She broke off, inhaling deeply as if to compose herself.
Then she lifted her gaze and stared directly into his, her eyes earnest and awash with vulnerability.
“Why would you even want to sleep with me?” she whispered. “Why would you want . . . this . . . ?” She swept her hand down her body and around, clearly indicating her position. Her submissiveness.
“I know that this . . . arrangement . . . or relationship, whatever it is that we’re doing, requires a lot of trust on my part. But it has to involve your trust as well. Besides the fact that I can’t imagine why you’d want to have sex with a woman you think so poorly of, why would I want to give myself to a man who found me so . . . repugnant?”
His fingers tightened at her shoulders and then he forced himself to relax his grip. He’d bruise her, and he never wanted to hurt her. He took his hands away, not trusting himself not to squeeze her even tighter.
She looked hurt at his withdrawal and he let out a groan. He could do nothing right where she was concerned. Every touch, every word out of his mouth. It all came out wrong. He was fucking it up and this was too important. It was everything.
For the first time in his life, he was scared. Because he knew if he didn’t handle this just right, he’d lose her. And that wasn’t an option. No matter what it took, no matter what he had to do, she had to be part of his life.
Dear God, he was precariously close to begging, and he’d never begged for anything.
He cleared his throat and rocked back on his heels, his throat clogged with everything he needed to say.
Then he rose, extending his hand down to her. She glanced at him in puzzlement but slipped her hand into his. Yet another sign of her trust. Trust he hadn’t been able to return or make her feel.
He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her naked body into his hold, cradling her, positioning her on his lap so she’d be near him, touching him.
He rested his chin atop her slim shoulder and then turned his mouth down to kiss her skin. He inhaled deep, capturing her scent and savoring it.
“I’m sorry.”
She went still, her gaze directed at the far wall. He reached up, slid his finger underneath her chin and gently redirected her gaze to him.
“You’re right. I said and thought terrible things. It wasn’t fair to you. I was afraid, Bethany. Terrified,” he amended. “I reacted badly. This is new territory for me. I’ve never been so . . . I’ve never been so fucked up over a woman before. I’m used to control. You know this about me, or at least you’ve gotten hints. For the space of those few hours, I had none. I couldn’t protect you. I had no control over what happened to you. It freaked me the hell out. And I took that out on you.”
“I understand,” she said softly.
He shook his head. “No. You don’t. And you shouldn’t have to. You explained what happened, and while I don’t agree with what you did, I had no excuse for the things I accused you of. I have a temper, baby. You’ll get to know that as well. I’m not used to things being beyond my control. But what you need to understand is that I’ll never hurt you. Or at least I’ll try very hard not to. Physically, it isn’t ever going to happen. But I’ll say shit because I’m pissed. I was afraid and I don’t handle that well. I can’t guarantee it’s never going to happen again. But you need to know ahead of time that I’m not going to mean it. I know I’m asking a lot, but I need for you to be able to ignore me when I’m pissed and saying shit that hurts you. I’ll try like hell not to do it, but I know me. My friends know me. I’ve been a dick to the people I care most about. You. Gabe. Ash. My own sister. But I know it hurts you. You aren’t used to me. You can’t see what’s behind the anger and the things I say in the heat of the moment. But you will know me, Bethany. You’ll know me because I’m not going anywhere, and what’s between us is only going to grow stronger. I need you to believe that. I need you to want it as much as I want it because that’ll tell me that you’ll stick around and weather it with me.”
Her eyes rounded in shock. Her expression was one of utter amazement. She gripped one of his arms, her fingers digging deep, and he doubted she even realized it.
Her lips parted and he waited as she collected her thoughts. He could see her processing all he’d said. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he’d processed it yet. This spilling his guts was not something he indulged in on a regular basis. Or ever, for that matter. He’d never felt so goddamn vulnerable in his life and he didn’t like it one bit.
He felt as though someone had opened him up and he was bleeding out in front of her.
“So what do you want from me?” she whispered. “I mean, really want? What am I to you, Jace? A fling? A temporary submissive? A charity case? You have to understand that I’m scared too. I don’t know what you want from me. You’ve done so much for me but I’m afraid to embrace it because all I can think is that if you toss me out tomorrow, it’s going to be that much harder to go back to my life. I’d rather never have known you and been able to savor our relationship than to suddenly be stripped bare and return to the existence I’ve led until now.
“I’ve lived it most of my life. Even the parts of my life when I wasn’t on the streets weren’t happy years. They were years of survival, of hoping for the best and usually not getting it. I’m okay with that life. It’s all I’ve ever known. But you’ve shown me a different life.”
Her voice cracked and the pain hit Jace in the chest, nearly suffocating him. He wanted to pull her into his arms and stop the bloodletting but he knew she needed to say this. They both needed it so they could forge ahead.
Tears filled her eyes and she looked so afraid that it gutted him all over again.
“You’ve shown me how things could be,” she whispered. “And I want it, Jace. I shouldn’t want it. I shouldn’t even dare to dream that something so beautiful could happen to me. But I want it all the same. But if you’re going to take it from me, if this is only temporary, some amusement for you, then I don’t want it because it will kill me to go back to my life.”
Tears slipped silently down her cheeks. To his shock, he found his own eyes burned, as if someone had thrown sand in his face.
“And I know it sounds crazy for me to be asking you this. We’ve known each other for such a short time. And it’s not fair for me to demand this of you. But I have to know because I can’t go back to where I came from after dreaming of how different things could be. Of dreaming how it would be to be with a man like you. Someone so far out of my league that I can’t even wrap my brain around it. Don’t lie to me. I need to know if that’s all this is to you. Just something to pass the time with. A new challenge. Please give me that much respect at least and let me go if I’ll never mean anything to you.”