“Um, dude. She’s got your sperm inside of her. That would be gross. And if you were so worried, why the hell haven’t you proposed yet?” Liz questions.
“Because you told me you’d cut off my dick if I did!” I argue.
“Okay, that may have been a little extreme. But I knew she would think you were doing it just because she was pregnant. I figured if you waited a while and I kept telling her she was an idiot, everything would work out and you could propose without her thinking bad things.”
I sigh and crossed her arms in front of me. “I can’t wait any longer, Liz. I know we planned on me doing this next month on the anniversary of when we first met, but I can’t put this off one more day. There is this huge wedge between us right now and I have a feeling it’s all because of this. I should have just said something to her months ago. To hell with the surprise.”
“Fine. Have it your way. But I swear to God if you just walk up to her and hand her the ring, I won’t cut your dick off, I’ll just cut one ball off. You’ll be forever known as Uniball Carter,” she warns.
We stare at each other for a few minutes, her eyes narrowing with each second that passed.
“You don’t have a plan, do you?” she finally asks.
I should tell her to move away from the knives.
“Um, not exactly. I mean, I know what I want to say. I just don’t have all of the details yet,” I admit.
“Well, I’d help you, but I kind of want to punch you in the face. You’re on your own with this one,” she tells me, throwing the towel she dried the dishes with onto the counter. “Now I’m going to have to tell everyone that the plan is off. It was the one time I was looking forward to wearing a shirt that Drew picked out.”
I feel bad that Liz has spent all this time helping me plan something amazing for Claire. At the time, we had both agreed it would be awesome if our friends were there to see the proposal, and Drew of course wanted everyone to wear matching shirts that Claire would see right after I proposed. They were pretty great shirts and that is the one thing I will regret not doing, but I know this is the right decision.
“So does that mean no Gavin either?” she asks as she leans her hip against the counter.
“No, no Gavin. As cute as it would be for him to be the one to hand her the ring, I need to do this by myself. It was just the two of us the day I met her, and I want it to be just the two of us when I ask her to spend the rest of her life with me,” I explain.
Liz let out a great big sigh and finally concedes.
“Alright, I get it. Your ball is safe from my wrath. But just so you know, I’m going to hold this against you for a long time,” she tells me with a pat on my back.
“I wouldn’t expect any less. I just need you to do one more little favor for me.”
“What now? My first born, a pint of blood, one of my limbs? I’ve already given so much!” she wails in mock horror.
“Oh quit being such a drama queen. I already told you I appreciated your help so cut the shit out. I just need you to get Claire out of the store for about an hour. Can you do that?” I ask.
“No problem. I have this raging yeast infection from having too much sex in our hot tub. I’ll tell Claire she needs to come to the pharmacy with me and help me pick out the right YEAST INFECTION cream,” she says, putting the emphasis on the words that make my skin crawl.
“Liz, too much information,” I say with a grimace.
“But it’s really yeasty. I could make a loaf of bread with this shit.”
“OH MY GOD! Cut it out. I’m going to puke,” I tell her.
Liz laughs as she walks around the counter to go out front and talk to Claire.
“Payback is a bitch. And YEAST INFECTIONS really itch,” she yells back to me with another laugh.
I try to block the last few minutes of conversation from my mind as I get to work planning how this will go down. Claire sticks her head into the kitchen doorway a little while later to tell me she was running to the store with Liz. I can’t help but laugh a little when she whispers, “She’s got an issue. And she needs my help. It’s…an issue. I’ll be back soon.”
Right after she disappears from sight, Liz pops her head in to give me one more parting shot.
“Say ‘bacterial vaginosis is delicious’. SAY IT!”
~
I honestly don’t remember a time when I’ve been this nervous. I would have taken a minute to run to the bathroom and throw up the contents of my stomach, but I just heard the bell over the door of the shop ring and knew Claire was back.
I take my place at one end of the kitchen island and wait.
Claire walks through the doorway seconds later and stops, a look of confusion on her face as she takes in the sight before her.
“Um, why are there red Solo cups all over the counter?” she asks.
“I thought we could take a trip down memory lane and play a little beer pong,” I tell her with a grin.
She walks further into the room.
“Nice sentiment and all but I don’t I want our child to be born a pot head and a drunk.”
I laugh and pick up the empty milk jug for her to see.
“Technically, this is milk pong.”
She laughs when she gets to the other end of the island and glances into the cup closest to her.
“Ahhh gotcha. If I remember correctly, I kicked your ass the last time we played,” she says with a smile.
“Oh I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure all of the ass kicking was done by me. You sucked at beer pong.”
“Lies! Not only were Liz and I the lap dance champions in our dorm, we were also beer pong champions,” she told me with a satisfied smirk.
“Wait, what?”
She laughs again and shakes her head at me. “I know I told you this story.”
“No, I’m pretty sure I would remember every part of a story that involved you and lap dancing,” I argue.
“Liz and I used to do lap dances on each other for free beers at the college bars. I was a little bendier then so I was usually the one on top,” she says nonchalantly.
Claire, bendy, girl lap dances…my penis exploded. That JUST happened.
“Promise me I will get to see this someday very soon,” I tell her.
“Yeah, okay. Because pregnant chick lap dances are so hot.” She chuckles.
“I don’t think you understand how serious I am right now, Claire. This is right up there with meeting God and winning the lottery.”
Seeing her happy and smiling confirms my decision to do this right now, this exact way. If only I could get the image of Claire grinding on another woman out of my head.
Damn you, penis, you aren’t in charge tonight! Take a break, go back to sleep, nothing to see here.
“As much as it pains me to say this, the lap dance can wait, but you’re going to have to prove to me right now that you’ve still got it in beer pong. The ping pong balls are right in front of you. Put your ball where your mouth is.”
She raises her eyebrow at me.
“Hmmm, that didn’t come out right. But I kind of like it,” I tell her with a shrug.
She picks up one of the balls and lines up her shot. It bounces off the rim of the first cup and lands in one behind it.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” she taunts as I remove the ball from the cup and drink the milk.
I set the empty cup to the side, pick up my own ball and take aim while trying to keep my hand from shaking. I know I need to make as many shots as I can for this to work out the way I want it to. I toss the ball and it sinks right in the cup closest to her. I let out a huge sigh as she removes the ball and picked up the cup.
“Lucky shot,” she tells me before downing the milk.
“I love you more than I ever thought was possible,” I tell her softly as she sets the cup down. She cocks her head to the side and smiles at me.
I pick up another ball and quickly throw it before she could say anything back to me. It sinks into another cup right in front of her. As she picks up the cup to drink it, I speak again.
“I love you because you make me laugh and you make me want to be a better man.”
I already have another ball in my hand and throw it into the air before she even finishes the last cup of milk. She stares at me wide-eyed as the ball plops into the next cup in line and she hesitates before picking it up. I wait until the cup is by her mouth before I continue.
“I love you because every day you amaze me.”
A lone tear escapes from her eye as I throw another ball right into a cup. I’ve never played this well in my life. I guess it's only fitting since this is the only game where I'm playing for my life.
She picks that cup up and sniffles before taking a drink.
“I love you because you are the best mother in the entire world.”
One more to go. And this was the one that counts. I aim and watch the ball sail in an arc toward the last cup on her side of the counter. I hold my breath until it drops right where it needs to go. I walk around the counter until I'm next to her and wait for her to finish the last cup of milk.
A surprised gasp sounds from her when she tips the cup back and something bumps against her lip. As she pulls the cup away from her mouth and looks into the bottom of it, I get down on one knee.
With shaking hands, she reaches her fingers into the cup and pulls out the diamond ring I have been carrying in my pocket for months. She turns to look at me and gasps again when she sees where I am.
“The first time we did this, every time one of us sunk a shot we would tell each other a fact about ourselves. I remember you told me your favorite color was pink and that you watched the movie ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun’ once a year because it made you nostalgic for the time when Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t look like a troll.”
Claire laughs through the tears that are now falling freely.
“This time, I needed you to know every fact about why I love you. I wanted to marry you the first time I saw you again. I wanted to get down on my knees and beg you to never leave me. And I should have done it. I should never have waited this long. There is no one else in this world I could imagine spending my life with. I want to teach inappropriate things to our children with you forever. Claire Donna Morgan, will you please, please marry me and love me for the rest of your life?”
She leans over and throws her arms around me, holding me tight as she sobs out the one word I have waited forever to hear from her.
“Yes!”
I pull out of her arms long enough to take the ring from her hand and slip it on her finger. Our happy moment is interrupted seconds later by Gavin running into the kitchen.
“Mom, guess what? I swallowed a penny!” he announces.
Claire and I pull away from each other and turn to see all of our friends and Claire’s father standing in the doorway wearing the shirts Drew had picked out that say, “I played beer pong and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, knocked up, and a fiancé”.
“Sorry, Carter, I couldn’t resist the shirts. And really, they’re still appropriate considering how you proposed,” Liz says with a smile.
“Wait, I’m sorry. But did Gavin just say he swallowed a penny?” Claire asks, wiping the tears off of her cheeks.
“Oh, yeah. Well, we think he swallowed a penny. We’re not quite sure,” Drew explains. “He wanted some candy so Liz dumped out her purse on the floor because she knew she had a bunch of Tic Tacs at the bottom. He started scooping things up and shoving them in his mouth before we saw what he was doing. According to him, he swallowed a penny. But kids are liars.”
Gavin stomps his foot. “YOU’RE A LIAR YOU BIG FAT TURKEY!”
“I am not fat. I’m muscular. Get your facts straight,” Drew argues.
“Okay, can someone please tell me if my kid really swallowed a penny?” Claire asks loudly, putting a halt to the arguing.
“Well, I Googled ‘kids swallowing pennies’ and you’d be surprised how many hits I got,” Liz says. “Anyway, as long as the penny was made before 1982, he’ll be fine.”
Claire and I stare at her for a few minutes before Claire explodes.
“What the fuck?!”
“Awwwwww, Mom,” Gavin scolds as he pointed at her.
“I’m sorry, what the f-u-c-k does t-h-a-t mean and w-h-a-t do we do n-o-w?”
She has officially turned into one of the Stepford mothers, spelling words she doesn’t even need to spell because she is so freaked out. She is not going to be happy about this.
“It’s fine, Claire. I used my metal detector on him and the penny wasn’t there,” George stated.
“You’re kidding me, right? You know there’s this fancy thing called a hospital you can go to, don’t you?” she asks.
“I walked uphill both ways in a snow storm with no shoes just to get to school when I was his age, and I ate metal shavings for fun. A little copper isn’t going to hurt him,” George argues.
“Unless the penny was made after 1982 because then it’s made with enough zinc to melt his esophagus,” Drew said matter-of-factly. “I’m pretty sure that would have happened by now though, so he’s probably good.”
Claire bends down next to Gavin and pulls him into her arms.
“Sweetie, how do you feel? Is your tummy okay?” she asks him.
“My tummy is good. Papa said I need to drop a deuce and check it for money. I can poop money!” he says excitedly.
“I wish I could poop money,” Drew complains.
I bend down next to Claire and Gavin, gathering both of them in my arms.
“Just so you know, we’re totally eloping,” I tell her.