After a 30 minute shower I change into Gabe's black shirt, the one that I wore to work that day, it doesn't smell like him no more but I know that it belongs to him and right now I take any closure I can get. I walk over to the mirror and swipe the condensation off to stare at my reflection. It's funny how much a person can change in 2 months. I'm nothing but a shadow of the girl that I used to be. You can see my brown roots growing in, I haven't bother in retouching my hair. I have bags and dark circles under my eyes due to the lack of sleep caused by my nightmare. I can never go back to sleep after I wake up no matter what time it is. My eyes don't have that sparkle of life that they used too instead they look dead. I don't even remember the last time I smile or even laugh and to top it all off I've lost about 20 pounds. Everyone keeps saying that Gabe was the one that died but what they don't know is that I also died with him. I'm no longer the same sweet caring girl. I've become a heartless bitch and I wouldn't have it any other way. The way I see it is if I don't open up to any one there is no way I can get hurt.
"Butterfly," Nina calls from the door snapping me out of my thoughts. "Coming" I turn off the lights and walk out the bathroom. "How are you feeling today?" she ask as she puts down my tray of fruits. She always brings my breakfast upstairs since I refuse to eat downstairs with everyone else. "Like I feel every day" I brush my hair avoiding looking at her. Every morning she asks the same question hoping to get a different answer but it is always the same. "Oh I see," she walks towards me "I saw Sammy leaving your room earlier she looked pretty upset". I take a few steps back putting some distant between us. Since I came back I haven't let anyone near me I don't allow them to touch me. It's nothing against them it's all about me. Every time some one tries to touch me I feel Gabe's cold fingers on my skin.
Losing Gabe fucked some thing up inside of me. I can't go through that sort of pain again. I won't be able to survive losing some one else that I love. I put on a strong face but underneath it I'm just a shattered mirror. I'm damage. In order to keep that hidden I keep people at a distant. "Yeah I was kind of mean to her earlier" I ignore her hurt expression and walk around her. I know that I hurt people around me by keeping them at arms length but that's the only way I can protect myself. "She is by the pool if you would like to talk to her" she runs her hand down my bed trying to get rid of the wrinkles. "Okay thanks" I walk towards my breakfast never looking back at her. I hate that I'm so cold with her when all she is trying to do is give me some comfort. But it's to late for that I've already bundle all my feelings in a safe box and throw the key away in the ocean. "You're welcome" she walks towards the door. I wish I can tell her why I act the way I do but I don't know how to explain it to her or any one else. "Nina I'm sorry" I called after her as I stare out the window. "I understand" she says as she closes the door.