She’s looking all hot and flushed and sweaty, with glazed eyes and kinda panting, and she nods and gasps, “Exactly.”
I shove her head back down and get back to business. Which, I might point out, she’s loving the hell out of.
Thinking the whole time, I don’t get brunettes. It’s why I avoid ’em. Never heard a blonde say such a fucked-up thing.
I’m supposed to help a woman that doesn’t wanna wanna fuck me but obviously does wanna fuck me and sucks dick with the tender aggression and dedicated zeal of a wet, velvet-lined vacuum be strong enough not to fuck me when I thoroughly enjoy fucking her?
Women.
Whose bright idea was it to make them?
No wonder we got booted from the goddamn Garden.
After a few days with Eve, Adam couldn’t think straight.
—
I find Jo in the corridor of the server’s quarters. Her eyes flare and she backs away when she sees me coming, thrusting her tray of dirty glasses out at me, like something so puny could keep me from getting what I want.
I don’t do the caveman routine. It doesn’t work with brunettes. It’s why I hate ’em. They take work.
“You said you got a problem with your memory,” I say.
She looks wary. “You mean my sidhe-seer gift?”
“Sure do, babe. You can’t organize it. Wading knee-deep in mental detritus.”
She gives me a look when I say “detritus” like all I could possibly know are four-letter words, and I think, Keep thinking that, babe. Lor’s just a dumb blond. I’m gonna blow her messy-ass mind and when I’m done maybe it’ll be clean enough in there she’ll be able to see when you wanna fuck you wanna fuck.
“Lessons start tonight. After your shift.”
“I’m not going to have sex—”
“Oh, yes you are. You’re gonna fuck me every time I give you a lesson. Ain’t no free lunches. And when I’m done you’re gonna be goddamn brilliant. And then, maybe, I’m not gonna want to fuck you anymore.”
She gives me a skeptical look. “How are you going to help me organize what’s in my head?”
“Loci. Latin for ‘places.’ Mnemonic device for managing memory. Simonides, Cicero, Quintilian all used it. I’m going to teach you to build a memory palace.”
“How come I’ve never heard of this before?” she says suspiciously.
“Probably can’t find it in your mess in there. The mess that thinks you don’t wanna fuck somebody you wanna fuck.”
“A nicer person would offer to teach me, not bully me into trading sexual favors.”
“Uh-huh. A nicer person would. And I’d hardly say it’s you trading me a favor. Seems damned mutually beneficial to me. You want what you want from me, you gotta give me what I want from you. And hopefully we’ll both get so sick of each other by the time it’s over, we’ll leave each other alone.”
She narrows her eyes and I can tell the idea appeals to her. Hell, it appeals to me. The sooner I get her out of my system the sooner my life gets simple again.
“How do you know anything about this kind of stuff?”
“Honey, when you’ve lived as long as I have, if you don’t have a filing system, you’re fucked. Besides,” I flash her a wolfish grin, “I needed a good way to track my chicks, skirts, and babes through the millennia. Every fuck. All in there. Every last detail.”
She gets a weird look, and I think, Aw, shit, Ryodan wasn’t as open with her as I thought he was, then it turns into a scoff and I breathe a little easier. “Millennia?” She laughs and says, “Yeah right.” She blushes. “I’m in your memory palace.”
And she’s the one I’d like most to take out with the trash at this point. “Every time you come. Smell. Taste. Sound. Deal or not?”
“I’ll try it once,” she says. “And if I think you have anything to teach me, we’ll continue.”
Aw, honey, I think, we’re definitely gonna continue.
—
I start out simple. I tell her about the London cabbies and the test they have to take called the Knowledge. First thing about mastering any subject is understanding the mechanics of it.
Like the clit.
I’ve studied it exhaustively, in theory and with a butt-load of practical application. It’s remarkably like a dick with a foreskin, erectile tissue, and even a tiny little shaft. But it’s way better. Women got some eight thousand sensory nerve endings in it. The penis only has about four thousand. On top of that, the clit can affect another fifteen thousand nerve endings, which means a whopping fucking twenty-three thousand nerve endings exploding in an orgasm.
We definitely got the short end of the dick, er, stick.
I also know Marie Bonaparte (one sexually adventurous babe!) had her clit surgically moved closer to her vagina because she couldn’t score a Vag-O. Another goddamn brunette, thinking too much, hanging out with Freud. I could’ve helped her with that problem without moving nothing. Once she did, it didn’t work anyway ’cause she didn’t take into consideration three-quarters of the clit is embedded in the woman’s body and can’t be moved.
Then there’s the fact that this amazing little clit men got screwed out of actually grows throughout a woman’s lifetime.
By menopause it’s seven times larger than it was at birth and fucking-A—there’s a reason older women are hot as hell in bed! Can’t imagine what kinda nut I’d bust with a dick seven times this size. Not sure there’d be anyplace I could put it, so I ain’t gonna bemoan that one. And clits are all different: some are little nubs, some are big, some hide, some protrude, and each one is as unique as the woman attached to it.
“Clits?” Jo says, blinking. “I thought we were talking about cabbies.”
“Clits, cabbies, different means, same end. Pay attention. You’re getting me off track.”
“I didn’t say one word about clits,” she says, looking pissy.
“You were thinking about them.”
She blows out an exasperated breath. “What about this test, the Knowledge? How does this have anything to do with me remembering where I put things in my head?”
“I’m getting to that. Goddamn woman, learn to take your time on the buildup. So the cabbies in London study for years, memorizing the patterns of twenty-five thousand streets, locations of some twenty thousand landmarks, and have to be able to plot the shortest distance between any two areas, including all significant places of interest along the way. Like two or three out of ten actually manage to pass the Knowledge.”