“She’ll love it.” He grinned and flashed a badge to the nurse behind the desk. “Let’s go up.”
“It’s okay for me to visit her?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “Now she’s in remission, we don’t have to take any special precautions. And she loves visitors, so she’ll be happy to see you.”
“I wish Lexi could have come as well.” I sighed. “But she’s not talking to me right now.”
“Oh?” He looked at me quickly and turned away with a slight flush on his face. I’m sure he felt bad for me after everything that had happened.
“I think she must be mad because of Anna.”
“I guess so.” He nodded.
“She did call and leave me a message yesterday, though.” I paused. “I’m sure she must be unsure of what to do, what with my mom dying and me dropping this bombshell on the same day.”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it.”
“I don’t know what to say.” He looked at me with worried eyes. “I hope you guys get to talk soon.”
“I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.” I laughed at his shocked expression. “I know it’s fast, but it just seems so right, you know. She’s loved me for years, and well I want her to know that I appreciate her faith in me. I just can’t believe I never really noticed her in high school.”
“Yeah, I don’t know how anyone can pass over Lexi Lord.”
“Sorry, man.” I cringed as I thought about whom I was gushing to. He most probably thought I was throwing our relationship in his face. I was pretty sure he was in love with her as well. C’mon Bryce, I thought to myself. Be a gentleman. “Anyways, I’m excited to see Shelby.”
“Do you want to tell her you’re her brother?”
“I can do that?” I was surprised.
“Well, if you don’t plan on visiting her often, then I wouldn’t recommend it.” He looked at me curiously. “So I guess I’m asking is this going to be a one visit type of thing?”
“But she won’t be in the hospital much longer will she? If she’s in remission.”
“No, she’ll be going back to the orphanage. But you can still visit her then. Maybe even take her out for an afternoon.”
“Oh, I don’t know if I can do that.” I felt panicked. “I don’t know anything about little kids.”
“It’s not too hard.”
“But she’s a girl as well. I don’t know anything about little girls.” My hands clammed up and I stopped. “Maybe I shouldn’t visit her. Will you give her the Barbie instead?”
“Hey Bryce.” Luke put his hand on my shoulder. “It’ll be okay. I promise. Just come and meet her properly. You can decide what you’re comfortable with.”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m ready.”
Luke pushed the door open and Shelby ran towards him as I just stood there like a statue. “Lukey.” I watched as he picked her up and swung her around. I saw her blue eyes sparkling with happiness. She smiled as she saw me and waved energetically.
“Hiya.” I waved back at her and plastered a big smile on my face.
“Hi, I member you from yesterday.” She walked over to me as Luke put her down and I put my hand out for her to shake.
“I thought I’d come and say hello.” I smiled, gently, and handed her the Barbie. “I bought this for you to play with.”
Shelby took the Barbie from me and held it in her hands like a sacred object. “For me?” She looked surprised and I nodded.
“Yes, for you.”
“Thank you.” She leaned over to give me a hug and I held her tightly.
“You’re welcome.”
“I’m Shelby.”
“I’m Bryce.”
“I like the name Bryce.” She giggled and I am reminded of Lexi. She had Lexi’s smile I thought to myself. That’s why she seems so familiar.
“And I like the name Shelby.”
“We both have blue eyes.” She pointed at me.
“Yes we do.” And I felt as if I’d been shot. She had my eyes. I looked into her face and I saw my reflection shining back at me through her sky blue irises. She had my eyes and she had Lexi’s smile. In a weird way, she could have been the image of what a kid of mine and Lexi’s would look like.
“Want to play top chef?”
“What’s that?”
“We pretend to cook stuff. Lukey, you be the judge.”
“Okay, Shelby.” He grinned at her. “I like your bandana today.” He pointed at the pink piece of fabric on her head and she twirled around.
“It’s ’cos I’m a princess,” she giggled.
“Princess Shelby is a fine name.” Luke teased her and she turned towards me.
“Do you like it Brycey?”
“I love it.” A warm feeling enveloped me and I bowed down in front of her. “I am at your service, Princess Shelby.”
“You can be King Brycey and you can be Prince Lukey.” She ran to the corner of her room and picked up a red teddy bear. “And this is going to be the wicked witch.” She threw him across the room and ran towards me. “Save me from the witch, King Brycey, save me from the witch.”
I laughed and grabbed her and held her in the air. “I have you safe Princess.”
“You saved me. You’re my King.” She giggled and planted a soft kiss on my cheek. I put her back down on the ground and Luke pointed at her with a mock stern look. “I thought we were playing top chef?”
“We can play that next time.” She giggled and took my hand. “Come and see my picture.” I walked with her to the bed and she picked up a piece of paper with a drawing.
“What’s this?” I smiled at her. “Are you a top artist as well?”
She nodded her head and smiled. “This is my new family. Now I’m all better, I can get a mom and a dad and a big dog.”
“Oh?” I tried to keep the smile on my face, but I felt like my insides were being torn to shreds.
“A family will want me now because I’m a princess and I’m all well.” She grinned and I saw that her front tooth was missing. I wanted to pull her into my arms and never let her go. A child that small shouldn’t be worried about things like families, I thought with a sigh. I looked at Luke and he gave me a half smile, I could see the stress and concern in his eyes as well.
“Anybody would be happy to have a princess like you as their daughter.” I stroked her head and she yawned.
“I’m just going to relax my eyes for a few seconds. Don’t go. I want to play still, okay?” She looked up at me with a hopeful expression, her bandana had slipped off and I saw the beginnings of hair growth on her scalp.
“Of course.”
“Good.” She lay back and held my hand. “Then after my quick rest we can play Superman.”
“Okay.” I watched as she drifted to sleep and I felt my heartbeat start to slow down.
“Come.” Luke ushered me towards the door. “Let’s go get a coffee.”
“But I promised her I’ll stay.” I frowned and don’t move.
“She’ll be asleep for a while. She’s exhausted from the excitement. We’ll come back.”
“Okay.” I frowned and followed him out the door. “Does she always get tired so quickly?”
“She’s getting better,” Luke grinned. “Sometimes she would fall asleep in midsentence.”
“Oh.” I was glad that I had missed out on witnessing her go through chemotherapy. I wasn’t sure if I would have been strong enough to keep her together. “So, what happens to her now…” My voice drifted off.
“Now your mom can’t adopt her?” Luke finished for me and I nodded. I studied his face and I could see why he was such an important person in Lexi’s life. He was a good guy. I didn’t feel jealous of him anymore. How could I? He was my little sister’s best friend. “Well, hopefully another family will adopt her.”
“Someone in Jonesville?”
“Maybe. Or even someone from Illinois or even Missouri. We have a lot of families looking for children. They don’t all need to stay in the State. Shelby can go anywhere. Full rights to her were given up.”
“But she can’t leave Jonesville. How will we see her?” My voice rose with panic. “I just met her, she can’t leave.”
“It’s not going to happen overnight, Bryce.” Luke put his hand on my shoulder again. “You’ll figure out a way to stay in touch.”
“I want her to know.” I said the words before I even thought about them properly. “I want her to know I’m her brother.”
“What about Lexi?”
“She can decide for herself.” I sighed. “But I want Shelby to know today.”
“Don’t you want to discuss it with Lexi first? See what she wants to do as well?”
“No.” My answer was firm. I didn’t know what was going to happen with Lexi, or when. I wanted her to get to know Shelby as well, but I wasn’t going to delay telling her the truth because of that. Lexi had known about Shelby her whole life and she had never told me. I didn’t owe her this now. I hardened my heart to the slight guilt I felt. I loved Lexi, but I wasn’t going to let that love take over everything in my life. “I’d like to tell her when we go back in the room.”
“Okay then.” Luke frowned but he didn’t say anything else to me.
“Don’t judge me, Luke. You haven’t told her about Shelby either.”
“I know.” He looked away. “I hope it wasn’t a mistake.”
“She’s a special girl.”
“Yes.” I heard the smile in his voice and I felt like an as**ole for bringing her up.
“I’m sorry by the way.” I spoke quickly, knowing I had to say something.
“For?”
“Having her heart.”
“Oh.”
“Shall we see if Shelby’s up?” I changed the subject, not wanting to continue the conversation.
“Let me make a call first.” I watched as Luke walked away and I took a seat. My head was pounding but, this time, I wasn’t upset or worried. I was just excited and happy to be alive. I wanted to make my mom proud. I wanted to do something that would make everything worth it. I wanted to be the man that she knew I could be. At twenty-three, I wasn’t much of a man. Yes, the marines had shaped me, strengthened me in some ways, but, ultimately, I’d always hidden behind my façade. I had always told myself that I was a failure, that my whole life was a lie, that I was never the golden boy and could never be. Part of me had rebelled from that label for as long as I could remember. I didn’t think I fit the title and I didn’t think I ever could. But what struck me most, was that I never even tried. I was always defeated before I started. I was always running away from the truth, unable to face up to the pain and stress I felt at not being good enough.
My heart jumped as my phone rang and I looked down at it, eagerly, hoping it was Lexi. I sighed as I saw that it was Anna. I was about to put the phone back in my pocket, unanswered, but decided to answer it. I had treated her badly. In fact, she was most probably the one who was affected the most by what I had said.
“Hi, Anna.”
“Bryce.” Her voice was soft, unsure and I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to hug her.
“Are you okay?” I said, gruffly. “I’m sorry I told Lexi.”
“Don’t apologize, Bryce,” she sighed. “What I did was wrong. I’m glad you told her. It allowed me to air many problems that had been plaguing our friendship.”
“Oh man, I hope you guys are okay.”
“I’m not sure if we’ll ever be okay, but that’s okay.” She cleared her throat and continued. “I was actually calling to see if you’re okay.”
“Me?” I was surprised that she had called after everything that had happened. “I can’t lie, it hurts like hell, but I’m trying to just get through each day as best as I can.”
“My mom died when I was young. I know what it’s like to lose a parent you love.” Her voice was soothing to the ear and I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes and listened. “My words and words from others won’t even patch the pain, but I want you to know I’m here if you ever need me, to talk or whatever.”
“Thank you, Anna.”
“I know that may be hard because of what happened and Lexi and stuff, but I’m here if you ever feel lonely.” She paused and I had the feeling that she was crying.
“What are you doing this afternoon?” I asked her, against my better judgment.
“Nothing, why?” She sounded surprised.
“I was thinking maybe we could hang out, go somewhere and talk.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure.” It seemed to me that Anna needed it more than I did.
“Thanks, do you mind…”
“Picking you up?” I laughed. “Not at all. I’ll text you when I’m on the way.”
As I hung up, I saw Luke in front of me with a curious look on his face, “Who was that?”
“Uh, Lexi,” I lied, for some reason not wanting him to know that I was going to meet Anna.