Ignoring her attempts to placate him, he asked, “Where did you hit your head?” He was already feeling along her scalp, looking for injuries. When his fingers found the tender spot, she couldn’t hide her wince. He cursed under his breath, but she knew it was directed inwardly and not at her.
“It’s nothing, really. I barely hit it on the headboard.”
He rubbed it gently before pulling away. “Let me get you some ice for it.”
She grabbed his wrists to stop him. “No, please, just hold me for a while. I think we both need it.” Obviously torn, he finally gave in and pulled her to him before rolling over and settling her on his chest. She felt his lips brush against her hairline as he whispered, “I’m so sorry baby. It kills me that I hurt you of all people. I’m so damn sorry.”
She put her fingers over his mouth, “Shhh, don’t. You were asleep and I made a dumb mistake. I scared you and you reacted. Anyone would have done the same thing. I’m really fine. I would like to know about Craig though. I think you need to talk about it.”
He expelled a long breath and just when she thought he wasn’t going to answer her question, he started talking quietly. “Craig and I were stationed together in Afghanistan. He was on the last leg of his one and only tour. His wife had just had a baby and he was only weeks away from getting out of that hell to be with his family. He had a good job lined up, courtesy of her father, and they were going house hunting just as soon as he made it back. He had everything in front of him and the worst hell he would ever face almost behind him.” Pausing, he tightened his grip on her, as if looking for comfort. “Ellie . . . you have to understand how things were there. You learn to harden yourself to the stuff you see. Sometimes you lose the part that makes you human. On the worst days, we saw men and women just blow themselves to pieces for a chance to inflict some damage on us. Worse yet were the faces of all of the kids. Some visibly hurt and wandering around without parents. Some starving, but still so damn happy they would smile at you. Every time I thought I couldn’t be shocked anymore, something would happen to just fucking slay me. You learn though to push it away. You focus on the job because that’s all that keeps you sane. Sometimes I’d work for days at a time just to keep from sleeping because the dead always found me then. You can run like hell, but you can’t escape your dreams.”
Ella pushed her fist against her mouth, trying to hold back her sobs at the despair she heard in his voice. She wanted to take him in her arms and hold him until the horrors that still haunted him were pushed away. Instead, she listened quietly as he continued to talk, almost like he had forgotten she was there. Once the words started, he couldn’t seem to stop the flow. Had he ever talked to anyone about all of this before?
“You start to see death as part of a daily routine. Just another nameless face. Some of the guys would even joke about it. It wasn’t that they were heartless; it was just how they coped with something that no one should ever have to see. Mainly, I suspect, they laughed to keep from breaking down and crying. There were some good days too. We were a brotherhood, and we always will be. There wasn’t a man in our group who wouldn’t take a bullet for one of his brothers, still would. Weeks of good days though could be blown all to hell by one bad day. A bad day there meant someone was dead.” As if remembering her presence, he looked down saying, “This may be more than you wanted to hear, Ellie . . . why don’t we just leave it for another time?”
Ella wasn’t about to let go now that she was finally getting some insight into his past. She ran a hand down his handsome face, feeling the stubble that was already forming there. Somehow that just made him more appealing. Her hand continued on to his biceps tracing the tattoo there. “What does Semper Fi mean?”
With a husky voice he answered, “Always faithful. Pretty damn ironic isn’t it considering I just found out I’ve got a kid from a one-night-stand.”
“I think it fits you perfectly. The women who passed through your life probably weren’t looking for a commitment any more than you were. Did you ever make any type of promises to them at all?”
Shaking his head, he said, “No, never. I was always very upfront.”
“Then stop ripping yourself to shreds over it. Because of who you are, it bothers you. You use it as a reason to question your integrity. I bet those in your brotherhood would say different. I . . . I want to hear the rest of the story if you can. I think you need to tell me about Craig because it’s tearing you apart.” When he started to shake his head, she added, “Please, for me.”
He sighed and continued. “Craig was just a kid. He decided to join the military to have his schooling paid for. He didn’t come from money and he was engaged to a girl that did. He wanted to prove himself to her and her family and he thought the military would do that. Hell, maybe he watched one too many recruiting commercials, who knows. He was just so young and idealistic. They got married right before he shipped out and he rode that high for a while. He got pretty lucky and didn’t see active duty until the last part of his term. His wife had gotten pregnant during one of his trips home and he was on top of the world. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and he thought he could handle anything thrown his way at that point. A lot of the guys were on their second tour like me and we were just used to turning away and shutting down when things got bad.”
“But not Craig,” Ella said softly.
“No, not Craig,” Declan agreed. “He wanted to save everyone. We all covered him as best we could. It was understood if Craig was with you, you looked out for him. We were all pretty battle weary, but damn we all got attached to him. No matter what everyone said to the contrary, when he started reading letters from home, we stopped to listen. Having someone so full of life was contagious. There was no jealousy that his tour was almost up. We were all excited for him. My favorite saying each day was, ‘Watch each other’s back and don’t do anything stupid.’ Craig used to tease me about how motivating my speeches were. I’d flip him off and he’d just laugh. You’d have liked him, Ellie.”
She smiled, “I know I would have.”
“One day we were patrolling the border. A task we had all done many times before. It was pretty routine. We had a local woman come through. Everything was in order so she passed on through. A few feet later, she stopped her car and got out. My gut clenched when she looked around like she was checking our positions. She fell against her car as if in pain. I knew something was wrong. After you had been there a while, you tended to develop a second sense where trouble was concerned. I started motioning everyone back, indicating possible trouble. I turned to say something to Craig who had been right beside me and he wasn’t there. We all saw him run toward the woman at the same time and it was like everyone froze for a moment in horror. I started yelling at him to stop, that it was a trap and, I swear, he turned back to me and smiled as if I was overreacting. I remember running toward him and then the world just broke apart. I was in the hospital for a few weeks with a pretty bad head injury and a few broken bones. I was lucky though, Craig went home in a casket.”
“Oh God,” Ella gasped.