She shredded my soul with her words, and I reached for her, tunneling my hands through her hair. “I can’t—”
A knock at the door interrupted us, Paisley’s knock. “Come in,” Ember called out, wiping her tears away furiously. “It could be the baby or something,” she whispered, and I nodded.
“Hey, we were just wondering if y’all wanted to…” She stopped mid step in our living room, seeing us over the half wall. “Oh. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Jagger was feeling well enough to stand at the grill for a while and burn some burgers, but why don’t we do it tomorrow night, instead?”
Ember laughed, the sound nearly hysterical. “Oh, that could prove problematic.”
“Everything okay?” she asked.
Ember’s eyes dropped to the swell of Paisley’s stomach, and she forced a sad smile. “Yeah, we’re okay. Just maybe tell Jagger another time?”
Jagger. Shit. I had to tell him, too. “Yeah. Another time. And I need to steal a couple of minutes from him in the morning.”
Her gaze darted between us, but she nodded. “Of course. You two have a lovely evening.”
“Thank you for inviting us,” Ember told her just before Paisley shut the door.
The silence was deafening, as though we had expended every word we had, and now all that hung between us was the poison they’d left behind, killing us both. Ember turned to me and tucked her hair behind her ears. “Okay.”
“What?” I asked.
“I said okay,” she snapped, then squeezed her eyes shut. Her lips pursed, and her hands fisted in front of her on the counter. “Seeing Paisley…” She shook her head and drew a choppy breath. “Jagger. He’d be dead if you hadn’t been there. Paisley would be raising their baby alone, and I can’t imagine…I get it.” Anger vibrated from every line of her body, like she was at war with her words, but she still got them out.
My breath stuttered and my heart split, one side elated that she understood, that I’d fallen in love with a woman so supportive that she was willing to shove her feelings aside for mine. The other part of me hated that I’d brought this incredible woman so low that she was sacrificing her very nature for what she thought was my best interest.
What the fuck had I done to her?
“What time do you need to report in the morning?” she asked, still focused on the counter in front of her.
“Early,” I whispered, walking toward her.
She nodded. “Okay. Okay…okay.” Each repetition got softer, until it was barely a murmur. Her hands opened and closed, like she was trying to grasp something she couldn’t catch, couldn’t hold on to, until her fingers started to shake.
“December…” I whispered her name like the prayer it was and took her face in my hands, overwhelmed by her, by everything she was willing to sacrifice in the name of our love. I was the ultimate selfish asshat, demanding things I had no right to. She was my everything, my reason for existence, and I was her number one source of misery. “God, I love you.”
“Don’t. Don’t talk about loving me in the same breath you want to say good-bye. I may understand why you’re doing this, but it doesn’t mean that I agree, or that I’m happy about it.”
“It doesn’t change how much I love you,” I promised.
“Love has never been the issue between us, Josh. Loving you is second nature to me. But as proud as I am that you’re the kind of man to do this, to be the hero and volunteer to go back…” Something rare and precious died in her eyes. I saw the change happen, the moment my choice changed her. “A part of me hates…” Her eyes drifted shut. “Hates what you’re doing to me, to us.”
Hates me. That’s what she meant. Her words reverberated in my head as if she’d shot me with them. She had every right to. She’d never wanted this life, but I’d forced my way into hers, past her defenses, her protests. My chest tightened with an unbelievable pressure, like my heart took her side and was ready to claw its way out of my chest, abandon me, to be with her. Of course a part of her hated me. Hell, I hated myself. “Is your hate deeper than your love?”
Her eyes narrowed. “I hate that you made this choice without me. I hate that this is what you need, like I’m not enough to make you whole. I hate that I change everything about my life to accommodate yours, because there’s not a lot of room for an ‘ours’ right now. I hate that the minute you walk out that door, I’ll just be waiting for someone to knock on it again, and I hate how much I love you. But never in a million years could I hate you. And I almost wish I could!”
She didn’t pause, didn’t really end the argument. One minute she was yelling at me, and the next second she was in my arms, her fingers in my hair, her mouth pressed against mine. What the hell? She caught me completely off guard for maybe two seconds, but the feel of her lips was all I needed, and we were on the same page.
She’s using this to vent, hiding behind it just like you used to.
Fuck, but I didn’t care. I swept one arm under her ass and lifted her into my arms where she belonged. If I only had one last night with her before I ripped our hearts apart, I was going to make every second count. Every kiss. Every touch. Every time she cried out my name.
I was going to love her like I’d never get the chance to again.
Chapter Thirty-One
EMBER