I didn’t realize how much I wanted him to deny it until he said it. “Then we’re done talking, Josh. There’s nothing you can say. We’re just done.”
“December, please!”
“Go. There’s absolutely no chance for us.” I managed to keep my voice flat, unemotional.
I waited several heartbeats until something slid along the door. His hand? “I love you.”
“Good night, Josh.”
The door to his apartment opened and shut, and I leaned back against our front door for the barest of seconds before I slid my back down it. Once my butt hit the floor, I drew my knees up to my chest. There were no tears, no anger, just an overwhelming sense of weariness.
I wanted one thing: Joshua Walker.
But I wouldn’t do it. I would never become my mother. I would never love a man whose love could destroy me.
Monday morning wasn’t any easier. Wasn’t it supposed to get easier? This hurt worse than losing Riley, but maybe I was so lost in my grief over Dad that I hadn’t really noticed Riley’s loss? That wasn’t true. Riley hurt, but I didn’t love him like I loved Josh.
“Good morning, Ms. Howard.” Professor Carving nodded to me as he walked in the room just ahead of me. Perfect timing.
I slid in behind him, skipped my eyes right over where I usually sat, and spotted an empty chair in the back of the room. Bingo. I studied the tiles on the floor and dodged backpacks on the way to the back and claimed the seat.
One Mississippi.
Two Mississippi.
Three Mississ—
“Ember.”
My body physically reacted to his voice. Chills swept down my arms, and my throat tightened. I shook my head and reached for my notebook.
Josh beat me to it, pulling the purple spiral out of my bag and laying it on my desk. Before I could protest, he’d lined up one pencil and one pen exactly how I liked them. “You have to talk to me. Let me explain.”
Heads pivoted in our direction. The only thing more gossip-worthy than going home with him was our obvious break-up. I couldn’t speak. Hell, I was lucky to still be breathing with this pressure crushing my chest.
“Ember, please?”
“Mr. Walker?” Professor Carving said, saving me. “Could you take your seat?”
Josh sighed. “We’re not done, Ember.”
But we were.
I took meticulous notes, like always. Other than the gaping hole in my soul, everything on the outside was as normal as could be. The clock gave me another ten minutes to make it through this class. Then I could beat Josh to the door, run to my car, and get out of here before he had a chance to confront me. Yes. If I grabbed my stuff immediately, I could escape before everyone else had packed up.
As Professor Carving wound down his lecture and started to talk about our assignment for Wednesday, I slipped my notebook and pens into my bag and pulled it into my lap. I was half off my seat when he dismissed us.
As quickly as I could, without looking insane, I passed by the other students in my row and threw open the door in my exit. “Ember! Wait!” I didn’t turn around, didn’t pause, but instead launched into headlong flight. Well, extremely fast walking.
The halls filled with students, and I wove through the crowd. I would make it to the car. I wouldn’t have to see him, or face everything I couldn’t have. I could hold it together for one more day. The early March sunshine hit my face, and I took my first deep breath. I’d made it out.
“Ember! What are you going to do? Run forever?” Josh yelled out.
Half the students turned to gawk. My cheeks stung as blood rushed to my face, but I kept walking, picking my way down the path between the academic buildings to the quad. Keep it together. Stick to the plan.
The moment he touched my arm, I knew it was all about to fall apart. I stopped, took three breaths, and focused on anything else. The snow had melted, and the grass lay brown and bare. It was the ugliest time of pre-spring, when the pristine white had faded, but nothing had come to life yet. Everything was still cold and numb.
“Ember.” His voice was soft, pleading.
“Don’t.” It was all I had in me.
He stepped around me, but I refused to look up into those eyes. “Please. I didn’t mean to keep it from you. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
Pieces of me cracked into a fault line, and every word he spoke expanded it. The blissful, numb feeling that kept me together was melting, leaving me bare. I swallowed back the need to look at him, to reach out and touch him.
“You have to talk to me about this. I’m not going to lose you over a job.”
I broke, snapped in half, my logic and reason flying away. “A job?” I stepped back, needing the distance. I finally looked up at him, but the misery on his face didn’t dispel my anger. He looked like shit. Good, that’s how I felt. “It’s not a job! And you hid it from me! You know how I feel about it!”
“When I saw you burn the West Point gear? I knew you would never accept it, that you’d push me away as soon as you knew, and I couldn’t let you go.”
“You selfish fuck!”
He paled. “Yes. I needed to be near you. I had to.”
“Why? Why the hell are you in the Guard? You had a full ride! And you just join up and go over to get yourself killed?” The idea, the word struck me with nausea. Josh in uniform. Josh in a cold box draped by a flag. No.
“Mom got sick. I transferred here to take care of her. UCCS hockey is small; it didn’t have the funds to give a full ride midseason. Some of us don’t have rich families and doctor dads, Ember. I did the only thing I could think of to put myself through college. A weekend a month seemed like a damn good deal to be near my mother. I don’t regret it. Not any of it, and not you!”