“But you did.”
He kissed my hair. “This is who I am. I say what’s on my mind. I’m sorry.”
I fell against his hard chest and his other arm held me close to him. Everything inside me ached. I wanted to be with him so badly it literally hurt.
And the scariest thing of all was that I was starting to seriously consider telling him I’d stay, seeing what this might become. But I had promises to keep—to others and to myself.
If it became something, then my beliefs and everything I thought I knew about the world would go flying out the window. I’d be in unchartered territory. No map. No plan. Not even my cards to rely on.
He was right. I was afraid. Terrified, in fact, of what this could become.
Chapter 22
William
A few days later, my workday is interrupted by an unexpected text from Jenna. It’s strange because I had just been thinking about her.
Mia and Adam invited us to go to Medieval Times w/ them. Wanted to check to see if ok w/ you.
I have never been there. From what I’ve gathered from advertising, it is a dinner and entertainment show involving knights and jousting—all with period-inaccurate armor and weapons.
I know that it would probably be best to follow up our progress from Disneyland with a setting of this sort, but I really don’t want to. I’d much prefer to spend time alone with Jenna again.
But time alone would make for more frustrating circumstances like the other night—the night I really wanted to have sex and stopped it anyway.
Sometimes I think I’m not so smart.
Me: I don’t know.
Her: I’d love to see you again. And we could laugh the fake fighting. Might be fun & more importantly would help w/ crowd issues.
Me: Inauthentic fighting annoys me.
Her: I’ll wear my low-cut medieval blouse & push-up bodice…
Me: Deal.
As the days pass until the next time I see her, I spend a lot of time thinking about my convictions. I’m seriously considering letting them go. I’ve thought a lot about what Adam said—and even what that fool Jordan said.
So the next time Adam and I are alone together, I bring up the subject of sex and ask for more in-depth advice. I’m relieved that Jordan is nowhere near to interrupt with his plethora of condoms and bad advice.
It’s just my surrogate big brother and me.
It’s Wednesday night, and I’m working out in his home gym because he has weight machines that I don’t have. He’s choosing to use his treadmill instead of running out in the streets or along the beach, like he prefers. Afterward, we go up to his kitchen to take a water break and sit down. He pulls an apple from a nearby bowl of fruit, washes it and bites into it.
“What’s on your mind, guy?” he says without looking at me.
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to ask, and he seems to have figured that out from how I’m acting. I envy that he can sense things based on my gestures and looks. I’ve seen that in his observation of others, too. We can be in the same room and both participate in a conversation, and yet afterward when we discuss it, he’s come away with a long list of nuances and impressions that I have completely missed.
I’ve long since been thankful to have Adam as an ally. He is incredibly smart and always has been. So am I, but he is smart in different ways than I am. We complement each other because of that.
“I do want to talk to you about something,” I say, confirming his inquiry. “But it might make you uncomfortable.”
Part of his mouth slants up in a smile. “Are you going to nag me about setting a wedding date again? Because we’re on the same side. I know what I want. Emilia is the one who keeps hedging.” As usual, he calls his fiancé by her full name instead of Mia, like everyone else calls her.
“I’m not nagging you about that. First, a nag is an old horse. I’m neither old nor a horse.” Adam grimaces at my attempt at a joke, then unscrews his water bottle to take a drink.
“I wanted to ask you about sex. I have a lot of questions, and the pornographic material I’ve been reviewing—”
Adam starts choking on his water. Perhaps it was the mention of pornography. But how else can I learn about sex if not by watching people do it?
“Do not use porn as educational material, Liam,” Adam finally said, the redness in his face only deepening. “They do stuff in porn—even the vanilla stuff—that can’t or shouldn’t be attempted in real life.”
I scratch my stubble. “Vanilla? Porn comes in flavors?”
“It means, um, regular sex. No kink. Anyway, a lot of what they do in porn videos is not real. There’s a lot of acting involved, a lot of creative techniques. A lot of weird positions in order to maximize the camera angles.”
I nod, absorbing that. “I understand the mechanics of it all. And I get that it’s easier for a man to achieve orgasm. But what I want to know is what it’s like if one of the partners is far less experienced than the other. Like how do they treat that person’s first time?”
Adam took a breath and let it go, looking to the side. “Well, as long as each partner has some understanding of the other’s sexual history—especially in a special case like that—”
“What about your first time?” I interrupt. “Was she more experienced than you?”
Adam blinks, his face reddening again. “Uh, yeah. She was older, and she’d had a few partners before me.”
“How much older?”
“Six years,” he answers, looking over his shoulder as if he’s afraid someone might be listening in. We are alone though, since Mia is out with her mother tonight. Adam shifts in his seat and fiddles with his water bottle, cracking it loudly.
“Six years?” I repeat. “So Lindsay was your first partner? I thought she came later.”
Adam’s eyes widen. I know that look on his face means surprise. Likely he’s surprised by my deduction. “I didn’t realize you knew about that.”
“It wasn’t a well-kept secret, Adam. You both worked for my dad, and then when you went off to college, she drove up to Pasadena a lot to see you. It’s hard to keep a two-year secret from all of your mutual friends.”
His mouth thinned. “I suppose so.”