I stay quiet, waiting for the but. It’s coming.
“But, I guess the bottom line is that I don’t want to do it anymore. I have this whole life of plans and goals and things that don’t mesh well with death and the dead. I thought I could do both. That I could have both. But I can’t. So I’m choosing the other way.” Her chin is raised, ready for a fight, waiting for me to attack her. The funny thing is, I don’t want to. Carmel’s not tied to this like I am, or even like Thomas is. Nobody raised her to be a witch, or forged her blood with steel who knows how many hundreds of years ago. She can choose. And despite my friendship with Thomas, I can’t be angry about that.
“I suppose I have really bad timing,” she says. “With everything that’s happening with Anna.”
“It’s okay,” I say. “And it isn’t selfish. I mean, it is, but … it’s good. What’s less good is you throwing Derek in Thomas’s face like that.”
She shakes her head guiltily. “It was the only way I could think of that would make him let go.”
“It was cold, Carmel. The kid loves you. You know that, right? If you talked to him, he’d—”
“Give it all up?” She smiles. “I’d never ask him to do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love him too.” She bites her lip and fidgets. Her arms are crossed over her chest to the point of hugging herself. Whatever it looked like on that last day of school, the decision Carmel made didn’t come easy. She’s still wavering on it. I can see it swirling around in her head. She wants to ask whether she’s making a mistake, whether she’ll regret it, but she’s scared of what I’d say.
“You’ll take care of him, won’t you?” she asks.
“I’ll be here if he needs me. I’ll watch his back.”
Carmel smiles. “Better watch all sides. He can be downright clumsy sometimes.” Her face sort of crumples and she wipes at her cheek quickly, maybe wicking away a tear. “I’m going to miss him, Cas. You have no idea how much I’m going to miss him.”
That’s my cue to walk over and deliver the most awkward hug she’s ever received. But she takes it, and leans what feels like her whole weight onto my shoulder.
“We’re going to miss you too, Carmel,” I say.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Thomas, you home?”
I knock a few times, but the door’s open when I try it. Poking my head into the house, I don’t see anything out of place. Morfran and Thomas keep things pretty clean, for a pair of bachelors. The only complaint anyone could have is that they’re always killing the houseplants. I whistle for Stella, but I’m not surprised when she doesn’t come. Morfran’s car is gone and she’s always with him at the shop. I close the door behind me and walk farther in, through the kitchen. There’s muffled music coming from Thomas’s closed bedroom door. I knock briefly and then twist the knob.
“Thomas?”
“Hey, Cas.”
The scene isn’t what I expected. He’s up, dressed, and on the move, walking from his cluttered desk to his even more cluttered bed. There are books open everywhere, and loose-leaf papers strewn around. He’s got his laptop up too, sitting in the middle of about three filled ashtrays. Gross. There’s a lit cigarette between his fingers and smoke follows him in a languid, lifting tail.
“I tried to call,” I say, stepping farther in.
“I shut my phone off,” he says, and puffs on the cigarette. His hands are shaking and he’s not looking at me. He just keeps on turning pages. This is what Thomas looks like on a bender, chain-smoking and drowning in research. How long has it been since he’s eaten? Or slept?
“You should ease up on those.” I gesture to the cigarette, and he looks at it like he forgot it was there before snuffing it out in an already full ashtray. The action seems to jar him a bit and he stops and scratches his head like someone waking up from a dream.
“I guess I have been smoking a lot,” he says, and licks his lips. When he swallows, his face is disgusted and he pushes the ashtray away. “Yuck. Maybe now I’ll finally quit.”
“Maybe.”
“So, what are you doing here?”
I give him an incredulous look. “Checking up on you,” I say. “It’s been four days. I thought at the very least I’d come over here and find you with your hair dyed black, listening to Staind.”
He smiles. “Well, it was touch and go there for a few days.”