“No, no. It’s not that. It’s just—I still love him, Stace. I don’t want to, but I do. I thought I was getting better, but when he showed up just now, I don’t know.”
She gave me a quick hug. “It’s up to you. Before you go back out there, just think about whether you’ll regret it if you don’t talk to him.”
I nodded and waited five more minutes, deciding that if he was still out there and alone when I walked out, then I would go up and talk to him. With one last deep breath, I walked out from the back and around the corner. He was in the same spot, head down and spinning his most likely empty cup around in his hands. Like earlier, he stopped abruptly and his head slowly came up. He looked at me, then to the door that I was next to, and started to stand up, his eyes pleading. When I began walking toward him, he sat back down and seemed to clear his throat a few times. I sat in the chair next to him and pulled my legs up underneath me, so I wouldn’t continue to bounce them up and down nervously.
“How are you?” He finally broke the silence after a few minutes.
“I’m fine.” I hated that my voice sounded so small. “You?”
“I’m all right. You, uh—you look really good, Cassidy.”
Please don’t tell me that. I need to get over you, I need you to be mean again or just go back to avoiding me. “You left.”
He sighed. “Yeah, I needed to.”
I nodded. “Look, I understand you were mad for whatever reason, but you didn’t even say bye. You were just gone, Gage. Was it that bad having to live with a girl, or was it just me?” I shook my head and grumbled to myself, “Of course it was just me.”
“I should have said good-bye, I should have told you I was leaving. I just, I didn’t know how.”
“Why are you here, Gage?”
Pain flashed through his green eyes and his brow furrowed. “Um. I, uh—needed to see you. Tyler’s been asking me to come around; I needed to know if that would be a bad idea.”
“You’re grown, you’re free to do whatever you want.”
“If you don’t want me around, Cassidy, that’s all you have to say.”
My eyes narrowed. If I didn’t want him around? He was the one who left me! “I would never get in the way of you and Ty.”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”
Well, I don’t want to answer that. I looked away and tried to slow my racing heart again. Gage brushed my arm and turned it slightly, running his fingers over my birthday present to myself.
“I like this.”
“Me too.” My voice was shaky and I tried to disguise it with a small laugh. Of course I had gotten it for me, but I’m not going to lie and say that Gage had nothing to do with my decision on that tattoo. I knew he was gone from my life, but even though nothing had ever come of us, he would always be the man I was in love with. I was sure of it. Over the almost year that we lived together, we’d found plenty of things that we had in common, but looking at the stars that night, followed by those amazing kisses and falling asleep in his arms . . . That constellation was by far my favorite thing we shared. “And yes, I want you around. It’s been . . . different without you there.” Miserable. It’s been absolutely miserable.
He nodded and continued lightly running his thumb over the stars. “I’m sorry I missed your birthday, and I’m sorry I up and left. I’ve missed you so much, Cassidy.”
A strangled sigh escaped my throat and I had to look away again to compose myself. “Why did you leave?”
“You know why. I couldn’t stay there with y’all anymore.”
Right, because I was getting in the way of his relationships. “You couldn’t stay with us? Or just me?”
His jaw tightened and he leaned away.
“It’s fine. I don’t need you to answer that.”
“Cass—”
“No, really, Gage, don’t.” I stood up and walked toward the doors. When I was outside he caught up with me; putting a hand on my shoulder, he turned me around and I stumbled back when I saw how close he was.
“I don’t want to keep staying away from you; you have no idea how much you mean to me.”
Why is he doing this? Why is he always playing with my heart? I wanted to scream at him for leaving me, for making me fall in love with him, for continuing to keep me wanting him like he was right now. But then I figured that was probably what he wanted. He probably loved having girls basically fall over themselves for him.
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. “Can we at least be friends again? I miss talking to you, I miss driving you to work in the morning, I miss our morning hugs . . . I just miss you.”
I tried not to get lost in his scent, or how I finally felt like I was where I belonged for the first time in three months. I didn’t know if I could just be friends with Gage, but anything would be better than the hell that I’d been through without him. I pulled back slightly, and he wrapped a big hand around my neck, reminding me of all those times I’d thought he’d been about to kiss me. “I miss you too, Gage. So much. I would love it if you came around. Do you, uh, is there anyone who cooks for you?”
“No, it’s just me there.” He paused for a minute. “I’m not seeing anyone if that’s what you’re asking.”
Of course that’s what I’m asking! “I wasn’t, but I know how bad you are at cooking. I’m surprised you’ve managed to last this long.” I tried to laugh, but it sounded wrong. “I’ll make dinner for you every night, if you’ll be there. I know Tyler really misses having you live with us; I think he’d like it if you were there.”