She frowned at me. “I don't see why.”
I laughed aloud. “You don't think anyone would be surprised to see me alive?”
She cocked her head and stared at me frankly. “I think there would be few, even of your old friends, who would recognize you. Most recall you as an unscarred youth. The broken nose, the slash down your face, even the white in your hair might alone be disguise enough. Then, you dressed as a prince's son; now you wear the garb of a peasant. Then, you moved with a warrior's grace. Now, well, in the mornings or on a cold day, you move with an old man's caution.” She shook her head with regret as she added, “You have taken no care for your appearance, nor have the years been kind to you. You could add five or even ten years to your age, and no one would question it.”
This blunt appraisal from my lover stung. “Well, that's good to know,” I replied wryly. I took the kettle from the fire, not wanting to meet her eyes just then.
She mistook my words and tone. “Yes. And when you add in that people see what they expect to see, and they do not expect to see you alive ... I think you could venture it. Are you considering a return to Buckkeep, then?”
“No.” I heard the shortness of the word, but could think of nothing to add to it. It did not seem to bother her.
“A pity. You miss so much, living alone like this.” She launched immediately into an account of the Springfest dancing. Despite my soured mood, I had to smile at her account of Chade beseeched to dance by a young admirer of sixteen summers. She was right. I would have loved to have been there.
As I prepared food for all of us, I found my mind straying to the old torment of “what if.” What if I had been able to return to Buckkeep with my Queen and Starling? What if I had come home to Molly and our child? And always, no matter how I twisted the pretense, it ended in disaster. If I had returned to Buckkeep, alive when all believed me executed for practicing the Wit, I would have brought only division at a time when Kettricken was trying to reunify the land. There would have been a faction who would have favored me over her, for bastard though I was, I was a Farseer by blood while she reigned only by virtue of marriage. A stronger faction would have been in favor of executing me again, and more thoroughly.
And if I had gone back to Molly and the child, returned to carry her off to be mine? I suppose I could have, if I had no care for anyone but myself. She and Burrich had both given me up for dead. The woman who had been my wife in all but name, and the man who had raised me and been my friend had turned to one another. He had kept a roof over Molly's head, and seen that she was fed and warm while my child grew within her. With his own hands, he had delivered my bastard. Together they had kept Nettle from Regal's men. Burrich had claimed both woman and child as his own, not only to protect them, but to love them. I could have gone back to them, to make them both faithless in their own eyes. could have made their bond a shameful thing. Burrich would have left Molly and Nettle to me. His harsh sense of honor would not have allowed him to do otherwise. And ever after, I could have wondered if she compared me to him, if the love they had shared was stronger and more honest than . . .
“You're burning the stew,” Starling pointed out in annoyance.
I was. I served us from the top of the pot, and joined her at the table. I pushed all pasts, both real and imagined, aside. I did not need to think of them. I had Starling to busy my mind. As was customary, was the listener and she was the teller of tales. She began a long account of some upstart minstrel at Springfest who had not only dared to sing one of her songs, with only a verse or two changed, but then had claimed ownership of it. She gestured with her bread as she spoke, and almost managed to catch me up in the story. But my own memories of other Springfests kept intruding. Had I lost all content in the simple life I had created for myself? The boy and the wolf had been enough for me for many years. What ailed me now?
I went from that to yet another discordant thought. Where was Hap? I had brewed tea for the three of us, and portioned out food for three as well. Hap was always ravenous after any sort of a task or journey. It was distracting that he could not get past his bad mood to come and join us. As Starling spoke on, I found my eyes straying repeatedly to his untouched bowl of stew. She caught me at it.
“Don't fret about him,” she told me almost testily. “He's a boy, with a boy's sulky ways. When he's hungry enough, he'll come in.”
Or he'll ruin perfectly good fish by burning it over a fire . The wolf's thought came in response to my Wit questing toward him. They were down by the creek. Hap had made a tempo jstÊ