“Learning to grocery shop again, now that was fun. One slam of the freezer door behind me, and I was ready to call it a day.” The confessions are rolling off my tongue.
“That bad?”
“It was. And it’s been worse.” I swallow more beer. “I, uh, I use to put my camo on and…”
He furrows his brows. “What?”
“I’d sit in my backyard…” I palm my forehead. “God, this is embarrassing.”
He kneels at my feet and stops my rocking. “Tell me.”
I look over the pasture, and for the first time in months, I tell the truth.
“I’d try to channel you.” My chin wobbles, but I keep the tears in. “It’s ridiculous—trust me, I know. But when I was in those clothes, on that freezing ground, it was like I could feel you there with me.”
Scrunching my nose, I bite my lips, but the hot tears fall. “Turns out I needed you then…and I still need you now, even after you broke my heart.”
I’m in his arms. I don’t know how it happens, and I don’t care. I look up, meeting his eyes, and give him the truth he deserves. “And I’m terrified that’s never going to stop.”
Chapter Fifty-Five
Briggs
She’s shaking in my arms, her head on my shoulder as she confesses that she still needs me. Elation threatens, and I tamp it down. I’ve been there. I can’t go there again. Just as the thought passes, I hear her sniff, and she slowly pulls away.
“Nope, not doing this,” she says as she runs her hand through her hair before grabbing another beer and cracking it open. “I’m not here to throw my shit on you. I’m sorry.” She sniffs into her sleeve before wiping her eyes.
Stunned at her sudden departure, I move to stand. “It’s not like I was tossing you aside.”
“I know.” She gives me a brave smile. “But in all honesty, I’m doing better. I think.” She wrinkles her nose, trying to mask the tears that threaten. “I think telling you the things I did, putting words to them, made it all the more real for me, maybe? Like that has really been my life since I’ve been home.”
I’m still reeling from her confessions and having a horrible time at the fact it’s been so hard on her. “Makes sense.”
“God,” she says, setting the beer down. “You know, I woke up today and did a body scan, and swore my head was on straight. Straight enough to come here and read you the riot act. Come see my crazy ass out, would you?” She takes a step off the porch, and my chest seizes.
Fuck!
“You’ve been drinking.” I follow her as she starts toward her Jeep.
“I’ve had two beers,” she says with a shrug.
“Stop fucking walking,” I order, and she turns back to me with her eyes wide.
“Now you want me to stay, Briggs? You’ve been giving me hell about being here for the past half hour. I’m trying to give you an out, cowboy.”
Thumbing the pockets of my jeans, I take a step forward.
“You had a moment, and you’re embarrassed. I get it, but this is me you had a moment with, and you don’t have to cover it up. For fifty-six fucking days, we talked, Scottie. Fifty-six days. Nothing in the world you can tell me will sway my opinion of you. Nothing you can do will ever make me feel differently about you. Now, come inside and let’s play some cards.”
“You don’t get to bully me, Briggs.”
Squeezing the bill of my hat, I grit my teeth. “You know as much as you’ve talked about changing, I can’t tell a damn bit of difference. You’re still mouthy.” I take a step forward as her lips rise. “Still off-putting.” Another step. “Still stubborn as hell.” I take that final step. “And I don’t want any more excuses. You have a promise to keep.”
“I do?” She’s beaming, and that arrow shoots straight through my heart.
“You will ride a horse while saving a cowboy.”
A beat passes, maybe two, as we square off. She doesn’t want to leave, and I don’t want her to go. That part is settled.
“Fine.” She pushes past me and walks back toward the house. “But I can’t be responsible for anything I say or do beyond this point.”
“You know what you need?” I point out.
“What’s that?” she asks, as the tears dry on her cheeks under the light of the porch.
“Something foreign to you, something that may just restore order to your life.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“Fun.”
“Know where I can find some of that around here?” She bites her lip, and it takes everything I have not to steal it from her. But that’s not what she needs.
“I may know a guy.”
A few hours later, the beer tops have collected on the side of the table, along with my newly earned year’s supply of Carmex.
Scottie holds her cards fanned out in front of her as she worries her lip. “You’re supposed to be teaching me, not humiliating me.”
“You’ve won a few hands,” I say, unable to tear my eyes away from her. Desire’s been coursing through me since the second she showed up screaming. Golden ringlets fan her shoulders as her face twists with concentration.
“Do you…have any twos?”
“Go fish,” I say, and she immediately bursts out laughing. We’re playing poker, but we’re both pretty shitty at this point. She tosses two cards down, and I draw her two more. She positions them in her hand as I mourn the fact that she’s added another layer of shirt since we sat down. It could have been my earlier comment about the weather conditions, according to her radars.
Yes, I am that much of an idiot.
It doesn’t matter. Aside from her sideways glare, I caught the smile on her lips as she covered her nipples.
That shit was distracting and cost me two hands.
“Okay, so you finally going to tell me about the Carmex?”
I stare at the tubes on the table.
Her face turns a little somber, and I regret the question.
“Don’t worry,” she assures, “I’m not going to go all Jerry McGuire on you.”
“Jerry what?”
“Crazy. You’ve never seen that movie?” She sighs. “I’m so disappointed.”
“It’s a movie?”
“Yeah, a damn good one. It starts with a mission statement. He’s a bad guy, well, a shark-like sports agent, and he decides he’s shallow.” She wrinkles her nose. “I’m screwing this up.”
I sit clueless, and she reacts.
“Oh, my God, dude—show me the money!”
“What money?”
“That’s it,” she says. “You complete me?”
“Is that a question?” I ask, utterly confused.
“Surely you know, you had me at hello?”
My confidence is growing by the second. “I did?”
Scottie bursts into a fit of laughter that I can’t help but watch for as long as it lasts.
“This is not happening,” she says with a hiccup. “Promise me right now you will watch that movie.”
“Promise.” And I will.
“What were we talking about?” she asks, smiling. God, if she could only see what I see, she would know the truth. She’s not as broken as she thinks she is. Not to downplay what she’s going through, because I know it’s hell, but because of the way she’s still capable of anything and everything she wants to do. I make it a point to remind her of that.
“Carmex,” she says softly. “It’s as simple as this. For about fifty of those fifty-six days, it’s the only luxury I wanted more than a shower. And when I was standing there earlier today, the fact that I could just reach out and grab it—have it— it was mind-boggling.”
I nod in perfect understanding.
“What was your thing?”
Holding you.
It was the only luxury I dreamed about every minute of those days.
“Same, I guess.”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m,” I say, laying my cards down, “still kicking your ass.”