“All right. We can’t stay here.” Will’s voice jars me back to reality. I tear my gaze from Cassian and Miram. His expression is so knowing, and I flush guiltily, my skin prickling hotly. I hate that I have this bond with Cassian that forever links us. That it’s something Will and I can never have. If I have this bond with anyone, it should be Will. But that’s not possible. It never was.
“Let’s get moving.”
We all pile in again. I ride up front with Will this time. It’s a relief not to face the others, especially Miram. There’s too much pain and regret when I look at her and think about what the enkros did. She’s still a captive even if she’s with us.
We bump along the rutted road, dirt billowing around us as we head back to the highway. Will reaches across the space separating us and takes my hand. I release a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. My fingers tighten around his hand and squeeze hard, needing him so much it’s a physical pang in my chest. The fear of losing him has always nipped at me, a growling beast snapping at my heels. But now it coats my mouth in a sour, metallic film. And I know why.
I’m considering helping Cassian and Miram return to the pride. And I might lose him if I do.
15
Will and I say nothing. It’s as though we know once we start talking, things will be said that will change everything. Change us. The dreams we had for ourselves aren’t as close to coming true as we thought. He has to know that. Sense that. For now, silence is my only comfort.
Although in that quiet, my mind circles back to the terrible thing I’ve done, to the possibility that I killed someone. We did stop to place a call to 911, but the awful feelings still nag at me. A tightness builds inside me that makes every breath an agonizing struggle for air. Words are beyond me. But even without words, my thoughts are loud inside my head. And I have plenty more to consider. There’s the matter of Miram. As long as she’s with us, as long as the homing device stays inside her … I shake my head. We’ll never be safe. It’s a situation I can’t ignore. I can’t let them all go on their merry way back to the pride as if this weren’t a problem.
We travel over an hour before Will slows the van. I blink like I’m waking from a dream as he pulls over at one of those mega travel centers that boasts multiple restaurants and showers. It’s practically a small city. The prospect of clean hair and fresh clothes perks me up a bit. Will parks at the far edge of the lot where there aren’t any other vehicles.
I join Will as he opens the back door. Everyone looks drained, slumped low, adrenaline long spent. Cassian clutches his side as though his ribs still pain him. He probably hurt himself again in the mad dash to rescue his sister. Tamra twists a matted lock of hair between her fingers.
“Anyone want a shower?” I ask, forcing a ring of cheerfulness into my voice.
Tamra is the quickest. Grabbing our bags, she hops down, equally delighted. Cassian follows. Miram doesn’t move.
“Miram,” I say gently, looking at her where she huddles in the corner with her knees pulled to her chest, her expression uncertain, like she isn’t sure if she can come or not. And who can blame her? “Would you like to wash up, too? You can wear some of our clothes.”
She doesn’t respond.
Cassian prompts her. “Miram?”
She gives a small jerk and then nods once, scooting toward the van door. “Yeah. Thanks,” she whispers, dropping down. Cassian drapes an arm around her and pulls her close. She forces a watery smile and snuggles into the shelter of his body. His face fixes in a cringe, but he doesn’t complain or remind her of his injuries.
Tamra lingers at the door, peering back in at Deghan. He sits with his wrists propped on his knees. “You going to be okay?” she asks.
I pat her shoulder and stifle a sigh. “C’mon. I’m pretty sure he can handle himself, Tamra.”
Her pale cheeks pink up, and she nods. Will shuts the van door, and we all walk together to the facility, guys and girls parting when we reach the showering area. I let Tamra and Miram go first. There are enough showers, but with Miram acting as a giant homing device for hunters … well, someone should stand guard.
Miram emerges with a towel around her. Her uncertainty returns when she sees me. I smile encouragingly, hoping to reassure her. Her expression eases, softens. I hand her some clothes and wait while she changes. She resurfaces in the fresh clothes, rubbing her hair dry with the towel.
“You can go ahead.” She gestures to the shower stall.
“That’s okay.” Tamra’s still showering. I can’t leave her alone yet.
“Oh.” She nods as my reason for staying sinks in. Squaring off in front of the mirror, she lifts my hairbrush to begin untangling her hair and stops, the brush hovering midair, directly above her head. I understand at once, following her gaze to where it’s fixed—to the incision behind her ear.
I gently remove the brush from her clenched fingers. “Here. Let me.” She stares at me, looking almost startled to see me.
I begin brushing. The fine sandy-colored strands untangle easily. I look over the top of her head, meeting her eyes as she watches me in the mirror. It’s silent, save for the distant noise of showers.
I start at the sound of her voice. “I should have gone with you.”
I pause for a moment, then resume brushing. “What do you mean?”
“When you tried to get me to leave with you and Will … I should have gone. I was just so used to not liking you. I didn’t want to follow you.”
“It’s okay.” What else can I say? It’s over and done.
“None of this would be happening if I had gone with you. I’m sorry. For everything, Jacinda.”
I shrug, trying to act like it’s nothing. “Then we never would have found Deghan. Some good came of it. He’d still be a prisoner in there. All those other draki would still be captives.” True, all the draki had implants, and are most likely going to be captured again, but they at least have a chance now. Just like Miram does. And I don’t want her focusing on the negatives.
“I guess I should care about them,” she says, looking at her scrubbed-fresh face in the mirror. Impossibly young, innocent. “But I just wish none of it had ever happened. I wish I were home. With Dad. Aunt Jabel.”
I finish with her hair, unsure what to say to that. Not sure there is anything to say.
Tamra joins us then, already dressed. “Your turn,” she says.
“Great. I’ll be fast. Why don’t you two go get some food and I’ll meet you back at the van?”
Tamra nods and gathers up her things. I shower quickly, even though I would love nothing more than to stand under the warm spray for an hour and let it ease all the tension from my body.
I meet up with Will on the way back from the shower. He’s carrying a brown paper bag.
“Get anything good?”
“Oh yeah.” He smiles. Now that he’s freshly showered and shaved, his clean soapy scent fills my nose. “C’mon. I’ll show you.” Taking my hand, he pulls me off the asphalt parking lot to one of the many picnic tables dotting the grass.
We sit on top of a splintery-wood table and he fumbles inside the brown bag. I try to get a glimpse, but he shakes a finger at me and twists his body so I can’t see inside it.
He looks over his shoulder. “Ready?”
I grin and bounce my knees. “Yes! Show me.”
He whips around. “Ta-da!”
I stare down uncomprehendingly at the box in his hands. “What is it?”
He looks from me to the box in amazement. “What is it?” he echoes. “You don’t know?”
I read the print on the box. “Cracker Jack?”
He nods excitedly.
I examine the box. Caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts. “So … junk food?”
He looks appalled. “Not just any junk food. It’s like the first junk food ever.” He rips open the box and shakes some of the sticky popcorn into my palm, then his. “This was my mom’s favorite.”
He tosses the snack into his mouth and chews. I watch for a moment, enjoying the sight of him, the way his eyes crinkle in pleasure. I relish just sitting here. With him. “You don’t talk about her that much.”
“I was so young when she died. I wish I could remember her more clearly,” he says matter-of-factly as he shakes some more Cracker Jack into his hand. “At night, in my bed, I try to run through all the memories of her I do have, almost like I’m exercising them, you know?” He looks at me. “Keeping them fresh and in shape before they fade away completely.”
I nod and blink suddenly burning eyes. “Yeah. I get that.” Haven’t I done the same thing with my own memories of my father?
His gaze roves over my face—like he’s memorizing me and this moment. “Yeah. I guess you do.”
Tossing back his head, he drops more Cracker Jack into his mouth.
I copy him. “Hmm, pretty good.”
He shakes his head and bumps me with his shoulder. “I can’t believe you’ve never had Cracker Jack before.”
My eyes widen. “Had it? I’ve never even seen the stuff,” I confess.
“Oh, blasphemy.”
“Hey! I’ve spent like … what? Two months out in the human world? My education hasn’t covered Cracker Jack yet.” I giggle, swaying on the top of the table. “I’ve got a lot to learn. I admit it.”
Still wearing that melting grin, he reaches for my hair, smoothing a hand down the wet strands. “We’ll have all the time in the world. And I’ll teach you,” he murmurs. And suddenly I’m fairly certain we’re not talking about future lessons in junk food.
My cheeks burn as he leans in to kiss me. At my lips, he whispers, “Soon, Jacinda. It will be us. We’re going to have peace. We’ll be free. And happy.”
Every part of me comes alive at the first brush of his mouth. I taste the salty Cracker Jack on his mouth and know I’ll never forget the sensation of this moment.
“We better get going,” I say, standing.
“Yeah.” He sighs, grabbing the bag. “But wait. Almost forgot the best part.” He shakes popcorn everywhere, digging through the box. “Ah, I got it!”
“What is that?”
“The prize. Every box comes with a prize.” Something falls into his palm. He gazes at it for a long moment, a slow smile curving his well-carved lips.
“What?” I nudge him with my elbow playfully.
He seizes my hand. “This is perfect. Until I can get you something better.” He slides a purple plastic ring on my finger. The band fits just right.
We both stare at it for a moment. The top of the plastic band is a hollowed-out heart. I outline that tiny heart with one fingertip.
“Now you can look down at your hand any time. Even if I’m not there, you’ll know.” His warm fingers squeeze mine, and our gazes find each other.
“Know what?” I whisper.
“That you have my heart. That I love you.”
Those words, his deep gaze … I can’t catch my breath. But then I feel as though something like oxygen might not be necessary when I have him. He feeds me … breathes life into me. Makes everything good. He stuck with me through everything: my disappearance, my bonding with Cassian … always putting me above himself. It’s a miracle he hasn’t run in the opposite direction.
In the distance, the van honks. I look up and spot Tamra standing near the driver’s side, sliding her arm back out the window. She’s anxious to get moving—no doubt nervous about the hunters catching up to us. At this reminder, the smile slips from my face. Just like that, the happy moment is diminished.
“C’mon.” I head toward the van. I only get a few feet before Will reclaims my hand. And I’m glad for that. Glad at the feel of his finger tracing the ring band on my hand. That no matter how bad everything is he hasn’t let go of me. Maybe he never will. No matter what comes. No matter what I ask of him. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve him. I just know that I don’t want to lose this boy who has come to mean so much to me. Everything.