“You don’t think I know that? This is for the best. I’ve put her through hell the last few months, and she didn’t deserve it. Not any of this. If she’s done with me, I can’t blame her. She can go back to Turkey, and I can…” Move out? Walk away? Fuck, the thought hurt more than a fucking bullet.
He shook his head. “Damn, Josh. I know you’re used to being her rock. You’re used to swooping in and saving her like you did when her dad died. But Ember is a hell of a lot stronger now. She doesn’t need you to save her—she needs you to save yourself. Sort your fucking head out before you lose her. You’ll never find another woman that loves you like she does.”
“I don’t want another woman.” Ever. She was it for me, and if I lost her, everyone else would pale in comparison.
He zipped up the bag. “Then what the hell are you doing?”
I threaded my hands through my hair and closed my eyes. “What she needs.” I repeated it in my head, my personal mantra to get me through this shit.
He scoffed. “Do you even want to fly SOAR?”
My eyes opened. “No. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Will never got to.”
“For fuck’s sake. Didn’t you learn anything watching Paisley struggle with Peyton? You can’t live for someone who’s dead.”
“It’s not the same,” I snapped.
“Oh? How?” He folded his arms over his chest.
“Paisley didn’t get Peyton killed.”
Jagger’s posture softened, and he rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m too sleep-deprived for this shit. You did not get Will killed. If anyone shoulders that blame it’s me, and if I can function, you can, too. Because Carter would kick your ass for what you’re doing right now. If you don’t want to fly SOAR why would you put Ember through that?”
I didn’t answer, but I didn’t have to. Jagger had been my best friend for years and knew me entirely too well.
He paused, then swore under his breath. “You did it so she’d take the job.”
I nodded.
“Because she was going to stay here for you.”
I swallowed back the growing boulder in my throat and nodded again.
“I can’t decide if you’re the most unselfish asshole on the planet or the most manipulative.”
“She said she wanted the job. The only reason she wasn’t taking it was for me. Do you have any idea what she’s given up to be with me? What she risks?”
“They all do. Every woman who marries a military guy takes that same risk. They might not have the same scars Ember does, but they all know the same fear. Morgan, Sam, Paisley, Ember…they all knew what they were doing. They were all willing to change their lives for love.”
“So, I’m supposed to watch her give up everything she worked her ass off for, and then leave her with what? A kiss and a prayer that she won’t hold a folded flag? She deserves better. A hell of a lot better than me.”
Jagger shook his head and clasped my shoulder. “Trust her to make her own choices.”
“I won’t be the reason. I won’t hold her back. If it means taking myself out of the equation, then I’ll do it. She’s already given up too much for me.”
“You still love her?”
My soul burned with the thought of her smile, her tenacity, her insane level of courage. “With everything I am. Hell, she is everything I am.”
“Then you need to make it clear that she can have both—you and her dig.”
“And the SOAR stuff?”
“That’s between you and that heavy-ass guilt you’re carrying. I’m not going to tell you not to do it if it’s what you think you have to do. We all owe our debts to Will, and we all pay differently. You just have to decide if your guilt is worth losing Ember.”
“I don’t know how to live without her.”
“Then stop standing here like a whiny bitch, get out the kneepads, and hit your knees. Beg. Plead. You, of all people, taught me the value of laying our shit bare, of fighting for the women we love.”
“She took the ring off, and I basically told her it was okay. I gave her the out. How the hell do I fight that?” It was all I could say, because it was all I could think. How could she walk away when I couldn’t so much as contemplate a life without her?
Because you made her, you jackass.
“Then put it back on her hand. Don’t accept the invitation to assess for SOAR. Fix your mess, Josh. She’s stood by you through a hell of a lot.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I get it. You’ve walked through Hell these last six months, and I love you like a brother. You saved my life, and I will never be able to repay you for that.”
“Jagger, don’t.” I couldn’t take one more thank-you.
“But because I love you, I will kick your fucking ass if you don’t loosen your sphincter to let your head out.”
My head snapped toward his. “You know I can physically take you, right?”
“Yeah, well, it’s worth the risk. You two have always been what I’ve looked up to, and I’m not really thrilled that Paisley and I are beating you out in the ‘stable couple’ department. Hell, Grayson and Sam are beating you, even with all their drama. Get. A. Fucking. Grip. Or you’ll be right, and she’ll be gone. You can be the badass SOAR pilot, and you can fly the covert missions, but it’s going to cost you Ember. Even if she stays with you, that mission will eat a hole in her soul, and you know it.”