“My silence isn’t meant to hurt you.”
“It does.” She huffed in frustration. “How can I be your partner when you won’t talk to me?”
“Julianne, I’m going to talk to you. I promise I won’t do anything without discussing it with you. I just need to—figure out a few things first.”
“Can’t you figure them out with me? I’m a good listener. I can help.”
“You are a good listener. The best. But sometimes a man needs to do things alone.”
“Is that man-speak for ‘Don’t worry your pretty little head, darlin’?”
“Man-speak?” He chuckled, pressing his lips to her palm. “You’re adorable.”
She pulled away, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Now is not a good time to be patronizing, Gabriel.”
He rolled to his side and kissed the wrinkle between her eyebrows. “I’m not patronizing you. You are adorable.” He paused, his eyes focused and intense. “You need to be a mother. Seeing you with the children—how loving and at ease you are. You’re a natural.”
“Today was a special day. Your ponies were a hit.”
“You were right, as usual.”
“Then why are you so sad?”
“I can’t stand to leave them there.” Gabriel’s eyes and tone evidenced his distress.
Julia observed him, realizing that whatever distress he felt at the orphanage had been very well hidden.
“The children are treated nicely. The staff love them. They’re safe.”
“It’s still an orphanage.”
“Yes.” Julia pushed a curl back from his forehead. She ran her fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe him.
“I know what it’s like,” he said quietly. “When my mother died, there were several months when I didn’t know where I’d end up. It could have been an orphanage or foster care. I could have been shipped back to New York to live with my mother’s family. I was in limbo, never knowing if someone was going to show up to take me away or if Grace and Richard were going to tire of me and pack my bags.”
“They would never have done that.”
“I didn’t know. They were strangers to me. I wasn’t especially adoptable. My father disowned me, and my mother’s family didn’t want me. They would have left me to an orphanage—my own flesh and blood. Now do you understand why I don’t want anything to do with them?”
Julia placed her hand against his face. “Yes. But you were very adoptable. Grace and Richard were attached to you from the beginning.”
“If they hadn’t taken me, what would have happened?”
“There’s no point in going down that road. You have a family that loves you and you have me.”
“You’re everything, Julianne.”
The beauty of his words pierced her heart. She leaned forward to kiss him, trying to show how much his words meant to her.
When she pulled away, he grasped her hand at the wrist. “We could adopt.”
“I thought you wanted to try to have a child first.”
He looked away.
“Has something changed?” she pressed, noting his body language.
“Children like Maria deserve a home. She doesn’t even speak!” Gabriel became visibly agitated.
“Maybe we should try to help Elena find a family for her. You know lots of people.”
“What about us?”
“Us?”
“Why don’t we take her?”
Julia searched his eyes, surprised to discover that he was serious.
“Sweetheart, we aren’t in the best position to take home a toddler.”
“We love each other and we’d love her. We have a house and a yard. We speak Italian.”
“Maria is a toddler with special needs and we’re first-time parents. I’m already worried about making mistakes.”
Gabriel sat up. “How could you make a mistake? You are everything that is good and gentle. Children are drawn to you.”
“I’m not ready.”
“What if you had help? I’m owed a sabbatical. That was part of my agreement with BU when I left Toronto.”
Julia gave him an incredulous look. “You’d use your sabbatical to stay home with me and a baby?”
“Why not? Children aren’t awake all the time. We could take turns. You have to admit that having an extra pair of hands would make things easier.”
“Neither one of us knows very much about caring for a toddler.”
“We have Rebecca.”
Julia laughed. “Rebecca is wonderful, but she’s our housekeeper, not a nanny. Her kids are grown up. I don’t think she’d want to help us with a child.”
“I think you’d be surprised if you asked her. She’s already volunteered to help more when we have a baby.”
Julia pulled away from him. “You’ve spoken to her about this?”
He held his hands up. “No. But before we were married, she mentioned that she hoped she’d be with us for a long time, long enough to see us start a family.”
He frowned. “I’m not the enemy, Julianne. I’m not constantly looking for ways to sabotage your education. Or your life.”
She ducked her head. “I’m sorry. I feel as if the slightest disturbance will cause me to lose my focus and I’ll flunk.”
“I think that’s the most honest thing you’ve said about your program.”
She lifted her face, eyes narrowing. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means, darling, that you’re worried about failing. Even though so many people are eager to support and help you. Including me and Rebecca.”
She started to protest, but he interrupted.
“Anxiety over starting a family is legitimate. But I think you’d be anxious about your program anyway. That has more to do with how you see yourself than how you see the program.”
Julia’s eyes widened.
“I—that’s not true.”
“It is. I know, I felt the same way when I was at Harvard. I think anyone who has an accurate sense of self has the same concern.” He moved his hand to the back of her neck, urging her forward. “You can do it, Julianne. I believe in you.”
Tears pricked at the back of her eyes and she found herself in his arms, clutching him tightly.
He moved his mouth to her ear.
“I’d like to take Maria home with us. I’d like to take all the kids home with us. But this thing with Harvard is something you need to deal with on your own.”