I start to cry. I wrap my arms around my belly, and look at the sand. “You said you didn’t want kids, it’s a pain you couldn’t feel again. I freaked out; I didn’t know what to do. It was the only thing I could think of, that would save us both the pain. I didn’t want to lose you and...”
“You read me wrong,” he interrupts. “I know what I said, and I meant it. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t have kids because it fuckin’ burns to lose them, but this ain’t a choice and therefore it can’t be changed. If you were pregnant by accident, then I would never leave you alone. I’d always be there. I’m not a fuckin’ asshole, Ciara. I might not want it right now, but fuck, I’d make sure it had the best life ever. You have to understand that.”
I look up at him, and hot tears flood my cheeks. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“It was my fuckin’ fault, too. I didn’t ask until after I fuckin’ came inside you, numerous times. It wasn’t on you, and it shouldn’t be left on you. I don’t like that you fuckin’ lied to me when I asked, but I know why you did it. There ain’t no pill gettin’ taken. There ain’t no way in shit I am willingly killing a child that may be inside you. Fuck, no, Ciara.”
“I’m sorry.”
He nods, stiffly. “Yeah, I get that.”
“But you’re hurt...”
“Fuck, of course I am. You and the rest of the fuckin’ world keep on thinkin’ that you know me so well.”
“The sad thing is,” I whisper, my voice low, “is that I know you, better than most, and I still jumped to conclusions.”
“Yeah, you fuckin’ did.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are,” he sighs. “When are you goin’ to know?”
I swallow, and look away toward the ocean. “In a few weeks.”
“Right, well, til’ then we’ll use protection.”
“Spike?”
He meets my gaze as I turn back to him.
“I know you don’t want this, so why are you trying to support me?”
“I’m not a cunt, Ciara. I don’t want it right now, but I’ll deal with it and I’ll make the best of it, if that’s what I need to do.”
I nod, and watch him turn and walk toward his bike. He’s hurting; I can see it written all over him.
I hang my head, and I follow him. He’s already on it, the engine grumbling beneath him. I climb on the back, pull my helmet on and wrap my arms around him. He takes off into the night, and I struggle to fight back the tears the entire way back to the hotel.
When we pull up, I get off the bike and he follows. Neither of us speak as we walk in and over to where Cade, Jackson, Granger, Muff and Addison are sitting. They all give us weary expressions.
“Need to talk with you boys. Addison, Ciara, leave,” Spike says, his voice empty and angry.Addi’s eyes widen, but she stands. I don’t move.
“Spike,” I begin.
“You fuckin’ heard me, Ciara. Ain’t none of your fuckin’ business what I’m about to say, and considerin’ you ain’t my Old Lady, you don’t get a right to argue it. Now fuckin’ leave. I’ll be up later.”
“Spike, you asshole!” Addi snaps.
Spike gives her a look so fierce, she steps back. Cade stands and puts a hand on Spike’s shoulder, giving him a silent warning to slow down. Then he turns to us, giving me a soft expression. “Go up with Addi, yeah? We won’t be long.”
I don’t answer him, or look at Spike. I just turn and walk off with Addi. My heart is throbbing, but I don’t look back.
Addi takes me up to my room, and when we’re inside, she turns to me. “You okay?”
I shrug, but my heart aches. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“He’s just hurting.”
“He’s angry, because he doesn’t want me to be pregnant, yet he doesn’t want to feel guilty if he asks me to take that pill.”
“He’s probably just reliving some old memories. Give him some space.”
She’s probably right, so I don’t bother to argue. I turn to her, and give her a weak smile. “I’m not trying to be rude, but do you mind if I just go to bed?”
She smiles, and nods. “Of course. Hey, you will call if you need me, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I say.
She hugs me, and then she’s gone. I turn and stare at the room, with its crappy green walls, old brown carpet and curtains that have seen better days, and then, with a sigh I walk into the shower. I stand in the warm water for what seems like hours, and then I get out and dress myself, before crawling into bed. I lay on the soft, thick pillow thinking of Spike’s words, unable to get them out of my head. They hurt, a lot.
You’re not even my Old Lady.
Ouch.
CHAPTER 17
PRESENT – SPIKE
“You know you’re too fuckin’ angry to deal with this right now,” Cade says, giving me a look.
“No, I’m not,” I growl. “Now tell me what you know.”
“Spike, buddy, have a drink and sit yeah?” Granger says, shoving a beer at me.
I take it and pop the top, before bringing it to my lips and swallowing. It does help, and with each sip, I feel calmer. Fuck, what was I thinking, speaking to Ciara like that? It was fucked up. She didn’t deserve that, not at all. It ain’t her fault she’s in this position, it’s equally mine. I just reacted so badly, givin’ her mixed signals. She got abused for wanting to take that pill, then she got shoved away because she didn’t take it.