She ducked her head, berating herself internally for mentioning so personal a struggle to Paul. Gabriel would be livid if he knew she was sharing these kinds of confidences. But she needed to talk to someone. And Rachel, although sympathetic, did not understand the academic world.
“I’m sorry, Julia. Have you told him?”
“Yes. He said he understood. But it’s out there, you know? Once you express that kind of desire, it can’t be taken back.”
Paul tapped his foot under the table. Their conversation had taken a surprising turn, and truthfully, he didn’t know what to say. He quickly thought of something.
“There were some mothers in our program back in Toronto, but only a few.”
“Did they finish?”
“Truthfully? Most of them didn’t. A lot of the guys had kids. But most of them had wives who either stayed at home or worked part time. . . . Hey.” He waited until she lifted her face. “That’s a small sample. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to who was getting pregnant and who wasn’t. There’s probably a group at Harvard that can give you advice about balancing a family and grad school.”
“I didn’t want to have those conversations now.”
“I can understand that.”
Paul shook his head.
“Jules, it’s none of my business, but don’t get pressured into living someone else’s life. If you aren’t ready for a family, say so. And stick to your decision, otherwise you’ll end up miserable.”
“I don’t think having a baby with my husband would make me miserable.” She sounded defensive.
“Dropping out of Harvard would. I know you, Julia. And I know what’s important to you. You’ve been working so hard for this. Don’t throw it away.”
“I don’t want to, but I feel guilty.”
Paul cursed obliquely.
“I thought you said he was supportive of you.”
“He is.”
“Then why would you feel guilty?”
“Because I’m putting myself first. I’m putting my education first, over his happiness.”
Paul gave her a hard look. “If he loves you, then he won’t be happy at the cost of your happiness.”
Julia adjusted the silverware in front of her, lining up the ends so they were perfectly symmetrical.
“Much as I hate to say this, I think you should talk to him again. Tell him what you want and ask him to wait.” Paul grinned. “And if he won’t, then kick him to the curb.”
She looked over at him in surprise.
“Paul, I don’t think that—”
He interrupted her. “Seriously, Julia. If your husband loves you, then he needs to wake the f**k up and cut out the barefoot-and-pregnant bullshit.”
Her brow furrowed. “He doesn’t want that.”
“Then you have no reason to feel guilty. You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t have to choose between grad school and a family. You can have both.”
“I’m not the only person whose dreams count.”
“Perhaps not.” Paul lowered his voice, his eyes fixed on hers. “I’m not exactly objective when it comes to you.”
“I know,” said Julia, softly. “You’ve been a good friend. Thank you.”
“No thanks needed.” His voice grew gruff.
“Friends are in short supply. Yesterday, Christa told almost everyone about what happened in Toronto. I was humiliated.”
“I wish someone would shut her up. Permanently.”
“Gabriel tried. They made a scene. Then Professor Picton arrived and threatened to throw Christa out.”
Paul whistled. “I’m sorry I missed that. Picton and Christa in a steel-cage death match? We could have sold popcorn.”
He caught sight of Julia’s face, which was lined with distress.
“I don’t mean to be a jerk.”
“You aren’t a jerk.”
He continued tapping his foot under the table, an expression of discomfort.
“I said some stupid stuff in the email I sent before you got married. I refused to come to the wedding. That’s the behavior of a jerk.”
Julia’s eyes widened. “You told me you couldn’t come because your dad was sick.”
The tempo of his foot increased.
“That’s true—my dad was sick. But that wasn’t the reason I didn’t come to your wedding.” His eyes met hers. “I couldn’t watch you marry him.”
Paul took in her troubled expression and pulled his chair closer to the table.
“I know you’re married and I would never do anything to mess with that. But God help me, I couldn’t watch you marry him. I’m sorry.”
“Paul, I—”
He lifted a hand to silence her.
“I’m not waiting in the wings. But it’s hard for me to see you with him. And to hear that the rumors are still swirling around you—rumors that are his fault, not yours—and that he’s pressuring you to have a baby when you just started your program . . . Fuck.” He shook his head. “When is he going to wake up and realize that he married an incredible woman and that he needs to care for her?”
“He does care for me. He isn’t who you think he is.”
Paul leveled his dark eyes at hers.
“For your sake, I hope not.”
“He volunteers at the Italian Home for Children. He’s done humanitarian work with the poor. He’s changed.”
“He isn’t much of a humanitarian if he can’t see that his wife needs time before she becomes a mother.”
“He sees it. I’m the one who’s struggling. It’s hard to withhold something from someone you love, knowing that it would make him happy. And I’m happy, too,” she whispered. “You recognized it yourself. I know he has his faults, but so do I. He’d give me the world if he could fit it in his pocket, and he never, ever, lets me fall.”
Paul looked away, his knee bouncing under the table.
Chapter Fifteen
Paul’s paper was well received, if not a little short in Gabriel’s estimation. He noted with grim satisfaction that both Paul and Julia appeared uneasy after their lunch, as if things hadn’t gone quite as they’d expected.
If Gabriel wanted to quiz Julia for details, he hid it well. He greeted her warmly when she returned, and they sat together during Paul’s presentation.
Soon, it was Julia’s turn. Professor Patel, one of the conference organizers, introduced her, dubbing her a rising star at Harvard. Gabriel’s grin widened as he saw Christa seethe.