Now Addi’s brows raise. “You and Spike have been talking?”
“We’ve been arguing more like it, but yeah...I think I hurt him the other night.”
Addi turns, storming around the bar and stopping in front of me. She grips my shoulders and pulls me towards a table, shoving me down. She sits on the chair over from me, puts her elbows on the table, face in hands and leans forward. “Spill, like now.”
I laugh nervously. “It’s nothing, Addi. Just the usual Spike and Ciara bullshit.”
“Oh, you are such a liar! Now spill, or I’ll force it out of you using whatever means possible.”
I giggle and roll my eyes at her, and then I lean forward too. “We’ve been talking a little more, and slowly we’ve been hashing some things out. Last night, my car ran out of gas and, well, Spike was the one who stopped for me. We got into this massive fight and he kissed me,” I blurt out quickly.
Addi’s eyes widen, and she grins, big and beautiful. “Spike kissed you?”
“It’s not what you think. I was yelling at him because he never kissed me when he took me that night all those years ago, and so he kissed me to make it even. It meant nothing to him, I can assure you.”
Addi puts her head in her hands and groans, and then she meets my gaze again. “Honey, you can’t see it, can you? Spike is freakin’ head over heels for you.”
I snort. “No, he’s not. Trust me. He might have had feelings in the past, but they’re long gone now.”
“Oh god! You two are so bloody stubborn. Trust me when I say his angry reaction is because he cares so much. Spike isn’t the type of man to react angrily to just anyone. He’s the type who reacts out of emotion and, trust me honey, he feels something when he’s around you. It’s why he’s trying so hard to push you away.”
Is Addison right? Or is she just clutching at straws to find some sort of explanation so he won’t break my heart?
“Either way,” I say, my voice low and croaky. “He’s not about to give in anytime soon. He gave me the bracelet back; that means I hurt him. God, Addi, I said some really mean things last night.”
“What bracelet?” she asks, confusion washing over her pretty features.
“A long time ago, I gave him a bracelet. It was kind of like a promise to always have each other’s backs, to always be there for each other. I spat mean words at him last night and he left, but he left the bracelet on the coffee table.”
“Can I be honest with you, Ciara?” Addi says, her face serious.
“Of course you can.”“Look, I know a great deal went down between you and Spike, and half of it I’ll probably never know or understand but what I’m seeing here, is two people determined to blame one another for things that went wrong, yet not one of them is willing to say sorry. You’re looking for Spike to take away the hurt he caused you, but what about his hurt?”
I hang my head, because she’s right. Spike deserves my apology, just as much as I deserve his.
“I know you’re right, but every time we get together we just end up blaming each other instead of dealing with what happened and moving on.”
“Are you in love with him, honey?”
I flinch. “How can I love someone who hates me so much?”
“Easily, now answer the question.”
My heart begins to hammer. I hate the question because it rips out so many emotions inside me. I can’t think when she’s asking me to bare my soul to her.
Once upon a time, I adored Spike. I’m fairly sure he was the first man who taught my heart how to love, even though I never admit it to him. Now, though, when I think of him, I am torn. I feel so much for him, yet at the same time my hurt overrides real feelings. I close my eyes, sucking in a rugged breath. If I admit what’s in my heart, deep down behind everything, then I’m changing the way I think about everything, but if I keep it locked down...I continue on this path of denial.
“Yes.”
My voice comes out as a croaky whisper. It’s the best I can muster up. I clench my eyes closed harder, until they hurt. Addison will never realize what admitting that is doing to me inside. She will never realize that now I have said it, I will never walk away from it. I feel her fingers glide over my hand, and she tugs it into her grip. For a long while we just sit like that, me with my head down and eyes closed, and her holding my hand, occasionally running her thumb over it. When I finally look up, I’ve managed to fight the tears and am holding strong. Addison meets my gaze, and she gives me a gentle smile.
“I know how hard it is to admit you have feelings for someone like Spike, but now you’ve done it, you can move forward.”
“There is no forward,” I say in a small, broken voice. “I’ve fucked it all up.”
“No, you haven’t. You can fix this, Ciara. You just have to be willing to admit you were wrong, too.”
“I still don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t know if I can be second best...”
“You’re not second best, you know that. It’s not like you were both presented to him and he picked one. He thought you didn’t want any more than friendship. Eventually he was going to move on and stop waiting honey, it just so happened that he moved onto your sister.”
“I know...”
“Give it a few days, then try and talk to him again. Approach it differently.”
I lift my hand, running it through my hair and letting out a deep sigh. “God, why can’t I just find a normal man?”