I spin away quietly, tears welling in my eyes. I’m not a crier. Never have been. But now I have the sudden urge to curl up into a ball and wail against the unfairness of it all.
Slipping out the exit door, I grab the van keys and hop back in. I need to get away for a bit and think what to do. I have to really decide if I’m selfish enough to keep Garrett, knowing that I might be dooming him.
—
Garrett moves inside me with almost painful slowness. He’s making love to me…not fucking…and there’s a world of difference. His gaze holds mine, love shining bright and deep. He leans down to kiss me tenderly, his hips languidly pumping. It feels amazing…our connection going deeper than it ever has before.
And each thrust into my body fills me up with care even as it hurts my heart. Because, yet again, I’m shamelessly taking what Garrett is offering me, knowing that every second our relationship forges stronger, it will be that much worse for him if something happens to me.
I know he didn’t mean it today when he said I’m an obligation to him. I know he meant only that I’m important to him…more important than even hockey.
Another stab of guilt.
Because my illness and every bit of the unknown that comes with it is a stain on his soul.
And when I stain his soul, I stain my own.
It makes what we have not so bright. It darkens it and fills me with anxiety and dread.
“You with me, baby?” Garrett breathes out as he pushes in extra deep.
“Yes,” I whisper, wrapping my hands around his neck. I pull him down for another kiss, and I try to pour out through my actions every bit of the love I’m feeling for him at this moment. I love him so damn much…and that hurts even more. “I’m with you.”
For now.
Garrett reaches his hand down between our bodies, stroking me with his fingertips and causing my climax to start sparking.
“I’m close. Let’s do this together,” Garrett growls, and my heart cracks wide over the double meaning to those words.
Pressing his fingers against me hard, I jerk, moan in response, and thrust my hips against his. My heart might be all kinds of fucked up, but my body wants him badly. It craves this connection, even as my head tells me it’s so very wrong to lead him down this path.
One more deep stroke into me and I start to come apart. I let it seep through me…overwhelm and hurtle me toward the ultimate, intimate connection with this man. Garrett’s body tightens, his eyes squeeze shut, and the muscles in his neck tense as he starts to come in me…with me.
He’s beautiful, magnificent, the most amazing man I’ll ever know.
The most incredible human being that I’ll leave behind.
A tiny sob bursts out of my mouth and tears leak from my eyes. Garrett stares down at me, his brow furrowing in worry. “Are you okay?”
I nod vigorously and paste a smile on my face. “Yes. That was just…a little overwhelming. Caught me off guard.”
The smile he gives me is brilliant and he leans down to brush his lips on mine briefly. I can still feel him pulsing inside me as I accept his kiss. “Everything about you overwhelms me,” he murmurs. “But I don’t want you to ever stop overwhelming me, okay?”
I can’t even respond, instead choosing to pull him back down and deepen the kiss. I pour every bit of my love into it, hoping he understands how strong my feelings are for him. I can’t give him the words, because I don’t want to give him false expectations. I don’t want to give him any reason to love me more.
Garrett rolls off me, pulling me right along with him so he can wrap me up tight in those magnificent arms. I lay my cheek on his chest and stare blindly at my bedroom window. We’re silent…letting the afterglow of those amazing orgasms settle in. His fingertips stroke my arm, then my hip. His lips caress my forehead.
I figure now is as good a time as any to start making the break.
“Listen…I think I’m going to go visit my mom,” I say hesitantly. “I have some vacation stored up and I’m missing her a lot lately.”
Garrett’s arms squeeze around me. “I think that’s a great idea. Although I’m going to miss you like crazy.”
Yeah, I’m going to miss you too, I think to myself. More than crazy. Probably in an utterly insane type of way.
“I’m not sure how long I’ll stay,” I venture further. I know I can’t stay away forever, because I’ll have to come back for my next treatment, but I need to be gone long enough to put some emotional distance between us. “I have a lot of vacation, and Stevie will give me extra time if I need it.”
“I’m sure he will,” Garrett muses. “He adores you. And your mom is going to be so happy.”
“Yeah, she will,” I mutter, because I don’t know how to say what I am really aiming to accomplish.
“Is it bad form and completely selfish if I say that I’m going to hate you being gone?” Garrett asks, his voice impish with teasing.
“Not selfish at all,” I choke out.
Not selfish the way I’ve been.
“When will you leave?” he asks good-naturedly. “I want to make sure I wring as many orgasms out of you as I can before then.”
“I’m not sure,” I say distractedly. “In a few days.”
Garrett pushes me up off his body and rolls to the side so he can face me. “What’s wrong with you? You totally didn’t take the bait over me teasing you about orgasms. Tell me what’s wrong, baby.”