gotta know, this is killing him. He’s hurtin’, too. I probably wouldn’t be stepping in if it wasn’t for him not placing, but Jamie’s always had my back. Always will. Never need to ask him to have it, he just does. He’s a good man, Tori.”
“I know that,” I whispered, letting my hand skim my throat as my tears started to fall.
He was the best man. The best. And he was mine. I had him.
“I messed up, Brian,” I whispered. “I … I shouldn’t have left him. I shouldn’t have blown up like that.”
“Yeah, well …” Brian drew his arms across his chest again. “His ass shouldn’t have let you leave. And he should’ve been comin’ over here already, but he’s stubborn as shit. Swear to God, he’s fuckin’ miserable, though. I can’t take it.”
I didn’t want Jamie miserable. I couldn’t even imagine it. He was always smiling. Whenever I saw him, he was sweet dimples and mischief behind the smuggest, most perfect grin I’d ever seen.