She shook her head. “I want us to figure things out together. And that will take time.”
Soon it was too warm to sit outside, so Gabriel and Julia returned to the house and settled themselves in the living room. He reclined on the leather sofa, while Julia made herself comfortable in one of the red velvet chairs.
“Should we address the elephant in the room?” she asked.
He nodded, suddenly tense.
“Um, I’ll start. I want to get to know you again. I want to be your partner.”
“I want you to be a good deal more than that,” whispered Gabriel.
Julia shook her head vehemently. “It’s too soon. You took away my choices, Gabriel. You have to stop doing that or we aren’t going to get very far.”
His face fell.
“What is it?” she asked, dreading his answer.
“I don’t regret trying to save your career. I wish we could have come to a consensus about it. But when I saw you in danger, I reacted. And what’s more, so would you if I were in danger.”
Julia felt her anger rise. “So this whole conversation, your apologies, mean nothing?”
“Of course not! I should have talked to you before I did anything. But if you expect me to be the sort of man who watches the woman he loves lose her dreams, then I can’t meet your expectations. I’m sorry.”
Julia flushed a brilliant red. “So we’re right back where we started?”
“I didn’t hold it against you when you went out of your way to protect me from Christa, or from the committee. I didn’t hold your harassment email against you, even though we both agree it was a mistake. Can’t you give me the same consideration? Can’t you give me grace, Julianne? Your grace?”
Despite his pleading tone, Julia wasn’t listening. At that moment, all she heard was Gabriel discounting her objections. Again.
She shook her head and walked to the door.
Here was the fork in the road, where the paths diverged. She could walk through the door, and everything with Gabriel would be over. There would be no third chance. Or she could stay, knowing that he refused to see his damned heroics in front of the committee as anything problematic.
She hesitated.
“Let me love you, Julianne. The way that you should be loved.”
He stood behind her, his lips vibrating against her ear. She could feel the warmth of his body radiating through her clothes and against her back.
“I am your faithful one, Beatrice. Of course I want to protect you. Nothing will change that.”
“I would rather have had you than Harvard.”
“Now you can have both.”
She turned around. “At what cost? Don’t tell me that our situation didn’t damage us, possibly irreparably.”
He brushed her hair over one shoulder and pressed his lips to the bare side of her neck. “Forgive me. I promise I won’t rob you of your dignity or our partnership. But I won’t stand by and watch you get hurt when I can prevent it. Don’t make me to revert to being a selfish bastard.”
In stubborn annoyance, Julia took a step toward the door, but Gabriel caught her arm.
“In a perfect world, there would always be communication and consultation between partners. But we don’t live in that world. There are emergencies and dangerous, vindictive people. Is my desire to keep you from harm so great a sin that you would leave me over it?”
When she remained silent, he continued. “I will do my utmost to make decisions with you and not for you. But I make no apologies for wanting you to be safe and happy. I won’t be beholden to the rule that I have to consult you before I act in cases of emergency.
“You want me to treat you like an equal. I want the same treatment. That means that you need to trust me to make the best decision I can, given the information I have, without being omniscient. Or perfect.”
“I’d rather have you alive and carrying your shield than have you dead and covered by it.” She sounded obstinate.
Gabriel laughed. “I think the battle of Thermopylae is behind us, darling. But I share your sentiment and would ask the same of you. My little warrior.”
He kissed her neck again. “Take my ring.” He quickly slipped the wedding ring from his left hand and held it over her right shoulder. “I wore this to signify the fact that my heart, my life was yours.”
She hesitantly took the ring from his hand and slipped it on one of her thumbs.
“I’ll sell this damn house. I only bought it to be close to you. But I can find an apartment until we choose a home together.”
“You just moved in. And I know you love the garden.” Julia sighed.
“Then tell me what you want. We can take our time without making promises about the future. But please forgive me. Teach me, and I promise I will be your most willing student.”
When she was silent and unmoving for several minutes, Gabriel took her hand, leading her from the living room upstairs to his bedroom.
“What are you doing?” she asked as they approached the door.
“I need to hold you in my arms, and I think that you need to be held. That damn sofa is too narrow for both of us. Please.” He led her to the bed and positioned himself on his back with open arms, inviting her to wrap herself around him.
She hesitated. “What about Rebecca?”
“She won’t disturb us.”
Julia was unwilling to return to his bed simply because he invited her, and so she looked around for something, anything, to distract him.
“What are these?” She pointed at what looked like two groupings of large picture frames that were leaning against one of the walls and covered by a sheet.
“Look at them.”
Julia crouched down on the hardwood floor and removed the sheet. There were about ten large photographs, stacked in two groups of five, all black and white. All featured Julia. Some included Gabriel.
She hadn’t seen most of them before as they had been framed after their separation. There were photographs from Belize, from Italy, and posed photographs that had served as part of her Christmas present to Gabriel. All were startlingly beautiful and amative.
“It was difficult for me to look at them when I thought I’d lost you. But as you can see, I kept them.”
Gabriel watched as Julia looked through the photographs once more before studying his favorite, a picture of her lying on her stomach on a bed in Belize.
“What happened to the old ones? The ones you had before you met me?”
“Long gone. I didn’t need or want them anymore.”
She placed the sheet over the pictures before walking to the bed. She looked conflicted.
Gabriel reached out his hand. “Relax. I just want to hold you.”
She allowed herself to be pulled into his arms so she could nestle against his chest.
“That’s better,” he murmured, kissing her forehead. “I want to earn your trust and your respect. I want to be your husband.”
Julia was quiet for a moment, holding her breath, as his words sunk into her consciousness. “I want us to take things slowly. No more talk of marriage.”
“Fortunately, I can wait.” He kissed her once again.
This time, the kiss escalated. Hands roamed to find purchase on muscles and curves, mouths connected determinedly, punctuated by sighs and almost breathless moans, hearts began to beat faster. It was a kiss to mark a reunion, to pledge the continuation of fidelity and love. Gabriel kissed her to show her that he loved her, that he was sorry.
Julia kissed him back to tell him that she could never give her heart to anyone else. That she was hopeful their shared imperfections, once acknowledged and explored, could be ameliorated in order to provide both of them with a healthy, happy life.
She pulled away first. She could hear his quickened breathing, and it cheered her that they still had this spark between them.
“I don’t expect our relationship to be perfect. But there are some things we need to work out and whether that takes a therapist or not, I know it’s going to take time.”
He met her gaze. “I agree. I want to be able to court you as I was unable to back in Toronto. I want to hold your hand as we walk down the street. I’d like to take you to the symphony and kiss you on your front steps.”
Julia laughed. “We were lovers, Gabriel. You have photographs of the two of us in bed together, just over there. Would you really be satisfied with simply courting me?”
He wove their fingers together. “I want the chance to make things up to you—to treat you the way I should have treated you all along.”
“You were always very generous in bed,” she deflected.
“But selfish in other ways. Which is why I won’t make love to you until I regain your trust.”
Chapter 47
“Come again?”
At least, that’s what Julia wanted to say, but given the context she held her tongue. Somehow, her remark didn’t quite seem consonant with his declaration.
“I’m worried that if we have sex, it will short circuit the kind of changes we need to make.”
“So you want to wait?”
He gave her a scorching look. “No, Julianne, I don’t want to wait. I want to make love to you now and for the rest of the week. I know we should wait.”
Her eyes widened as she realized that he was serious.
He kissed her tenderly. “If we’re going to be partners, there has to be trust. If you don’t trust me with your mind, how can you trust me with your body?”
“I think you said that once before.”
“We’ve come full circle.” He cleared his throat. “And so there isn’t a misunderstanding, when I say trust, I mean completely. I’m hopeful that in time your anger will disappear and you’ll forgive me. I’m hopeful that we’ll be able to work out our need to protect one another, without causing another crisis.” He looked over at her expectantly.
“I should have waited until you were no longer my student before we became involved. I told myself that because we weren’t sleeping together, we weren’t breaking any rules. But I was wrong. And you’re the one who had to pay the price.” He searched her eyes. “You don’t believe me.”
“Oh, no. I believe you. But the Professor Emerson I knew and loved wasn’t exactly a proponent of abstinence.”
He frowned. “Perhaps you’re forgetting how our relationship began. We abstained the night we met and a good many nights afterward.”
She kissed his mouth repentantly. “Of course. I’m sorry.”
He rolled onto his side, looking into her eyes. “I’m absolutely aching to feel you in my arms, to be joined with you, body and soul. But when I’m inside you, I want you to know that I will never leave you. That you are mine and I am yours, forever.” His voice grew rough. “That we’re married.”
“Come again?”
“I want to marry you. When I make love to you again, I want to be your husband.”
When she gaped at him, he continued quickly. “Richard showed me the kind of man I want to become—a man who spends the rest of his life loving one woman. I want to make vows to you before God and stand in front of our families and make promises to you.”