Gabriel looked at her for a moment and gently tapped her nose with his finger. “Why the deep question in the middle of the night?”
“You said you weren’t happy last year. I was wondering if you are happy now.”
“Happiness is something I know precious little about. You?”
Julia twisted the edge of the bed sheet in her hand. “I try to be happy.
I try to focus on the little things and find pleasure in them. Your pie made me happy.”
“If I’d known the pie would make you happy, I would have given it to you sooner.”
“Why aren’t you happy now?”
“I bartered my birthright for a bowl of pottage.”
“You’re quoting scripture?” Julia was incredulous.
Gabriel bristled. “I’m not a pagan, Julianne. I was brought up Episco-palian. Richard and Grace were very devout. Didn’t you know that?”
She nodded. She’d forgotten.
His face took on a remarkably serious expression. “I still believe, even though I don’t live like it. I know that makes me a hypocrite.”
“All believers are hypocrites because none of us live up to our beliefs.
I believe too, but I’m not very good. I only go to Mass when I’m sad, or at Christmas and Easter.” She reached her hand out to find his and clasped him tightly. “If you still believe, you must have hope. You must believe that happiness is possible for you too.”
He released her hand and rolled onto his back, gazing up at the ceiling.
“I lost my soul, Julianne.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re looking at one of those precious few who have committed the sin unto death.”
“How?”
Gabriel sighed. “My name is the bitterest irony. I’m closer to a devil than an angel, and I’m beyond redemption because I’ve done unforgivable things.”
“You mean — with Professor Singer?”
He laughed bitterly. “Would that those were my only sins. But no, Julianne, I’ve done worse. Please just accept what I say.”
She inched closer. Her delicate features creased with worry, and her eyebrows knitted together. She took her time considering the words he had not said, while he trailed repentant fingers up and down her arm.
“I know that keeping secrets from you is hurtful. I know that I won’t be able to keep them from you forever. Please, just give me a little time.”
He exhaled slowly and lowered his voice. “I promise I won’t make love to you without telling you who I am first.”
“It’s a bit soon to discuss that, don’t you think?”
He frowned and searched her eyes. “Is it?”
“Gabriel, we’re just getting to know one another. And there have already been a few surprises.”
He winced. “You need to know my intentions. I don’t intend to seduce you, then leave. I don’t intend to save some of my secrets until after I make you wholly mine. I’m trying to be good.”
Gabriel’s vow was made in good faith. He wanted her, he wanted all of her, but he realized while he lay awake that night that he couldn’t take her virginity before he’d revealed his true self. Although her ultimate reaction to Ann had taught him to hope, he was still afraid that his revelations would drive her away. She could do better. Nevertheless, the thought of Julianne with someone else made his heart stutter.
“Do you have a conscience?”
“What kind of question is that?” he growled.
“Do you believe that there’s a difference between right and wrong?”
“Of course!”
“Do you know the difference?”
Gabriel scrubbed at his face with both hands and kept them there.
“Julianne, I am not a sociopath. Knowing isn’t the problem — doing is the problem.”
“Then you haven’t lost your soul. Only a creature with a soul can tell the difference between right and wrong. Yes, you’ve made mistakes, but you feel guilt. You feel remorse. And if you still have your soul, you haven’t lost your chance at redemption.”
Gabriel smiled sadly and kissed her. “You sound like Grace.”
“Grace was very wise.”
“And so are you, Miss Mitchell. Apparently,” he gently mocked her.
“Actually, I am. With a little bit of help from Aquinas, Professor.”
He reached over and pulled up her t-shirt slightly so that he could softly tickle her naked flesh.
“Ah! Gabriel! Stop it!” She giggled and writhed, trying to get away from him.
He continued for a moment, just to give himself the pleasure of hearing her laughter ring out in the darkened space. Then he let her go. “Thank you, Julianne.” He caressed her cheek. “You almost make me believe it.”
She placed her arm around his waist, snuggling into his side and inhaling his scent gleefully. “You always smell good.”
“You can thank Rachel and Grace. They started buying me Aramis a long time ago. I kept on buying it out of habit.” He grinned. “Do you think I should try something else?”
“Not if Grace bought it for you.”
Gabriel’s smile faded, but he pressed a kiss to her forehead nonetheless.
“I suppose it’s a good thing she didn’t buy Brut.”
Julia laughed.
They lay very still for a few minutes, before she whispered close to his ear. “There is something I’d like to tell you.”
Gabriel pursed his lips slightly and nodded.
In spite of the dark, she looked away shyly. “You could have had me in the orchard. I would have let you.”
He traced her cheek with a single fingertip. “I know.”
“You know?”
“I am practiced at reading a woman’s body, Julianne. That night you were very receptive.”
She was surprised. “So you knew then that I — ?”
“Yes.”
“But you didn’t…”
“No.”
“Will you tell me why?”
He paused thoughtfully. “I didn’t think it was right. And I was so happy to have found you and to have you in my arms…it was enough. It was everything.”
Julia leaned over and pressed her lips to his neck. “It was perfect.”
“When we go home for Thanksgiving, I’d like to take you back to the orchard. Will you come with me?”
“Of course.” She pressed a kiss just shy of his tattoo, for she knew he flinched whenever she touched him there.
“Kiss me,” he whispered.
She complied, pressing parted lips and open mouth to his, tasting him for as long as he would have her. Until he sighed and moved away. She was saddened by the sudden loss of contact, and an old worry reared its head.
Gabriel felt her tense. “Don’t confuse my restraint with a lack of desire, Julianne. I burn for you.” He moved her gently so that she was on her side and spooned behind her, burying his face in her hair. “I’m glad you’re here,” he whispered.
Julia wanted to tell him that she slept better with him than without him. She wanted to tell him that she would like to sleep with him every night and that she earnestly desired him.
But she didn’t.
When she awoke the next morning, she was alone. She glanced at the old fashioned clock Gabriel kept on his nightstand and was stunned to discover that it was already noon. She’d slept far too long.
He’d left her a continental breakfast and a note that was propped up against a wine glass filled with orange juice. Julia began eating the pain au chocolat as she read his note:
From the Desk of Professor Gabriel O. Emerson Darling,
You were sound asleep, so I didn’t want to wake you.
I’ve gone to run some errands.
Call me when you wake up.
I was very grateful to have you in my arms all night and for your words…
If I have a soul, it’s yours,
Gabriel
Julia smiled widely and took her time eating her breakfast. Gabriel sounded happy, and that made her happy too. She freshened herself up in the washroom and was about to exit the bedroom when she tripped over something. Righting herself with a curse, she saw that the offending speed bump was in reality three white shopping bags with the words Holt Renfrew emblazoned on them. She pushed them aside almost wrathfully, and walked to the kitchen.
She was surprised to find Gabriel sitting at the breakfast bar, drinking coffee and reading a newspaper. He was wearing a pale blue button-down shirt that highlighted the blueness of his eyes, and black casual pants. He wore his glasses, and he looked handsome, as always. Julia felt underdressed in her t-shirt and shorts.
“Why, hello there.” Gabriel folded his paper and put his cup down.
He opened his arms wide, beckoning her.
She stepped in between his parted knees, and he embraced her warmly.
“How did you sleep?” he whispered in her hair.
“Really well.”
He kissed her softly. “You must have been tired. How do you feel?”
He looked at her with concern.
“I’m fine.”
“I can make you lunch, if you wish.”
“Have you eaten?”
“Something small with my first coffee. I was waiting to have lunch with you.”
He kissed her again, more deeply this time. Julia shyly slid her arms up his back and into his hair. Gabriel reacted by nibbling on her lower lip and pulling away with a smirk.