Because they gave me no choice. No one ever bothered to ask me what I wanted. Not you, not Claudia, not Claudia’s fricking dragon. No one ever stopped to think how I’d feel being tossed over to a dragon instead of staying in Fort Dallas. Everyone just assumed they knew what was best for me. And that is why I am angry. I clench the handlebars tighter. Go, please.
Should we talk? I do not like your tears.
Am I crying? I don’t even care. Just go. Right now I don’t even want to talk to you.
I can feel the shock in his thoughts. You are upset at me?
I am. Right now, I’m just upset at everyone. Please leave me alone.
There is a long pause, and I can tell that Dakh’s trying to figure out what to do. I know every instinct he has tells him that he should comfort me, but I really, really want him to fly away right now. I want to get away from Claudia’s sad, guilty eyes, because if I stay, I’m going to say things I regret, and I’m going to hurt even more. I just want to crawl into a dark corner and lick my wounds.
At least Tate only broke me on the outside. He never hurt me on the inside. I could get away from his awfulness because I knew it was just temporary. It was a thing to be endured.
I don’t know how to cope with this. Even my normal method of going to my ‘happy’ place doesn’t work, because when I try to pull up a mental image of clear meadows and flowers, I think of Dakh and his flag of a picnic blanket and the way he tried to give me an uprooted bush, as if it was the same thing as giving me a bouquet.
My thoughts are a mess the entire long flight home.
40
SASHA
When we get to the store, I don’t even stop to wait for Dakh to unstrap. I unbuckle quickly, slide off his back, and storm through the double doors, heading for my bed.
Sasha, wait.
Just like I did for the entire flight, I ignore him. I push my way inside, stomping my way toward my bed—and hopefully a bit of privacy—as quickly as I can. I don’t want to talk. Not right now.
I do not understand. Why are you angry at me? His thoughts are bewildered. I did not betray you.
You never told me, I accuse him. You knew they sold me out to you and you let me just blitz in there, all happy like they were my best friends and not thoughtless jerks. Like I’m not just a warm body who fills a convenient need. That’s all I was to them, and maybe that’s all I am to you.
Dakh’s mind is suddenly a flurry of angry ravens. Never say such things. You are my fire, my heart. You are my mate.
Only because I conveniently “fell,” I point out to him as I rip my shoes off and toss them on the floor. Right into your arms. I climb into bed and pull the blankets over my head. Now go away.
Go away?!
I can smell his scent, and I can hear his footsteps as he approaches. That’s right. Go away. I want to be left alone. I realize I’m still talking in mental speak, and that makes me even more frustrated. I pull the blankets down and glare up at him. “I know I’m being unreasonable, but I need time to process this and get it out of my system.”
He gets down on his knees next to the bed, concern making his eyes flick between gold and black. Tell me how to help you, then.
“I don’t want you in my thoughts.” I press my palms to my forehead. “It’s too crowded, and I can’t think straight knowing you’re in there, picking through every little idea I have. I want to be able to have my anger without you spying on every single moment of it. I just want an hour of peace and quiet.”
I can feel his thoughts grow stubborn. No. I do not wish to leave you.
“And I didn’t want a dragon in my brain, but we don’t always get what we want,” I retort. “I don’t want you in here,” I press my hands to my forehead. “I just want peace and quiet for five damn minutes.”
Five minutes? He perks up at that. I can give you five minutes.
Ugh, far too literal. An hour, I tell him. I want an hour.
Very well, I will be quiet.
As he settles down on his haunches, I realize he’s not getting it. I sit up. “No, Dakh. Even if you’re here, it doesn’t matter if you’re quiet. You’re still here.” I point at my brows. “The only way I get quiet is if you go away, go out of range for a bit.”
He gazes at me, eyes dark, but I don’t sense the ravens. There’s only a deep disappointment. He gets to his feet, slowly. You are still my heart, my Sasha.
That makes me feel like crying. “I know, Dakh. And I still love you, okay? I just need to lick my wounds in private for a bit.”
I will lick your wounds. He reaches out and brushes a knuckle over my cheek.
For some reason, that makes me want to both laugh and weep. “You can do that after I’ve had a good hour to stew, okay? I just feel really betrayed and hurt, and every moment that you’re lurking in my head makes it worse, because I can’t stop focusing on that.”
I understand. He brushes his knuckle over my cheek again and sends me a bolt of pure, sweet love in his thoughts. Then he turns and walks away. I will leave you to your thoughts, though I do not agree with them. I understand that you want quiet in your head. I know this feeling very well.
Yeah, I guess he would, after years of his “ravens” attacking his mind. “Thank you,” I whisper. “I really appreciate it.”
I know.
With that, he’s silent, and I hear him go outside. I don’t hear him take off, but my mind is silent. It’s what I wanted. It’s…weird, too. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been completely without my connection to Dakh. Lately when he’s hunted, he’s kept in range so he could touch my thoughts. Right now, I feel like I’ve kicked him out. I test our mental connection, trying to find that bright little “spark” in my mind that’s my dragon, but it’s gone.
I’m not entirely comfortable with it. It’s not as relaxing as I thought it’d feel. Instead, it just feels lonely, and that makes me feel worse.
Well, I seem determined to make myself miserable, don’t I?
I flop back on the pillows and stare up at the faint glow of the emergency lights in the ceiling. I hate this. I hate that I don’t know who to trust.
I hate that after a month of happiness, I feel like I’ve skidded back into the “No One Loves Sasha” zone. I feel abandoned all over again. I guess it hurts worse this time around because I wasn’t expecting it. My guard was down. And I’m in love, and now that I find that Dakh was involved—however marginally—just makes me feel like I’ve lost the only person I could trust. After all, he knew that Claudia deliberately didn’t go after me and he’s never said a peep. Granted, he probably didn’t understand the difference, but I do. It makes a big difference to me.