Seth sucked in an unsteady breath. Exhaustion settled, making him feel like he’d just run a marathon.
“Just…go inside, Jason,” he muttered. “Please…go inside.”
Eyes shining with tears, the little boy hurried away without a word.
Should’ve been you.
The weight on his shoulders was so heavy he couldn’t stay upright anymore. He sagged to the ground, crushing his cigarette on the grass and bringing his knees up. He rested an elbow on his knee and dropped his forehead in his hand. He blinked rapidly but the tears came anyway. Burning his eyes, choking him up.
He had to go inside. He knew that. He couldn’t leave Miranda’s children alone for too long.
But goddammit, how the hell was he supposed to face that little boy?
Pain streaked through him. He couldn’t do it. He needed to call Miranda and ask her to come home. He shouldn’t be responsible for the safety of her children. Any children. He shouldn’t—
Seth jumped when he felt a warm hand on his arm.
“Don’t cry, Sef.”
Sophie’s voice was so gentle and so sweet that his throat clogged right back up.
He swiped a hand over his wet eyes. For the life of him, he couldn’t shrug off Sophie’s hand, and when she placed it over his, he was floored by how small her fingers were. All five of them barely covered two of his knuckles. She was innocent and tiny and fragile and she shouldn’t be around him, damn it. The thought brought a fresh wave of moisture to his eyes.
Christ, he couldn’t sit here crying like a f**king pansy. He had to call Miranda and tell her to come home.
Sophie flopped down on the grass beside him, then wiggled her way beneath his arm so that he had no choice but to sling it around her slender shoulders. She peered up at him, those brown eyes shining with encouragement, and then she reached up and touched the trail of tears on his cheek.
“’S’okay, Sef. I cry when I’m sad too.”
His shoulders sagged in defeat, his arm tightening around her, bringing the little girl close to his side. “I lost him,” he croaked.
“No, you didn’t. I’m right here.”
A somber Jason appeared in front of them, his face red and tear-streaked. He still had the uniform on, that damn uniform, but for the first time since the kid had come home, Seth’s vision was seeing everything clearly. He saw Jason’s brown eyes, not Adam’s gray ones. Jason’s short brown hair, not Adam’s unruly black curls.
As guilt swelled in his gut and stung his eyes, he met the boy’s gaze. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
Jason sniffled. Took a step closer.
“I was…upset. When you came home, you reminded me of someone else. I looked at you and I saw someone else.” He wiped his eyes, grateful that none of his teammates were bearing witness to this show of pure and utter weakness. “I’m so sorry, Jason.”
“Who did you see?” the boy asked, taking another curious step forward.
“My little brother. He was about your age. He’s…he’s in heaven now.”
Another explosion of guilt hit him square in the chest. Breathing through it, he held out his hand, beckoning Jason.
Without hesitation, Miranda’s son plopped down on Seth’s other side and snuggled close. Sophie was still holding his hand, and now Jason held his other one. The warmth radiating from those little fingers seeped into his body, which had grown cold and weary from the excruciating emotions threatening to consume him.
“Did you cry when your brother went to heaven?” Sophie asked.
Seth slowly shook his head. “No. I never did.”
“You shoulda. Mommy says it’s okay to cry when you get sad.”
“You can keep crying now if you want,” Jason offered. “We won’t laugh at you, right, Soph?”
“Right,” she confirmed.
Damned if that didn’t get him all f**king teary-eyed again.
“Thanks, guys. But I’m thinking I’m all cried out. I’m kinda hungry, though. What do you say we order that pizza now?”
He stood up, heaving the twins up with him. Then, before he could question himself, he lifted them both into his arms, eliciting a pair of delighted gasps. Two sets of arms wrapped around his neck, clinging tight, but he didn’t feel smothered. As he breathed in the scent of sweet kiddie shampoo, something shifted in his chest. Heart might’ve cracked a little bit too.
He glanced down at Jason, then Sophie. “I’m sorry. I really am sorry I was such a big jerk to you guys all those times.”
“’S’okay,” Jason said with a shrug.
“’S’okay,” Sophie chimed in.
Was it, though? He tried to keep his spirits up as he carried the kids into the house, but in the back of his mind, he knew that it wasn’t okay. And soon Miranda would know it too.
Chapter Seventeen
As Dylan waited outside Aidan’s door he was suddenly reminded of why he’d been so eager to get the hell out of Marin County ten years ago. He loved the house he’d grown up in, loved his mom and his brother and his dad, God bless his soul, but living in that bubble of normalcy had been so f**king oppressive at times. Everyone at his high school had been preppy and conservative to the core, and he could only imagine what his old friends would say if they knew that at this very moment, he was standing on the doorstep of a man he desperately wanted to have sex with.