I was so confused. I was so attached. Since seeing him again, I couldn’t deny that feeling of my heart leaping in my throat. What did this mean? What was my heart telling me? What had the cards told me? And that talk with Alex? And…just…everything.
With each passing minute, the thought of leaving with the Renaissance Faire became less and less appealing.
My nose started to sting as I swallowed more tears, and soon I was surrounded by the other ladies in the tent—Caitlyn, Ann, and even their friend Fiona.
“Hey,” cooed Caitlyn. “What’s wrong? You don’t want him? Because you already know that I’ll take him,” she added playfully.
I shook my head and patted the dress again. “I’m just confused.”
“But do you want him?”
Fingering the delicate glass beads sewn into the bodice of the gown, I knew I didn’t really have to think about it. As much as I hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself, I did. I totally did. So I let out a breathy, “Yes.”
But…did he still want me? Or had he already mentally tucked me into that group of women who would just hurt him and leave him? Just the thought of being in the same category as his mother, who essentially abandoned him, made me feel ill.
But then I thought about the way he’d held me last night as we lay next to each other. How his thumb had caressed my wrist, my hand. How he’d laced his fingers around mine and hadn’t let go.
And somehow I knew, deep down, that he never would.
“I need to go for a walk.” I got up and carefully stored the dress back in its box. “I’ll be back to help with lunch and to set up for the Maypole.”
“Have some breakfast first?” Caitlyn said.
“Not hungry. But thanks! I just have some thinking to do.”
And that’s exactly what I did as I made my way along a dusty path that led to the amphitheater where William and Doug would face off tomorrow. I wound up the trail amidst dried-out brush, various types of high desert flora, darting lizards and the occasional beetle. I kept my feet on the ground and my eyes locked on the distant bluish Sierras that cut into the horizon in the east. The sun wasn’t that bad yet. As it was still spring, it would be warm today, but not unbearably so.
I hugged myself as I stood there, feeling small and insignificant amongst all the natural beauty. My doubts and fears felt so insignificant in the face of the massive universe all around me.
I thought about Brock and me, two tiny specks in that universe. I thought about how much I still loved him. How much I’d held fast to the belief that he was the one person for me. Now my feelings for William were tearing that belief to shreds, and I had to come to terms with that.
I couldn’t help but think of that reading I did days before, specifically the Moon card. The Moon and Earth, two more specks in the universe—albeit much larger specks. The Moon pulled and tugged the tides of the Earth, causing movement in the tides. Causing confusion, uncertainty, untruth. That card was a warning that I’d been deceiving myself.
Deceiving myself with my own misguided beliefs.
The realization took my breath away, and I blinked as I tried to catch the next one, knotting and then unknotting my sweaty hands.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said out loud to the Universe. The breeze seemed to carry my words away into the distance. My eyes closed, and suddenly I heard a voice in my head.
Go to him. Be with him.
My heartbeat sped up, and yet…I couldn’t help but feel that pang of disloyalty.
“Brock, what should I do?” I said to the air, hoping the breeze would answer me.
Be happy. I want you to be happy.
Whether it was a spirit or my imagination saying the things I knew Brock would say, I’d never know. But that message was clear in my mind, followed immediately by another.
Stay, stay. Stay, stay.
Brock was my past. And how very blessed I was to have known him and to have loved him. But William…William could be my future. If I’d just let him in.
***
I had no chance to speak to William before lunch, as we were both so heavily involved in the set-up for the Beltane celebration. And at the center of it all was the Maypole—a smoothly cut log that had been buried a few feet into the ground by some of the stronger men in our group. At the very top, colorful ribbons were attached, radiating out like the spokes of a bicycle wheel. The end of each green, yellow, red, pink and purple ribbon was staked down in the ground in a circle around the clearing. This was where we would be dancing.
All those who were unattached circled the ring, alternating men and women. We each pulled up the end of the ribbon nearest us and took it in hand. When it was time to claim our places, William was reluctantly pushed into the fray by a group of the unavailable women, who cheered him on from where they stood outside the ring, waiting for us to start the dance. I marveled at how far he’d come. Months ago, he never would have participated in an event like this.
William faced me across the circle, sending me a smile that could only be described as a slight upward curvature of his lips. I smiled back until his head ducked and his eyes sank away from my gaze. My heart danced—and not necessarily in anticipation of the music.
I sucked in a sudden breath at the obvious but beautiful thought that William made me happy.
But what did that mean?
Doug stood beside me, throwing dirty looks at both William and me. But William did not notice or even look at Doug, so I followed his example and ignored Doug too.
Suddenly, the music started—a lute, a drum and a fiddle all playing a simple period melody for the Maypole Dance. We began the straightforward trip around the Maypole according to ancient custom: a step, a hop and a bow or curtsy to our neighbor. A steady breeze blew as we wove in and out amongst each other, our ribbons growing shorter by the minute. Soon, the Maypole was clothed in a beautiful intertwined pattern consisting of a multitude of bright colors.
I passed my friends, mystified by their awkward smiles, winks and laughs as we acknowledged each other. At first I thought nothing of it, then slowly I started to get the feeling I was the butt of some joke. Maybe they were silently teasing me about William.
I studied the pole without realizing how often I was weaving in and out of my neighbors and dancing partners. I didn’t even make an extra effort to meet William’s eyes each time we passed each other. I kept my eyes on that pole until I realized that my ribbon was growing very short.