When our hour was done, I just shrugged at Kira, who still smiled and hugged me despite my lack of enthusiasm for the day.
“Sorry, I don’t think I was very creative today,” I said.
She smiled to let me know it was okay. Kira didn’t speak when she could find a way around it, and that’s what made me sad the most. Because I’d read some of the things she’d written…and her words were beautiful.
Sarah called while I was walking back to my dorm. It was the afternoon now, so she was on Nolan duty.
“Hey, I’m outside. You should be proud of me,” I was monotone and defensive out of habit. She was starting to harass me lately about my hair, and general look, calling me a vampire and recluse, which I suppose was not so far from the truth.
“Wow, she breathes! To what does the world owe this honor of your presence in the outdoors and sunlight,” she sniped.
I laughed a bit, short and breathy. “Very funny. I had a special tutoring session,” I said.
“Ah, gotcha. Thank god you have those, otherwise we might not ever get you out of that damn room of yours,” Sarah said. She had quit being nice a few days ago. “Well, shower up when you get home. We’re going out shopping today. Sienna’s here, and we’re making it a girls’ day…” She had that tone, the superior one.
“Sar…I’m not feeling it. Can’t we just check out Netflix and crash on the sofa or something?” I was going to lose my battle, I knew.
“Yeah, uh…no. We’re going shopping. And then we’re going to come back to my place, pretty your ass up, and go out to this new sushi place…” I tried to interject, but she just barreled right through my words. “Ah, ah…stop talking. And then…we are going to a club. And you are going to dance—with other guys, who are not Reed. Or Gavin. Or anything like either of them. And we are going to drink shots, off of guys. Well, Sienna says she’s not, but we’ll see…owwww! Don’t hit me! Sorry, Sienna just punched my arm. Anyhow, get your ass over here before we have to come get you. You’ve got 15 minutes.”
Deflated, I slumped my shoulders and walked the rest of the way to my dorm room. I didn’t bother to change into anything spectacular after I showered, because I knew Sarah would just make me change again anyhow, so I pulled on my sweatpants and giant long-sleeved T-shirt that had somehow become my uniform lately and threw some make up and hair stuff in a bag. I was locking up and forcing myself to keep moving forward when I ran into Gavin at the stairs. He looked a little surprised to see me out during the day.
“Wow, haven’t seen you out in a while,” he was sort of mocking me now.
“Thanks for the reminder,” I wasn’t in the mood for him.
“Sorry…that was mean. I’m…just sorry,” he looked down at his feet. “So, you’ve missed a few psych classes. We had a quiz this week.”
I just looked at him, like he was transparent. I was on my way to failing. I felt so far behind that I just couldn’t see how I’d ever be able to catch up. I’d gotten an email from two of my professors this week alerting me that I was in grade trouble. They encouraged me to see them. But I knew I wouldn’t. I was pretty sure I could pull out at least a C, but I’d probably have to take both of the classes again. And even then, I was going to be on scholarship probation. My parents were going to be livid.
“Nolan, I can help you catch up. I can share my notes with you on what you’ve missed. We got an A on the testing project. You aren’t that far behind,” he leaned into me a little, trying to shock me into a response. Instead, I just recoiled a bit from his touch. This boy, who seemed so smart and handsome a month ago, just felt like the enemy to me now. I hated him.
“Thanks, but I’ll be okay,” I said, moving by him to continue down the stairs. Before I could get far, though, he had his hand on my shoulder and was stopping me.
“Noles, please don’t go. I feel…I feel like you’re mad at me. I promise, I heard what you said. I get it. I know that we’re friends. I can’t lie and say I won’t stop wanting more. But I’ll try to quit asking for it. Just don’t shut me out, okay?” he was pleading with me in his eyes. And I didn’t like that he’d called me Noles. That wasn’t his name to say. Rather than make a scene, or draw this conversation out any longer, though, I just smiled instead.
“I’m not mad at you. I just have a lot of things I’m working through. I appreciate the space,” I said, looking him square in the eyes to hope he truly did understand. But I still saw the hope in his face. No matter what, I wouldn’t be running to him.