She’s confused for a blink, and then it’s clear.
“How do you know?” she whispers, asking to be sure.
“I know because we’ll meet him, Mom,” I say, and as I do, I let myself remember him coming to our house at Christmas. I remember my parents joking about keeping the ornaments away from him, and his warm and wonderful laughter.
“He’s all right?” my mom asks, in an even lower tone, as if she’s afraid to speak it.
I nod my head. “Yes,” I say.
“How do you know?” Mom asks again. I move toward her and wrap my arms around her. I speak into her shoulder as we hug.
“I know because I remember.”
EPILOGUE
Written Sun., 7/10; add to notes every night.
Luke gave me a look tonight, one that made my insides twist. We were squeezed in with hundreds of other kids at the Weezer show (awesome, btw), and without saying a word or touching me or anything, Luke told me that he wanted us to be alone.
Suddenly, I got emotional thinking about how important the little moments with Luke are. Sure, I can remember many more from the future. But right now, it’s new. Who knows, maybe that was the first time he’s ever looked at me in exactly that way. And in less than two hours, it will be gone forever.
I was dwelling on that when I got home. I reread all my notes from high school so far, trying to soak up the stuff I forgot. But instead of reminiscing, I realized something major: I’m a lot stronger than I used to be.
Before this year, my past memory and parts of my forward memory were blocked, probably because of my brother’s death— at least what we thought was his death— and Luke’s future death. Not to mention my dad’s part in everything. Then Luke’s presence somehow helped me start to remember. He started a chain reaction that ultimately gave me back my brother and my father, which made my relationship with my mom better, too. In some ways you could say he gave me back myself.
I’m sure I’ve had some of these thoughts before, but as far as I can tell, I’ve never written them down quite like this. Even though it’s late, I’m doing it now, because I have so much to be thankful for: a mother who loves me; a father who’s in my life again; an amazing best friend; a brother I’ll meet again soon.
And a gorgeous, supportive boyfriend who helped me realize that being normal is overrated.
This note is to remind me of all of my gifts, from the people in my life to the ability that I and I alone seem to have. Because, yes, maybe I’ll always forget the past. But what I need to remember most is this:
I can also change the future.