I just grabbed the paper from her hand and stuffed it in my front pocket. “Thanks,” I said, attempting an appreciative smile that just curled my lip slightly to one side. I looked down at my lap, thinking about how my belly would grow soon. I knew what this all meant, but it also didn’t seem real. It didn’t feel like I had a baby, Reed’s baby, growing inside me. But science, I suppose, begged to differ.
“What do you want to do?” Sarah said, instantly regretting it and trying to fix it. “I mean, right now. Not, about…that. Sorry…” she just grimaced.
“It’s okay, I know what you meant,” I said, pulling myself to my feet and smoothing out my shorts. “I guess I’ll go home. I have a ton of studying to do, and I have to get a huge paper out of the way before we head to Tucson tomorrow.” In my mind, I conceded, that I might be in denial.
“Are you sure? You can stay here if you want, Calley doesn’t mind,” she was acting fragile toward me.
I shrugged a bit and let out a heavy breath. “No, it’s okay. I promise,” I lied. I was not okay.
Sarah walked me to the bottom of her steps, her face heavy with wanting to talk, but not knowing what to say. I could tell, and I loved her for it. But truthfully, there really weren’t any words I wanted to hear right now. I wasn’t used to this new starting line that life had thrown me, and I needed to get used to the new game board, figure it out and know what my rules were.
By the time I printed my final paper and proofed it, it was a little after 10 p.m. Reed would be home from his dinner soon, and I knew he’d be calling me. My mind was still pushing the new information to the back—the proof of that in the paper I had just finished writing, which was likely my best work to date.
I brought my phone into the bathroom and set it on the towel rack in case Reed called while I was showering. My body ached, and I just needed a little steam on my face to help me reset things, to think.
The hot water was like an eraser for my anxiety, my shoulders suddenly relaxing and my face almost smiling at the splash against my cheeks. I pumped a handful of body wash into my hand and smoothed it over my neck and shoulders, rubbing the smooth peach-scented wash over my chest and then stomach, my hands instantly stopping and holding protectively the spot around my belly button, instantly bringing me back to reality.
Looking down, I thought hard about what was inside me. For the briefest moment, I thought to myself how I wished it never happened. I didn’t want this. I. Did. Not. Want. This. Baby. Then I slid down to sit on the shower floor and cried harder than I ever had, ashamed of what I’d just thought and wanting to delete the words from existence.
I left the shower stall when the water turned cool. My skin was wrinkled from the soaking, and my hair hadn’t really been washed, but I was too weak to finish the job. Wrapping my hair in a towel, I wrapped another around my body and picked up my phone, flopping myself on my bed to wait for Reed’s call.
When the phone rang near 11 p.m., I forced myself to answer it. Somewhere between the time of my shower and now, I had decided I was going to pretend—at least for a little while.
“Hey you,” I forced myself to be chipper.
“Ah that’s a sound for…sore eyes? No, wait. That’s not how that goes. Aw hell, you know what I mean,” he chuckled. “Sorry I’m so late.”
He sounded so good. Everything about his voice was everything I needed. Frozen a little with the fear of losing it all, I sat up strong and pushed everything deeper. “It’s okay; I just finished my paper and took a shower. How was your dinner?”
“Hmmmm, well…” he was thinking.
“Was it bad?” I couldn’t tell from his hedging.
“No, it’s just…well. Are you sure you want to talk about this? It’s sort of that topic that we took off the table until our weekend,” he said carefully. I loved him for how much he respected me and my stupid worries. But suddenly, his entering the draft was the least of my worries. Never mind the fact that the news I was holding onto could ruin everything. For tonight, I wanted to pretend. And so I did.
“Yeah, it’s okay. I want to know, talk to me. I like to hear your voice, and you seem excited,” I said. His voice was animated, and I could tell that his mind was made up, if only I would get on board.
“Okay, if you’re sure,” he waited for a few seconds. “Well, I met with Brent Nichols. He’s huge, Noles. He’s repped so many amazing athletes. And of course, well, he’s on the board for the children’s foundation, the same one that my mom sits on. She sort of set this up, drove down here for dinner and everything.”